Not looking to change my situation…or yours

The following was a profile posted on a popular free dating site. The writer is a 35 year old married woman. I decided to “dissect” what she had written and offer my insight as to what I “see” and what I think when I read these lines. I decided to take this one because it is typical of the profiles I have read from “married but looking” women and typically the kind of profile I would write to because I feel that I “understand” where she is coming from. It should also be noted that regardless of how much synergy in thought, ideals that I could gather from a profile like hers, even though it appeared that we were on the same page as far as what we were seeking…I NEVER got the chance to see in “real life” if we had “something” as these same women NEVER seemed interested in pursuing any conversation past the point of knowing that they “had my attention”.

First off, I have an interest in this profile because at face value this is the “type” of woman that I would most likely be looking for given that I am married. I can understand one’s desire to look outside of where they are at in order to broaden their horizons, regardless of on what level they decide to “expand” said horizons.

Her profile:

I am married, however looking to escape the real world with the right person when time allows us. I only want to share this adventure with only one person and wanting ongoing. I am looking for someone who I able to connect with on all levels such as friendship, communication, physical, and chemistry. Looking for someone who I can share my thoughts and feelings with as well as them being comfortable enough, to share theirs with me as well. …..not looking for a “booty call” however, I do crave the intimacy of a “sexual relationship” as much if not more than anyone else, when and if all the other areas between us have been established. Wanting to share time with the right person without it getting complicated. I am not looking to leave my current living situation, or anyone to leave theirs. Just looking to spend quality time with my partner, and appreciate each other for what we have to offer. Share a true affair together!!! I am an easy going person who enjoys good conversations and a good laugh. I am respectful, honest, trustworthy, discreet, and personable, which are important qualities for the person I choose to have also. If this could be you drop me a line and we will go from there……

I am married, however looking to escape the real world with the right person when time allows us.
I am impressed by the fact that she refers to her day-to-day life as being the “real” world. Her “real” world is a given constant; it is easier, more palatable to “escape” that world than it is to change it. When the time allows us suggests that she has the intention to keep her priorities straight, family first…her own “fun” second.

I only want to share this adventure with only one person and wanting ongoing.
She is qualifying that she doesn’t want to go out and have a series of meaningless, no-strings-attached encounters and when she does meet the right person she would like to keep their relationship ongoing as opposed to being just a fling. I as well would be interested in this scenario in that I would enjoy having “one” person to share my life story with. Typically the persons involved in these “affairs” are lacking some level of intimacy with their partner. Having “one” partner on the side is far more likely to give them a sense of intimacy than 10 on the side and if by chance one can find this elusive person…I am sure that they would want to keep them…ongoing.

I am looking for someone who I able to connect with on all levels such as friendship, communication, physical, and chemistry.
She is looking for the “whole” deal. She wants in the relationship with a lover all of the typical attributes one would look for in a typical relationship. This is extremely difficult to find when you are in an unavailable situation, such as a marriage. In order for some of the components listed to work effectively there has to be an emotional connection, some “degree” of love possibly and those emotions typically cause a great amount of turmoil when they can’t be completely satisfied. It CAN be done, and if she can find and handle the “whole” deal yet keep that portion of her life separate and distinct from her “real” one…I would love to meet her. Unfortunately, most cannot. They let emotion (chemistry) lead them to believe that their new “friendship” is better than what they have at home and think about life-altering changes…which in the long-run will most likely fail. Asking for an affair complete with every aspect of a committed relationship without commitment AND while in a situation(marriage) that blocks a future where the two can be one is like asking to walk into an inferno and not get burnt.

