A Moment In Time

In one moment, in one smile, your life can change course forever.  I don’t know yet if it is my imagination.  Or, if it is my strong, long standing desire and longing to find that one person who can touch me – mind, body and soul.

I never thought that fear would be a part of that one moment.  The positive side of fear, if that exists.

Have you ever met someone, and in one instant, realize that your life is about to take a totally different path?  Whether you should turn around and run away as fast as you can, or whether your should run toward it with abandon?

I am a logical woman.  My head rules the decisions I make and the paths I follow.  I recognize and accept that I need to consult with my heart, with my soul – but in the end my head wins out.

This time…this time….I am experiencing a great challenge – an argument if you will – with my head.  With my logical side.  My head is telling me, run! run! run!  My soul is telling me, embrace, accept, enjoy, love, let go.

There is a storm.  It’s been building for a long time, and the rumblings have suddenly become louder.  The crackling electricity has ignited and shoots through my core with beautiful pain.  I can feel the pleasurable agony of it.  And I’m afraid.   Do I stop it now before it consumes me?  Or do I let this play out to see where the path takes me?

My emotions are raw.  But I absolutely need to hide the rawnesss; to hide the emotions.  To do everything in my power, to regain my power.  My mind is buzzing like it has never buzzed before.  My soul seems to be waking from a long, long sleep.  And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to open my soul.  But I yearn to.  I’m afraid to take my heart out of the safety of the solid cage I have confined it to for so many years.   But it aches to be set free. The wings I have pinned down for so long are crying out to me to allow them to fly.  My mind is exploding with thoughts, dreams, longing I have long ago locked away.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid to let go of the control I have held over my heart and soul for so long.  I’m afraid this is my imagination.  I’m afraid this cannot be real.  I’m afraid that I will awaken from this dream, and find the emptiness that awaits me.  The emptiness I have learned to live with; that I have learned to shut off and pretend isn’t there.

I’m afraid that if I open my heart, if I open my soul it will be trampled with the reality that might be.  I’m afraid that if I don’t open my heart and soul, that I will miss something absolutely extraordinary.  That I will allow some kind of wonderful to pass me by.

Who would have thought?  Not I.

That in one moment in time, the course of the rest of my life has the potential to change forever.