Mixed Messages? I’d Rather a Mixed Drink!

One issue that continues to be frustrating in my search is the mixed messages.

I like to think that I am a good communicator.  I endeavour to be clear and I also endeavour to ask questions when I’m not clear on something.  I also never say something unless I mean it.  I don’t beat around the bush if I want something, I speak directly.  My way of communicating has caused me some stress as sometimes people mistake my directiveness – or straightforwardness – as being aggressive or just being a bitch.

Hmmm, wonder if a man would ever get accused of being aggressive in a business context if he spoke matter-of factly?  Doubt it, but women who speak their mind are usually labelled aggressive or bitchy or “on the rag.”  That could be one of the reasons why some women choose to not be as direct as they should, or rather have developed this way of communicating.  Don’t get me wrong – communicating directly does not mean being rude, inconsiderate of another’s feelings or downright mean.  It just means being straightforward and not beating around the bush.  Making yourself clear without a hidden agenda.

Some time ago I dated a married man I had met on line.  We got to know eachother through email messages and messenger.  We met in person very early on and upon meeting our connection grew stronger.  Or so I thought and was led to believe by the things he said and did.   As our relationship moved forward I started to realize that time and time again I needed to remind this individual that we were married to other people.  In my mind the relationship was not a physical one – and he assured me that in his mind it was not either.  Neither one of us discounted the fact that our sex life was pretty incredible and a bonus to the relationship.

He wrote me the most beautiful emails, we had incredible conversations, discussions about many things; both when we were together and when we were conversing via electronic means.  He continually told me how much he cared for me, how much I meant to him, how much we could make our relationship work; that we were on the same page as to the boundaries of our relationship and friendship.  He even tried to convince me to relocate my business closer to him so we could spend more time together. We shared “secrets” and told eachother things that at least I, have never told anyone.  I don’t recall reciprocating a lot of the “mushyness” he seemed to be sending my way – however there were the odd mushy comments from me as well.  Not because I didn’t care for him, but rather because I didn’t see a need for mushyness, or at least the amount he was dishing out, and also because I cannot say something unless I mean it.  The words “I love you” do not come easily to me – not because I cannot feel – but rather because I find those words powerful and only use them when they are real.

The final time I saw him (although I didn’t know at the time it would be the final time) he had an amazingly romantic evening planned – to which I asked that he tone it down a bit, given we had limited time to spend together and his plans would have involved a couple of days.   Everything was just as it had always been.  No clues were given to me as to what awaited me the next day in my in-box.  I had no reason to believe that this was the last time I would see him.

The day after, I received an email from him which upon starting to read it, my mouth hung open.   The gist of the email was that given he and I were just fuck buddies, he didn’t appreciate my sending him any “mushy” comments (earlier I had sent him a “mushy” comment which related to something the evening before).  Although he didn’t use the term “fuck buddies” it was what was implied in his statements.  He went on to say that given he was married (which I knew the entire time we were “dating” but which didn’t stop him from being “romantic”) and had a career, that he didn’t have time to pursue a relationship with me that involved anything other than mutally satisfying eachother sexually when we had time.  Hmmm, would have been nice to know the year before, since he was in the same career then and was married then too, but didn’t stop him then from pursuing a relationship with me – nor did it stop him from all the romanticizing and “mushyness.”

I didn’t spend too much time analyzing the situation or the email.  Obviously he had gotten bored with our relationship – would have been nice to have been given some clue, or at least for him to have the balls to tell me in person.  I wondered if he forgot all the things he had said and emailed me during the past year we had been in a “relationship?”   Or, perhaps, and probably closer to the truth, he didn’t mean them.  Whatever it was, I told him that I really wasn’t interested in a fuck buddy at this time, but would certainly consider him a candidate should that need arise.

It did throw me for a loop though.  For a time I did feel a bit stupid for falling for his “romantic” BS.  However, looking back I realize that he was sending me (and possibly himself) mixed messages.

He had told me several times that I was a friend he wanted and needed in his life – I think he’s better off with a lesson in how to communicate honestly.