Welcome

How would you like the “inside track” on relationships, dating, marriage and infidelity and what really goes on in his or her mind?
Yeah, so would we…

Do you think that if the authors actually KNEW what was going on in the mind of the opposite sex we would be blogging all those secrets for free?
Hell no! The best we can do is provide you with information and you can decide yourself what you want to do from there.

This blog is one source for all things relationship with straight talk from two “typical” 40-something married people. To make things a bit more exciting than a married couple’s daily play-by-play of their marriage with children, the authors of this blog are not married to one another. We have never even met in person!

We try to tackle the topics that confuse and complicate finding and keeping love in today’s fast-paced disposable world. From what goes on between her ears to what’s going on between his legs, to what goes on behind closed doors, our relationship blog includes relevant scientific studies, surveys, and personal experiences all aimed at helping you find the real answers to what’s happening in your love life and your life in general. We hope that you enjoy the blog.

The authors of this blog are:

Controversial1 (Him) – You can read more about him here and Logicallyspeaking (Her) - You can read more about her here

Can’t Put Humpty Dumpty Together Again

Once something has been broken, no matter how hard you try to fix it, it will never be the same again.  It will never work the same again.  And you need to make adjustments as to how you will use it, have it, or work with it.  Or you decide to just throw it out and buy new.

The same goes for relationships.  Or rather, marriages.  Once something breaks.  Whether that be trust, love, respect, affection, attention, growth, or what have you – once it’s gone, or broken, it’s changed forever.

A friend of mine had an affair which her husband discovered.  He was willing to work things out and she was as well.  They were going to rebuild the trust in the marriage, rebuild the love.  They went to countless hours of counseling. Did countless hours of talking with each other and spending time together.  After about a year, I asked her how it was going.  She said to me, that she was trying really hard but she would never get the love back that she had for him.  So, she chose to live with the broken marriage – with allowing her husband to love her but her not able to give that love back, but rather wanting to give it to someone else.  I’m not judging her for doing this.  Do I think she’s a hero?  Or strong? No, I think she made the best decision for herself – or rather, she thinks she has made the right decision and if she can live with it and he can live with it, then it’s okay to make the adjustment and work with what she has.

That does not work for me in the same way.  It could be because I view marriage very differently now than I did when I was in my late twenties and got married.  At that time is was going to be forever.  Not only was it going to be forever, it was going to be forever wonderful.  How wrong wrong wrong I was!  I never imagined that I would be carrying my husband throughout our marriage.  I never imagined that I would not be walking side by side with him.  I never imagined that I would stop loving him.  I never imagined that I would be silently screaming for attention, for affection, for caring, for love.

Marriage is not meant for a lifetime.  Sure, back in the day when humans died at age 45 it was easier to be married for a lifetime.  Your lifetime was pretty darn short.  By the time your kids were 13 or 14, they were gone and out of the house and you were pretty close to the end of your life.

My theory is that the duration of a relationship – such as marriage – probably expires after about 14 years.  Here’s why.  Back in the day a person would be wed by the time they were 15.  Children would come right away and the couple would raise their children for say, 15 years, which takes them to age 30.  The children would leave the house, the parents would live long enough to possibly see grandchildren and then their life would be over.  No time to wonder whether they had married the right person, because all of their time is spent working, raising the kids, working and making ends meet.

Fast forward to the 21st Century.  By the time we are fifteen, we’re still babies.  Even at 25 we’re still possibly in school or in some sort of training.  Our heads are filled with so much media crap and how we should or shouldn’t be; should or shouldn’t love; that by the time we get married, we aren’t marrying for any other reason other than because we think we’re in love – rather than asking those tough questions.  We easily forget that love doesn’t last forever.  People change – love changes – and if you don’t change along the same path, you go off on different paths.  This doesn’t make you a bad person.  It makes you human.  For to stand still and not grow is unhealthy for the spirit.  And if you grow, and your partner does not, they are like an anchor holding you in one spot.

Ah, but then the complicating factors are the children.  And the life you have built – the house, the cars, the intermingling of families.  If we could only detach ourselves from all of that, and accept that a marriage should only last approximately 10 to 15 years – we’d all be better for it.  Unfortunately, Ego gets mixed up in all of this too.

