Not in Kansas Anymore Baby!

And there’s no going back.

I’ve had my first taste of what a potential Dom/s relationship feels like.  And I am addicted.  And yes, I did approach it with a very logical mindset (and he’s told me I’m sometimes too logical!).

In reading this, the reader may think that I am referring to the sexual aspect of it. Sorry to disappoint, but I am not – although the sexual aspect of it is pretty darn amazing! This new relationship I have embarked upon and continue to explore slowly, is something that I sense will be much deeper than I have experienced in my life. There is a fear of course, of allowing myself to go too deep and then being crushed even harder than I have ever been before.  I’m willing to take that chance.  That’s not to say that I have totally allowed my heart and soul out of protective custody, but they’ve been allowed a long drink.

For those, like me, who have believed that a Dom/s relationship is somehow weird, or bizarre, or abnornmal or painful - it is not.  It is filled with communication, respect, trust, caring, equality, patience, laughter and deep emotion.  I have spent hours upon hours researching and reading about these types of relationships.  The more I read, the more I spend time with this person, the more I realize that this flavour of relationship has the potential of being something out of this world.  It has the potential of being a spiritual relationship – and the physical aspect of it an enhancement to that.

It has changed who I am.  Or rather, it has brought forward more of who I really am.  It is helping me to find my courage.  It is leading me to a place where I can face my fears.  It is a relationship where I am able to be who I am at the core and know that I will not be judged by the other person, but cared for gently and respected deeply.

It is a relationship not built on “hanging on for dear life; of putting my best foot forward all the time for fear of losing him” but a relationship where the ebb and flow of what surrounds me allows me to drift and feel confident that what I confront at the next turn will lead me further to where I need to be; will lead me to another adventure I will savour and then be able to let go of and move on to the next.

It is a relationship that has given me strength.  It is a relationship that allows me to give strength to him.  In giving up my control; in giving up my need to control I have gained more strength of character and essence than I had ever imagined. 

Will it be a forever relationship?  I don’t know.  More importantly, it does not matter.  For what I have learned about myself; for what I am continuing to learn and feel and experience at a spiritual and emotional level, I’ll take it for now and let forever take care of itself.

Ahh, I’m definitely not in Kansas anymore!

Judgement Day

The strangest thing happened on the way to the market…wait, no, that’s not what I want to post today!  Today’s post is challenging for me to write, or rather put into words.  It’s challenging because it is going to sound as though I have changed my views on affairs or rather rationalizing certain behaviour, which I have not and am not; it is hard to put into words because it deals with some strong emotions that have come up – quite suddenly it seems.  So, bear with me as I bare my soul.

A friend of mind has announced her engagement.  It will be her second marriage.  She’s been divorced less than a year.  When she told me, I was a little surprised – but nonetheless I am happy for her.  Everyone deserves to pursue their happiness.  As we spoke of her upcoming marriage, discussion her ex-husband came up, and intermingled within the entire discussion, the success of a popular adult cheating site came up and the morality of running such a business.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of guilt came over me.  Not guilt in the sense of getting caught.  Not even guilt in the sense that I have been pursuing an activity which has the potential to hurt people who do not deserve to be hurt.  But guilt of the morality kind.

But even different than that.  I suddenly felt and understood I think, that if others knew about my philandering ways (way way exaggeration here!  As I am far from being a philanderer) they would judge me.  In judging me on this one thing – cheating – it would negate all the good things that I am.  All the positive things that I do.  All the affirmative things I have done.  All the loving things I believe in.  All the joy I have brought forth.  All the wisdom I have shared.

But in judging me on this one issue, they would not be asking me what my motivation was in pursuing a relationship with a man who is not my husband.  They would not be interested in the reasons I choose to cheat rather than leave my current marriage. They would simply label me a “cheater”; a “home wrecker”  a “whore”.   They would simply judge and be satisfied that in their judgement they are better than me, or rather, “gooder” than me – because in their judgement I am bad.