Looking for someone who I can share my thoughts and feelings with as well as them being comfortable enough, to share theirs with me as well.
This is most likely the basis for her “looking” in the first place. She doesn’t feel safe enough; she doesn’t trust her partner enough to share her “truth” with him. She most likely tried, May even continue to try but he seems like he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to listen or doesn’t understand. Funny enough, my co-author knows more about my “truth”, who I am, how I think and feel more than my wife. Why, because she has no vested interest in me, she has no need to personalize the information I share with her, then take it and see how it might be used to better (read change) me. She has no need to remind me that I said “this or that” at one time. She has no need to feel jealous or hurt by what I say because she has no need to take it personally. I do find that sharing your “truth” with a stranger is often easier than sharing it with your spouse, if you develop a relationship with that stranger it would be wise to try and keep your emotional response to what they think and feel out of the picture so they can continue to “be themselves” with you…as that will in most cases be one of the main reasons that they sought you out in the first place.

Not looking for a “booty call” however, I do crave the intimacy of a “sexual relationship” as much if not more than anyone else, when and if all the other areas between us have been established.
Most women like sex and are open to having a physical aspect to their relationship (even the one “on the side”) but they aren’t up to “doing it” with anyone. It goes back to the fact that this woman is looking for intimacy with her “yet-to-be-found” friend that she is not feeling with her partner. That connection, that intimacy is a depth of connection that is greater than all of the “other areas” that she would like to establish. Most men think of a physical connection when they hear the word intimate; I feel that women think of a mental and emotional connection when they hear the same word. Sex is a celebration of that intimacy and can intensify the connection between the two people. Sex on its own cannot intensify anything…if nothing (no other areas) exists between the two.

Wanting to share time with the right person without it getting complicated
This sounds more like a wish than a specific item on her checklist. While it is possible to carry on a relationship such as the one she envisions, it requires a tremendous level of maturity, commitment, tolerance a serious desire for success and an unusual control of one’s emotions, in some cases pushing the limits of the participant’s instinctive human nature. It DOES get complicated, it is how the people involved handle the complexities that will make or break their relationship in the long run.

I am not looking to leave my current living situation, or anyone to leave theirs.
Everyone has their own reasons for “looking outside”, equally their own reasons for staying in their current relationship. It is a common statement, “Not looking to change my situation or yours” but that is typically a cliché rather than being something that makes any real sense when it is written. Of course neither is typically “looking” to change their situation BUT an affair WILL change one’s perception of everything around them…including their “situation” at home. Everyone seems to say they don’t want to change where they stand at the moment; they only want to reach out and hold hands. If they further decide to hug or make love do they not require moving from the spot that they stand in order to accomplish the required logistics? My point is that the closer the lovers become the more difficult it is to maintain the “real-life” situation. It should be said, “I am well aware that what we are thinking of will cause us to change, it will cause us to look at our situation in a different light BUT I am ready and willing to accept and deal with that in a mature, structured manner”.

Just looking to spend quality time with my partner, and appreciate each other for what we have to offer.
Appreciating another for what they have to offer does not necessarily require a full-blown affair. What she hopes the other will have to offer is intimacy, as that is the one thing that “associates” don’t delve into on the level that “one” “special” “friend/lover” will. What the tow participants in this scenario have to offer one another is trust in the other that they are and will remain conscious of the fact that what they are doing is “wrong”, must at all cost always remain private and has a finite limit as to how far it can ever progress. If one of the two finds him/herself hopelessly in love with the other…the operative word will be hopeless…not love.

I am respectful, honest, trustworthy, discreet, and personable, which are important qualities for the person I choose to have also.
This is my favourite line. “We” all say this in our profiles because we like to think that we have those qualities AND we sincerely hope that our new “friend” will also possess them. Honest and trustworthy to her new friend, not so much with hubby, he falls under discreet, in that he should never know that his wife is being honest and trustworthy with another man.I am not judging her or her choices…I have been there, I am stating that it sounds ridiculous.

Personable? Surely sounds like it… me too! Like I said, as much as the wording in this profile appeals to me, I never seemed to be able to create enough of an initial impression to pique her (or the countless others with similar goals) interest. C’est la Vie!