Kids from divorced families would not be so screwed up (not all of them are, I know!), cause the parents would be able to deal with the split in a logical way and know from the get go what the deal was.  Kids wouldn’t think it’s their fault cause they know there is an expiry time on the marriage – an end date – and they would accept it as the norm.

In my life, I’ve compromised my happiness for a long time and stayed in a marriage I am not happy with.  My husband has not grown with me, I’ve had to drag him or carry him every step of the way and he’s still way way way back there cause sometimes I just didn’t have the strength to carry him along.  Does this mean I dislike him?  No, I accept him as a good friend.  As a good team member in helping raise our children, that we BOTH brought into this world.  His job helps pay the mortgage that puts a roof over our children’s heads and food on the table.  I have adjusted the way I live my life and seek out other types of relationships that fulfill the needs that he cannot possible fulfill.  We don’t have an open marriage – we actually don’t really have a marriage in the traditional sense.

One day I may find the courage to walk away and finally accept and help him to accept that you can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

And for those couples who live a long and happy marriage that lasts 25 or 50 or 60 years – hats off to them; they either stood still or were able to walk side by side down the path of life and grow together – understand the change that love takes, embrace it and accept it.

Not in Kansas Anymore Baby!

And there’s no going back.

I’ve had my first taste of what a potential Dom/s relationship feels like.  And I am addicted.  And yes, I did approach it with a very logical mindset (and he’s told me I’m sometimes too logical!).

In reading this, the reader may think that I am referring to the sexual aspect of it. Sorry to disappoint, but I am not – although the sexual aspect of it is pretty darn amazing! This new relationship I have embarked upon and continue to explore slowly, is something that I sense will be much deeper than I have experienced in my life. There is a fear of course, of allowing myself to go too deep and then being crushed even harder than I have ever been before.  I’m willing to take that chance.  That’s not to say that I have totally allowed my heart and soul out of protective custody, but they’ve been allowed a long drink.

For those, like me, who have believed that a Dom/s relationship is somehow weird, or bizarre, or abnornmal or painful - it is not.  It is filled with communication, respect, trust, caring, equality, patience, laughter and deep emotion.  I have spent hours upon hours researching and reading about these types of relationships.  The more I read, the more I spend time with this person, the more I realize that this flavour of relationship has the potential of being something out of this world.  It has the potential of being a spiritual relationship – and the physical aspect of it an enhancement to that.

It has changed who I am.  Or rather, it has brought forward more of who I really am.  It is helping me to find my courage.  It is leading me to a place where I can face my fears.  It is a relationship where I am able to be who I am at the core and know that I will not be judged by the other person, but cared for gently and respected deeply.

It is a relationship not built on “hanging on for dear life; of putting my best foot forward all the time for fear of losing him” but a relationship where the ebb and flow of what surrounds me allows me to drift and feel confident that what I confront at the next turn will lead me further to where I need to be; will lead me to another adventure I will savour and then be able to let go of and move on to the next.

It is a relationship that has given me strength.  It is a relationship that allows me to give strength to him.  In giving up my control; in giving up my need to control I have gained more strength of character and essence than I had ever imagined. 

Will it be a forever relationship?  I don’t know.  More importantly, it does not matter.  For what I have learned about myself; for what I am continuing to learn and feel and experience at a spiritual and emotional level, I’ll take it for now and let forever take care of itself.

Ahh, I’m definitely not in Kansas anymore!

A Moment In Time

In one moment, in one smile, your life can change course forever.  I don’t know yet if it is my imagination.  Or, if it is my strong, long standing desire and longing to find that one person who can touch me – mind, body and soul.

I never thought that fear would be a part of that one moment.  The positive side of fear, if that exists.

Have you ever met someone, and in one instant, realize that your life is about to take a totally different path?  Whether you should turn around and run away as fast as you can, or whether your should run toward it with abandon?

I am a logical woman.  My head rules the decisions I make and the paths I follow.  I recognize and accept that I need to consult with my heart, with my soul – but in the end my head wins out.

This time…this time….I am experiencing a great challenge – an argument if you will – with my head.  With my logical side.  My head is telling me, run! run! run!  My soul is telling me, embrace, accept, enjoy, love, let go.

There is a storm.  It’s been building for a long time, and the rumblings have suddenly become louder.  The crackling electricity has ignited and shoots through my core with beautiful pain.  I can feel the pleasurable agony of it.  And I’m afraid.   Do I stop it now before it consumes me?  Or do I let this play out to see where the path takes me?

