Standing Still

I have made the decision to leave my marriage. 

 

But I stand still with fear.

 

Fear that I will be alone forever.  But I ask myself, is it so bad being alone?  Given I have really been alone and lonely for so many years in a marriage, being alone and free has got to be better.

 

There is the fear for the children.  How will they cope?  Of course it will be up to the mature adults to be able to explain to them what is happening and to show respect for eachother so the children do not see hatred.  There is no hatred, there is only frustration and stagnation – but friendship still remains and I can only keep a grasp on that and know that everything will be okay.

 

There is fear of the gossip and the finger pointing by others and the speculation and the gaping mouths at hearing the news.  “Why, you had the white picket fence life.”  Yeah, and it was all fantasy.  You never really know what is going on behind closed doors or behind toothy smiles and hearty laughter.  You never ever really know.

 

There is fear of making a mistake.  But….but…. how can it be a mistake when the alternative, staying, hurts so much?  The love is gone.  Can it ever come back?  Was it ever really there?

 

There is the fear of what will happen to him without me.  How will he cope?  Will he cope? 

 

Someone commented a while back on one of my postings that it takes two to tango.  Honestly, I can say that I have put everything into trying to have a happy marriage.  I have been supportive in the toughest of times, and yes I have been a bitch and demanding at times too.  My feelings I have always shared, and spoken about my unhappiness and my needs – that were never fulfilled.  I have listened to his needs and tried to fulfill them to the best of my ability.  My anxieties and fears were never allowed to be spoken, I never had a shoulder in my marriage.  Am I rationalizing?  Walk in my shoes for a week and then answer that question.

 

The numbness has over taken me.  The sorrow wells up inside me at inappropriate times.  I am spent.  I have nothing left to give, and frankly I don’t want to give anymore.  Does that sound selfish?  Walk a week in my shoes and then answer that question.

 

I am angry – angry at myself  for making stupid decisions based on what I thought others wanted.  For spending all these years so unhappy.  I am angry that I have for so many years tried to make something work for everyone else while keeping myself broken.

 

I want to be fixed and I am the only one who can do the fixing.

 

I have made the decision to leave my marriage.  I’m half way there.  But I stand still with fear.