I am none of those things – okay, well I am a cheater.  I have not wrecked any one’s home – including my own.  I live in a loving family unit.  I show my husband commitment and I put my children above all else.  However being human I need to leave room for me. I need to carve out a piece of sanity; joy; happiness and intimacy for me.  I fulfill the needs of my family.  I fulfill the desires they ask of me.  I guide my children in the direction of being loving and caring participants in life.  I have guided my husband out of a deep depression and helped him cope with his mental illness.  I have supported him financially and emotionally, without complaint.  I have put my heart and soul into a marriage that left me feeling a deep sense of loneliness, sadness and powerlessness.  But I did not leave.  I chose not to leave as it would have done him and my children more harm than me good.  I chose the path of doing less harm.  This does not make me a heroic martyr.  This makes me human.

In judging, no one would ask about the the fears and anxieties that I could not discuss with my closest partner, my husband, because he admittedly is incapable of offering that emotional support to me.  In judging, they would see me as wanting sexual variety – not spiritual connection.

In judging, they would not ask what type of extramarital relationship I sought.  They would assume what it looks like.

Am I rationalizing my behaviour?  Most would say yes.  And in a way I probably am.  But in my heart I know I am a good person.  A good mother.  And yes, a good wife.

From the sum of my experiences – having been cheated on; having given myself totally; having loved; having been hurt; having endured the absolute loneliness that comes from dealing with mental illness of the person who is to stand side by side with you, but having to carry them emotionally – I have grown into the person I am today and will continue to grow.

I should not care that others will judge me if they knew; and I will continue not to judge others.

Mixed Messages? I’d Rather a Mixed Drink!

One issue that continues to be frustrating in my search is the mixed messages.

I like to think that I am a good communicator.  I endeavour to be clear and I also endeavour to ask questions when I’m not clear on something.  I also never say something unless I mean it.  I don’t beat around the bush if I want something, I speak directly.  My way of communicating has caused me some stress as sometimes people mistake my directiveness – or straightforwardness – as being aggressive or just being a bitch.

Hmmm, wonder if a man would ever get accused of being aggressive in a business context if he spoke matter-of factly?  Doubt it, but women who speak their mind are usually labelled aggressive or bitchy or “on the rag.”  That could be one of the reasons why some women choose to not be as direct as they should, or rather have developed this way of communicating.  Don’t get me wrong – communicating directly does not mean being rude, inconsiderate of another’s feelings or downright mean.  It just means being straightforward and not beating around the bush.  Making yourself clear without a hidden agenda.

Some time ago I dated a married man I had met on line.  We got to know eachother through email messages and messenger.  We met in person very early on and upon meeting our connection grew stronger.  Or so I thought and was led to believe by the things he said and did.   As our relationship moved forward I started to realize that time and time again I needed to remind this individual that we were married to other people.  In my mind the relationship was not a physical one – and he assured me that in his mind it was not either.  Neither one of us discounted the fact that our sex life was pretty incredible and a bonus to the relationship.

He wrote me the most beautiful emails, we had incredible conversations, discussions about many things; both when we were together and when we were conversing via electronic means.  He continually told me how much he cared for me, how much I meant to him, how much we could make our relationship work; that we were on the same page as to the boundaries of our relationship and friendship.  He even tried to convince me to relocate my business closer to him so we could spend more time together. We shared “secrets” and told eachother things that at least I, have never told anyone.  I don’t recall reciprocating a lot of the “mushyness” he seemed to be sending my way – however there were the odd mushy comments from me as well.  Not because I didn’t care for him, but rather because I didn’t see a need for mushyness, or at least the amount he was dishing out, and also because I cannot say something unless I mean it.  The words “I love you” do not come easily to me – not because I cannot feel – but rather because I find those words powerful and only use them when they are real.

The final time I saw him (although I didn’t know at the time it would be the final time) he had an amazingly romantic evening planned – to which I asked that he tone it down a bit, given we had limited time to spend together and his plans would have involved a couple of days.   Everything was just as it had always been.  No clues were given to me as to what awaited me the next day in my in-box.  I had no reason to believe that this was the last time I would see him.

The day after, I received an email from him which upon starting to read it, my mouth hung open.   The gist of the email was that given he and I were just fuck buddies, he didn’t appreciate my sending him any “mushy” comments (earlier I had sent him a “mushy” comment which related to something the evening before).  Although he didn’t use the term “fuck buddies” it was what was implied in his statements.  He went on to say that given he was married (which I knew the entire time we were “dating” but which didn’t stop him from being “romantic”) and had a career, that he didn’t have time to pursue a relationship with me that involved anything other than mutally satisfying eachother sexually when we had time.  Hmmm, would have been nice to know the year before, since he was in the same career then and was married then too, but didn’t stop him then from pursuing a relationship with me – nor did it stop him from all the romanticizing and “mushyness.”