My emotions are raw.  But I absolutely need to hide the rawnesss; to hide the emotions.  To do everything in my power, to regain my power.  My mind is buzzing like it has never buzzed before.  My soul seems to be waking from a long, long sleep.  And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to open my soul.  But I yearn to.  I’m afraid to take my heart out of the safety of the solid cage I have confined it to for so many years.   But it aches to be set free. The wings I have pinned down for so long are crying out to me to allow them to fly.  My mind is exploding with thoughts, dreams, longing I have long ago locked away.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid to let go of the control I have held over my heart and soul for so long.  I’m afraid this is my imagination.  I’m afraid this cannot be real.  I’m afraid that I will awaken from this dream, and find the emptiness that awaits me.  The emptiness I have learned to live with; that I have learned to shut off and pretend isn’t there.

I’m afraid that if I open my heart, if I open my soul it will be trampled with the reality that might be.  I’m afraid that if I don’t open my heart and soul, that I will miss something absolutely extraordinary.  That I will allow some kind of wonderful to pass me by.

Who would have thought?  Not I.

That in one moment in time, the course of the rest of my life has the potential to change forever.

I like women because they are female AND different! What a concept!

I found myself in a “situation” the other day where some people were rather displeased with my “less-than-sweet” view of women, or at least in what I had written.  I am not out to deliberately hurt people’s feelings by what I write BUT I am aware that some might not take my approach the way that I might intend it.  A great deal of my “chauvinistic” writings are MY “tongue-in-cheek” opinions of men and women’s actions.  On TV they call it a sitcom; on here I am often seen as an egotistical jerk.

There is however one group of people that enjoy getting to…that being the radical feminist.  I don’t have much problem with anyone standing up for their rights or being outspoken about their likes and dislikes but I feel that these same people wish to be exempt from rebuttal.
The radical feminist comes across to me as a person that sees that women are treated “poorly” by men and wants to fight back.  The way that they fight back is very similar to the way that terrorists fight…like cowards.  The terrorist has an issue, feels that nobody cares to listen so makes sure that someone listens by involving  “innocent” people into his/her personal fight.  The radical feminists do the same.  They have no interest in meeting in the middle, no tolerance for discussion, no time for talking, they are tired of being oppressed and now it is THEIR turn.  THEIR turn to act the same way that they will say they hate.  They don’t want to have gender equality…they want the typical gender roles reversed.  The radical feminist doesn’t want equality, they want the ability to oppress.  This says to me that rather they actually want to be the same as those they hate.  Did I miss something?

I have been reading a blog from a radical feminist recently.  I say radical because the first words in her post is “I hate men”.  She goes on to explain why she and all women should hate men, basically because men hate women.  Most women don’t see this fact, or they are too “trained” not to revolt against the oppression that men force on women so this woman (on behalf of all women) is presenting the facts.

The problem with me taking on this role of stating my opinion of such “radicals” is this comment in her blog:
“Men have such fragile and pathetic little egos that even though they enjoy almost complete and total world domination, they are awfully threatened by women speaking up for themselves even a little bit.”
By me having the audacity to in any way question what she says it is apparent that her words have hurt my ego, that I am threatened and so in typical male fashion I am (by way of MY post) trying to oppress her.  The radical feminist sets everything up so that any rebuttal is taken as oppression.  That is convenient!

That is what I find difficult to comprehend with ANYONE that has a radical viewpoint.  It is THEIR way or the highway.  Radical feminists are famous for this. I have no problem if you hate me and you think I am an asshole.  Bitch!  Now you see, I am not calling you bitch because you are a woman, I could call you asshole too but YOU already used that name.  The reason I called you bitch is that you have decided that rather than having a debate over human rights, you wish to “show” your superiority by name calling.  I, on the other hand should not say anything to you because:
a)    You are right in all that you say.
b)    Any response I would make is “typical” AND proof that I, being a man, wish to dominate you.

People that are of the both genders that stand up for human rights of bother genders impress me.
The radical feminist that I wrote of stated that she “had never met a man that did not actively condone in any way, shape or form, any of the following:
Rape
Murder
War
Environmental destruction for the sake of “jobs”
Wife beating
Girlfriend beating
Porn
BDSM
Street harassment of women
Forced veiling of women
Incest
Statutory rape
Forced pregnancy and birth
Giving fetii more rights than the women in whose bodies they are growing

What amazed me is the fact that rather than looking at the issues from a “human” perspective, she is stating that MEN (as in the gender with a penis) is solely responsible for condoning the above.  I will readily admit that some of the above ARE in fact issues that are gender specific to men but in general the list is of societal issues on the whole as opposed to ones that can be blamed on all men.

The same way as the terrorist groups say “the American People” when quoting their enemy, the woman that states he hates ALL men for the reasons shown above puts herself in the same class as a terrorist. The problem with terrorists AND feminists are that they both go too far to make their point, they both broad-brush demographics and genders and to a great extent they are both misguided.

The radical feminist that I spoke of listed 10 reasons to hate men and the bulk of the reaons were sensational and disgusting and the perpitrators should be hated…but ALL men didn’t carry out these crimes and I am sure that ALL men don’t condone the events…rather I am sure that most that live in the same society that this woman lives in would find the acts appalling.

When it comes to the issue of feminism…I have been told many times that I am egotistical and chauvinist.  I do take heed of what is said to me in so far as I try and be apathetic to the “other side of the story”.  I do try to look within and I do see at times, although not all of the time that I AM sexist.  I do not work at sexism however like it were a hobby.  I don’t try to be a typical male, some of it comes naturally but in most cases it is in response to a feminist.  In the big picture my tolerence for the differences between men and women is greater than most but I am still a man.  Better than you?  No….equal.  Let’s keep it on that level shall we?

Judgement Day

The strangest thing happened on the way to the market…wait, no, that’s not what I want to post today!  Today’s post is challenging for me to write, or rather put into words.  It’s challenging because it is going to sound as though I have changed my views on affairs or rather rationalizing certain behaviour, which I have not and am not; it is hard to put into words because it deals with some strong emotions that have come up – quite suddenly it seems.  So, bear with me as I bare my soul.

A friend of mind has announced her engagement.  It will be her second marriage.  She’s been divorced less than a year.  When she told me, I was a little surprised – but nonetheless I am happy for her.  Everyone deserves to pursue their happiness.  As we spoke of her upcoming marriage, discussion her ex-husband came up, and intermingled within the entire discussion, the success of a popular adult cheating site came up and the morality of running such a business.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of guilt came over me.  Not guilt in the sense of getting caught.  Not even guilt in the sense that I have been pursuing an activity which has the potential to hurt people who do not deserve to be hurt.  But guilt of the morality kind.

But even different than that.  I suddenly felt and understood I think, that if others knew about my philandering ways (way way exaggeration here!  As I am far from being a philanderer) they would judge me.  In judging me on this one thing – cheating – it would negate all the good things that I am.  All the positive things that I do.  All the affirmative things I have done.  All the loving things I believe in.  All the joy I have brought forth.  All the wisdom I have shared.

But in judging me on this one issue, they would not be asking me what my motivation was in pursuing a relationship with a man who is not my husband.  They would not be interested in the reasons I choose to cheat rather than leave my current marriage. They would simply label me a “cheater”; a “home wrecker”  a “whore”.   They would simply judge and be satisfied that in their judgement they are better than me, or rather, “gooder” than me – because in their judgement I am bad.

I am none of those things – okay, well I am a cheater.  I have not wrecked any one’s home – including my own.  I live in a loving family unit.  I show my husband commitment and I put my children above all else.  However being human I need to leave room for me. I need to carve out a piece of sanity; joy; happiness and intimacy for me.  I fulfill the needs of my family.  I fulfill the desires they ask of me.  I guide my children in the direction of being loving and caring participants in life.  I have guided my husband out of a deep depression and helped him cope with his mental illness.  I have supported him financially and emotionally, without complaint.  I have put my heart and soul into a marriage that left me feeling a deep sense of loneliness, sadness and powerlessness.  But I did not leave.  I chose not to leave as it would have done him and my children more harm than me good.  I chose the path of doing less harm.  This does not make me a heroic martyr.  This makes me human.

In judging, no one would ask about the the fears and anxieties that I could not discuss with my closest partner, my husband, because he admittedly is incapable of offering that emotional support to me.  In judging, they would see me as wanting sexual variety – not spiritual connection.