I didn’t spend too much time analyzing the situation or the email.  Obviously he had gotten bored with our relationship – would have been nice to have been given some clue, or at least for him to have the balls to tell me in person.  I wondered if he forgot all the things he had said and emailed me during the past year we had been in a “relationship?”   Or, perhaps, and probably closer to the truth, he didn’t mean them.  Whatever it was, I told him that I really wasn’t interested in a fuck buddy at this time, but would certainly consider him a candidate should that need arise.

It did throw me for a loop though.  For a time I did feel a bit stupid for falling for his “romantic” BS.  However, looking back I realize that he was sending me (and possibly himself) mixed messages.

He had told me several times that I was a friend he wanted and needed in his life – I think he’s better off with a lesson in how to communicate honestly.

Love thy neighbour…Just don’t get caught!

Most everyone would like to believe when they get married that it will be forever. However, the reality in today’s world is that many marriages fail and result in divorce. Other married couples may fall out of love and grow to dislike one another more than they care to admit, but for a variety of reasons (kids, money, religious beliefs etc…), they remain husband and wife in theory primarily.

These types of marriages can inevitably lead one or both spouses to seek the comfort of another adult and eventually cheat on one another. Sites like Craigslist and Plentyoffish are full of “married but looking” people.  Even the owner of the Plentyoffish site states the following in his blog: “Of those 2000 users who use the forums less than 50% are actually single and even fewer are actively looking for someone.”  Is he not admitting that half of the users are married or otherwise in a committed relationship?  See his post here.

Another scenario that may lead a married person to be unfaithful is an unexpected meeting with someone who sweeps them off their feet.  They married the person that they thought best suited them on the whole, they maybe didn’t marry someone that was their dream girl because they never expected “her” to come along.  When she does, all hell can break loose. Despite their attempts to prevent this relationship from becoming an extramarital affair, they may find their feelings to powerful to deny and thus give into their desires to be with this new person. The saying “Life is too short…” comes to mind as justification for this new love or lust.

The one thing that really gets overlooked in these cases is …reality.  The “new” person, the “other” person will almost ALWAYS seem better than the one at home, at face value.  We are designed as human beings to go through a state of euphoria in the beginning, the same heightened sense of attraction that went through with our spouse.  If you have the foresight to realize this when your “dream” comes along (after 7 years of marital bliss with the one you vowed to be faithful to) that “she” is really not that much different than your spouse, then a lot of costly, hurtful mistakes could be avoided. Still other married people may consciously choose to cheat on their spouses. If you fall into that category, you probably have the art of not getting caught mastered already.

Regardless of what leads a spouse to break their wedding vows, here some of the best ways to get away with an affair.

1.    Never bring your lover to your home, your neighbourhood, your workplace, your favourite restaurant, the mall or to your kid’s hockey or swimming practice (because it is YOUR weekend)
The problem is that over time the participants in the affair get cocky.  They try something once and get away with it, so they do it again thinking that no one notices…yet people (spouses) DO notice. This means never allowing the person you are fooling around with to permeate your life completely. You should never allow this person into your home or even near your residence. If possible keep as much personal information… personal. Remember that you don’t really know “person B” and if and when you decide to stop communicating with them they may try to retaliate.

2.    Keep Your Partner Happy
1.    If you don’t want your partner to grow suspicious of your activity it’s imperative that you keep them happy. Get them flowers or write them a little note every now and again. Let them know that you care and they will be much less suspicious. However be careful about making changes too quickly.  Any change in your normal routine WILL be noticed.  You haven’t bought her flowers for years and now 3x this month?  What’s up with that?  As well she might feel that you are actually “coming around” and have decided to be more romantic, as she has been asking of you for years.  Turns out you have completely ulterior motives.  Be nice…but be wise in how you present it.
2.    It’s key to continue to flirt with your current partner before you cross the line and while you are across. A dead giveaway is a loss in interest in your current partner but keep in mind that a sudden (supposed) renewed interest will also make her wonder.  Be gradual in your approach.
3.    If your affair is more for “fun” than of a serious emotional connection, it is not too hard to play the game.  If you have real feelings for your lover and not for your spouse it will be far more difficult to “pretend” to be a loving partner at home.

3.    Never go to your lover’s home (unless they are completely single and free from the ties of marriage and/or a serious relationship.) If they get caught by their significant other, chances are your spouse will also find out.
Even if they are single and free, depending on their locale in respect to your home or town there is a great possibility that someone will see you go into or out of her house.  You had better always have a great alibi thought out in advance should this occur.  If you are a pizza delivery man or a cable installer you may be covered off by proxy.  If you are an executive in an office and work normal business hours in a town 20 miles away yet seen coming out of Suzie Q’s place at 1:30 PM by the mother of one of your son’s classmates…you had better have good reason.  Women love to talk.

4.    Never call your new companion from your home phone.
1.    Home phones typically store last numbers called or received.  Your spouse picks up the phone and hits redial thinking the last call made was the one she made to her mother and surprise! If by chance you break this rule, make sure that you understand how your phone works.
2.    Keep in mind that even if you erase the last numbers dialled most locales offer a service that allows you to check the last number dialed from that phone by dialing *69.   For this reason it is wise that after you hang up to dial an arbitrary number (one that you already know is not connected anywhere) so if your spouse checks or hits redial you at least have an out.
3.    Whenever possible it is safest to use email or sites like Myspace or Facebook.

5.    Be careful when you call your new companion from your regular cell phone.
1.    If you are going to use a cell phone, as most do, make sure that you are well aware of all of the features on your phone.  I knew someone once that was very careful about erasing all of her incoming and outgoing calls but forgot to erase a text message one day and her husband read it.
2.    In my case, in order to prevent anyone from getting MY cell number should someone answer HER phone other than her, I had my service provider permanently block my number on outgoing calls.  I also made a habit of never initiating a conversation until I heard her voice.  I never sent text messages as they seemed like a perfect way to get caught.  I also had the monthly bills “suppressed” so that they were only accessible online, no hard copy was mailed.
3.    A friend of mine had a separate cell phone specifically for his extramarital activities.  This way there was no confusion and he didn’t have to be so careful about keeping everything erased or hidden.  He kept the phone under the seat in his car.  Shame that he forgot to turn off the ringer one day.  You can just see his wife, sitting beside him, saying “That’s not my phone, that’s not your phone, What is that”?  My friend got really used to his car after that and never had to hide his phone, as a matter of fact his car became his home shortly after that!
4.    Another issue is the security lock on the cell.  It makes sense to lock out your phone to prevent access but…imagine this scenario.  You are driving to a dinner party with your wife and are running late.  She tries to call but her cell is dead so asks for yours.  You hand it to her but it is locked.  She says, it’s locked…why…what’s the code??  You give it to her, she makes her call and you stop sweating…for now.  Later you change your code to prevent her from snooping later.  The next time she needs to use your phone she notices that you have a different code.  Your cell is locked AND you keep changing the code AND every time she asks to use your phone you start sweating…hmmm

6.    Be careful of your internet activities.
Once again having prior technical knowledge of what your computer tracks is important.  Various browsers have different ways of tracking and therefore different ways of allowing the user to delete the stored information.  While no browser is totally safe, certain ones, Firefox as an example, are set up in such a way to erase ALL history automatically when the user exits.  Still others like Internet Explorer have “secret” files that cannot be erased without special software.  They are a “permanent” history of the websites that the browser visited.  Although no specifics are provided, it doesn’t show what was seen or written, it does show the site name as well as date and time of last visit.  So what?  If Ashley-Madison was one of the site visited you might have a hard time explaining that you were looking for recipes OR conversely looking for the latest and greatest drill press.

7.    Keep your overall mood in check.
An affair can turn out to be very tiring and very stressful. You can’t seem to get away from your spouse enough and can’t hook up with your lover as much as you would like.  Cheaters often lash out at their partners unexpectedly, they are quicker to argue or fly into a rage.  They act “guilty” or will avoid pointed questions, may be unable to look their spouse in the eye.  Your spouse knows you, she is used to your behaviour, she knows your quirks and overall demeanor.  If your attitude changes and you have greater mood swings, she will notice.