In judging, they would not ask what type of extramarital relationship I sought.  They would assume what it looks like.

Am I rationalizing my behaviour?  Most would say yes.  And in a way I probably am.  But in my heart I know I am a good person.  A good mother.  And yes, a good wife.

From the sum of my experiences – having been cheated on; having given myself totally; having loved; having been hurt; having endured the absolute loneliness that comes from dealing with mental illness of the person who is to stand side by side with you, but having to carry them emotionally – I have grown into the person I am today and will continue to grow.

I should not care that others will judge me if they knew; and I will continue not to judge others.

Sensory Deception

I don’t know what it is lately but I keep having situations happen that remind me of a pleasurable experience in the past.  Examples:

•I happened to see Tina Fey on 30 Rock last week.  I have never seen her or the show before but I had heard of her.  When I looked at her I was taken aback because she looks like someone that I dated in the past.  More accurately her eyes are an almost exact match…they could be sisters.  This is itself is not a big deal but this connection caused me to “feel” a pang for a brief moment.  A sudden and intense rush of pleasant memories ran through my head and my heart?  Strange.

•I had a female sales rep stop in the other day and she was wearing perfume.  One whiff of this scent and I made another surreal connection with someone that I had dated in the past.  Once more vivid and intense memories of a person, long ago and triggered by a scent.

•I was talking to a customer service representative yesterday and her voice sent me on a quick trip to a pleasant time in my life long, long ago.  Her voice sounded the same as a past flame, I almost thought of asking her if in fact she WAS that person.

•I went to get coffee today and the woman that was serving was wearing clothing and jewellery that was typical of a certain culture and immediately reminded me of yet another person from the past.

•I read some specific words in a post the other day that made me “feel” an intimate connection with the author.  I had seen those words before, different author and different time yet the result was the same.

I mentioned this sudden onslaught of “triggers” that reminded me of the past to my brother.  Leave it up to a man, especially a brother to make sense of it all by telling me, “You are just horny”.  Oh…that’s all?  Thanks for helping me out!

These triggers and the subsequent reminiscing are not sexually based, there is no sexual tension involved, just warm feelings.  The warm feelings are like a reincarnation of “infatuation” from that previous relationship.  It is not the “love” or sex but the innocent crush from those days that comes back to me.  The overall vision of the person revived from my memory is vague and blurry and there is no specific activity recollected…just an uncanny, yet comforting feeling.

In a way I like it…yet in another it makes me wonder…why are these “triggers” happening so frequently these days?

Good Ole Days are Just that for a Reason

For whatever reason, people in my life – new and old – seem to sense a certain characteristic in me that allows them to feel comfortable in disclosing their innermost secrets and desires to me, especially when it comes to their infidelity or thoughts of it (I have never disclosed mine however).  Although there are times where I welcome this and it makes me feel honoured, most of the time it is quite stressful in that I begin to care too deeply about helping them out of the turmoil they have created.

It has taken me some time to realize that in their disclosure, these friends aren’t asking me to fix their problem, but rather they see in me a non-judgemental, sounding board.  Someone that they can disclose this information to and know that rather than judge them, I will offer words that may help them out of their crisis or simply words that act as a balm to their pain.  This is less stressful for me as I no longer carry that imaginary burden of having to “fix” their problems.  Before I offer advice, I listen for the words, “Can you help me?  What is your advice?  What should I do?”  If I do not hear those words, I simply listen.  Although there are times where I need to bite my tongue as I hear things that I know will lead to much heartbreak and pain for them and those in their lives.

Over the past several years – and with the popularity of such sites as Facebook and MySpace – I have reconnected with some old friends.  The beauty of these sites is that you can choose who to reconnect with and who not to reconnect with.  Some individuals are making the mistake of reconnecting with old flames, hoping to rekindle the imaginary magic that was present when they were in their teens, late teens or early 20’s.  These relationships are doomed to failure for the simple reason that in our teens, late teens and early 20s, the magic was our hormones and ego development!  The magic was created through our trying to discover who we were and in that discovery we were able to try on different personalities (Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist describes this in his 8 stages of personality development – http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/erickson.shtml).  Note:  I chose to site Erikson here, not because I am a fan of his, but rather because he seems to offer a very simple explanation of the stages of personality development.  There are other personality and developmental psychologists who offer other explanations – some similar and some different.

One such acquaintance of mine who has reconnected with an old girlfriend from high school – both are now married to different people – are finding how unrealistic it is to try to rekindle the past.  In their current extra-marital affair, as they try to rekindle what was in the past, they are coming across the same obstacles that created the break up in the first place.  Only now, these characteristics in each of them are that much more ingrained, that the arguments are more heated; the jealousy more intense and their egos that much bigger.  Should they carry on with this affair, and see it to the end (he has confided in me that he has every intention of leaving his wife and children for this woman when he is able) they will eventually find that they cannot make it work.  Why?  Because if they could, they would never have broken up in the first place, oh so many years ago.  They will continue to create these dramas in their lives.

There was a reason why you break up with old loves.  Why would you want to rekindle that?  Some people will say because they need closure.  Closure?  It’s a farce – in our 40s we are beginning to really recognize that we are not immortal and that death is inevitable.  Yes of course we know this all our lives, but in our adolescent years, in our youth we are indestructible and as we enter our forties and watch parents of friends pass away and possibly our own parents pass away, we realize that the end of life is closer than ever.  And so, why not bring back those old emotions from those carefree days?  The unfortunate thing is that we are very different people now than we were then – some of us have grown in a more positive direction and grown up and cast aside those old personality traits that did not serve us well.  Some of us have not changed very much, nor have we grown very much, and still hang on to the drama that we so craved and enjoyed in our youth.

Another individual in my circle of friends, I was surprised to learn, is questioning her marriage.  Is trying to decide whether to stay married or not and has begun seeking fulfillment on line.  Why?  Because she wonders if there is something better out there.  Being new to the on-line experience, she fell for the first person she met – on an adult dating site.  I don’t think it ever occurred to her that the person on the other end of the chat line was only looking for sex and when this became the reality, she was devastated.  She is now repeating the same thing.

And yet another person I know, in his 40s, is also seeking to rekindle an old love.

I have had fantasies of rekindling an old love.  I have googled him and know exactly how to connect with him.  I also know that he would probably welcome contact from me.  However, I am a different person now and I have no desire to go back to the person I was then.  I’d rather look forward to fresh experiences and growth.  Trying to re-ignite something that lost its flame long ago is only asking to move backwards.

All fires, although rekindleable, will eventually burn out to nothing but black soot.

Sign on the dotted line

I see far too often where women write of their past “love” experiences and I see the line “he was only looking for sex” so often and it makes me wonder how “true” that statement is.  I wonder if the men they are meeting are “only” interested in sex OR if that is the woman’s overall perception of what happened.  That is not to say that some men are not only looking for sex and that they play on women’s emotions to get what they want.  I am just saying that I think that men and women have somewhat different perceptions of the “dating game” especially in how they keep score.

I have never tried to develop a relationship with a woman specifically based on sex; therefore I have never been “only looking for sex”.  Every time I had met a woman and there was mutual attraction, it was always my intent to see if we could grow a relationship.  Having a long term relationship was always my overall goal…IF she turned out to have the “right stuff” to make that happen.

I always did my best to communicate this to the woman.  I wasn’t interested in a fling, wasn’t just having fun and wasn’t “just looking for sex”.  This information was conveyed to the woman via words, via actions so that she would be aware of my intent.  I made sure that she knew that “I was into her” and that “hopefully” in the long run, our relationship would grow and endure.  I felt that this approach was far more “romantic” than writing out a “Notice of Intent”.

There is a problem with communicating my attraction to a woman in my chosen way.  Typically a written
“contract” would have done a better job and caused less confusion.  The problem is that even if a man has ulterior motives, that are that he IS only looking for sex, he will use the same approach.  It is called seduction.  Basically, it is trickery designed to get the woman to “fall” for him and sleep with him.  For the sake of my story we will leave seduction out of the equation.

My story here is about the “mixed messages” that men give out.  I know that I have given out mixed messages myself, yet question if they could have been avoided short of writing a contract.  I know that I have said things that I felt were “true” at that particular time.  Over time my opinion changed while she tended to take my original statement as being “cast in stone”.

If I “really” like someone, I WILL tell them and they WILL know it through my actions.  I can be very endearing.  However IF I tell someone that I like them, that does not mean that my attraction will last over time.  Why?  Since I am looking at this relationship as having potential for the long run, I am looking for and need certain attributes to be in place for the long term survival of the relationship.

One thing that I have always done is continually worked at making sure that the woman is comfortable with me and I keep asking her to “be herself”.  I am not interested in the “opening act”. Everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning; I want to know what she is “REALLY” like.  The more comfortable she becomes with me and our relationship, the more I get to see how she would act in “reality”.  What I have found many times is that my original perception changes over time, sometimes it improves, yet far more often it wanes.

Typically what I have found is that once “she” feels that “he” has enough interest in her, she feels a sense of security and sex is a viable option at this point.  All of her necessary checkboxes have been ticked and there is no reason not to engage in the physical part of this “ongoing” and “upwardly mobile” relationship.

After sex is introduced into the relationship, “we” are a couple in her books.  There is an “unwritten” agreement that we should be “monogamous” as of this point in time and I agree that this “should” be the case.  I agree with the “couple” part but we are not “married” yet it is at this point that I really see her starting to “act” as if we are; it is at this point that she starts “being herself”.  This is NOT the case with every woman and every situation, yet IS what I have encountered in some of my personal experiences.

I will give you one example of a relationship that I had that didn’t make the grade:

I met a woman with whom we shared mutual attraction for one another, reasonable synergy in thought and great similarity in taste, and social activities.  For me, all of the necessary attribute for a good start.

I tell her that I really like her and the way that we fit together.  I date her, I romance her, and I make her feel special because she IS special to me, so why not tell her the “truth”.

We get physically intimate within a month of our first “date”.

She starts to tell her friends, family…people on the street…that we are a couple.  She starts talking about “our” future, her dreams and aspirations…and “our” wedding.  I am not turned off by any of this but I know in my heart it is too soon to be thinking of these things because…I haven’t DECIDED that I want to spend my entire life with this person.  I don’t know her well enough yet.

Six months has gone by.  She asks if I will move in with her.  I refuse.

By now she has a comfort level with me, in and out of bed.  She starts showing her “true” personality.  She has no reason not to…WE are a couple now!

What I see, is that she is flaky and has no drive, quits 2 jobs in 3 months and waits for a new job to find her while she sits at home watching TV.  Her apparent great parenting skills with her daughter were in fact a “paid for” attempt to coerce her daughter into acting a certain way for mom’s new boyfriend.  I guess she couldn’t afford to keep bribing her daughter and now I got to see what I would consider to be a postcard perfect picture of a dysfunctional family. She is racist, snobby, and jealous and has something negative to say about almost anyone she knows or meets.  The last straw was her seemingly endless use of expletives that infiltrated every sentence that came out of her mouth.

One year has gone by. We share a mutual (physical) attraction for one another, reasonable synergy in thought and great similarity in taste, and social activities.  What we don’t share is my poor perception of her personal conduct in her life.  I see her lack of drive when it comes to a career, her inability to parent effectively, her previously “hidden” racism, snobbiness and general meanness towards others and her constant swearing  as being serious deal-breakers.

She said to me once, right around our one year “anniversary” that she hoped I would never leave her because “I was the first person that she really got to be herself with and it was a very comforting feeling” and “She hoped I would never leave her because if I did it meant that our relationship was only about sex” Huh?

My point in all of this is, it takes me about a year to determine if the “real” person I met has the right stuff for a long term relationship.  In the big picture I would be happy if sex were not part of the equation until I was more “sure” of our personalities melding.  In the year I do tell her that I like her, I do try and make her feel special…not to get into her pants…but because “at the time” I truly feel that way about her.

There is a serious difference in the “pivot” points in relationships through the eyes of the different genders.  Certain landmarks in the relationship have different meanings to the sexes.  The fact that these points are perceived differently suggest there is a greater need for “straight talk” between the persons involved…prior to coming to those points in time.  The truth is, that rarely happens as it would take away from the romantic spontaneity of the relationship on the whole.  If we sat down and worked out a game plan ahead of time or asked our potential partner to read the small print and sign on the dotted line…we would NEVER get together.

With my current partner I had the opportunity to see her “true” personality over a number of years while working with her.  I got to see her overall work ethic, hear about her life, how she handled problems, how she dealt with people.  I just had to wait for the opportunity to tell her that I “liked her”.