8.    Never give your new friend your home phone number.
1.    If you are calling someone and you don’t want them to see your home number or you don’t want their call display to see your number (hard to explain why Suzie Q saw your name and number on her call display and called you back) you can dial *67 before making the call.  Suzie Q will see private number and private name.
2.    In the same way that your wife thinks that your relationship with her is stable, you think that you and Suzie Q are even more stable (Suzie understands you better than your wife…remember) there will come a time when things cool or change suddenly and not for the better.  I had a friend that decided to cheat, not only on his wife but on Suzie as well. When Suzie found out, so did his wife and half of the city.  If you think your wife will be angry if she finds out…Suzie will make your wife look like a saint.

9.    Keep a low profile when you are out with your lover.
You would be surprised how many people know you and/or your spouse, who unbeknownst to you may see you lavishing inappropriate attention on your new companion in public.
I took a lover on a trip with me one day, during the day to a town that was 150 miles away.  There was no chance that anyone that I know would be there.  We are sitting having lunch on the outdoor patio when my son’s babysitter AND my son walks by.  Yes, they did see me.  In this case there was a “balance of terror” between the babysitter and I.  She wasn’t supposed to have our son with her and I wasn’t supposed to have Suzie Q with me.  Nothing more was ever said from either side BUT I realized that no place is safe.

10.    Do your best to meet with your lover out of town – somewhere far enough away from home that you do not know people and people do not know you.
Some place like…Australia! See #5

11.    Never Pay By Credit
A HUGE mistake is paying for anything by credit card or debit card. Not only can you forget to dispose of the receipt but if your partner gets a hold of your bank statement it will be near impossible to explain why you went out to dinner at a romantic restaurant “alone” or why you filled up your gas tank so far from home or work. So keep cash on hand.

12.    Do not keep any gifts the other partner gives you.
No matter how nice it is. This is a sure way to get caught. Don’t put them in the car, keep them in you office or anywhere. Some where some time, maybe even years down the road, something will slip about them. You may just forget what story you originally told about it’s origin. If the partner is suspicious they will remember exactly what you originally said.

13.    Keep Expenses Under Control
A single relationship can be expensive enough, let alone trying to juggle two of them. Don’t fall into the trap of blowing money you don’t have on your “other” partner. It’s a lost cause and will catch up to you in the end. Many people have made the mistake of getting themselves thousands of dollars in debt by trying to impress another individual. So if you plan to step out on your partner, do it with realistic financial expectations.

14.    Try to maintain your “normal” routine.
1.    Try and set up a regular schedule of “dates” with your lover. If your spouse expects you to be out of town for business overnight every Wednesday, he/she will not suspect anything when you maintain this schedule and include your new friend in your overnight stays.
2.    The most important rule when it comes to an affair is to keep your normal routine at home.  This is where most cheats get caught.  New underwear, new lock codes on the cell phone, cell phone hidden, phantom cell phones ringing from under the driver’s seat, odd “business meetings”, stuck in traffic for 2 hours or more once a week, toothbrush in trunk, credit card receipts for places she has never heard of.
3.    Drop the excuses. The first red flag that someone is a cheater is when they continually use the same tired excuse for why they are going to be gone. The most common excuse is work – whether it’s working late or going in on days off. The bottom line is that people who are suspicious have ways of finding you and work is one of the easiest of them.
4.    If you don’t get dressed up much or change your hair very often, then you need to start doing so prior to any meetings with a new partner. Dress up and just sit around the house or go somewhere with your current partner. If they ask why the change, just say I want to look nice. it will be less suspicious if you are doing so while with them. Then when it is time for you to go out with your other partner, they won’t think anything of it. Don’t go join a gym, get a new hair cut, a new outfit, ignore your partner and then say I’m just going out. You have to work up to this.

15.    Do not become too confident in your ability to deceive your spouse. If you become too sure of yourself, you will get sloppy and you may get caught.
1.    Follow the rules, every day without exception.  Typically someone forgets and gets away with it, then starts to skip over that rule because they don’t think anyone notices.  He doesn’t clear his call record from the cell, he forgets to kill the ringer, it rings when he is downstairs and she finds it tucked under the base of the dining room table. Huh?
2.    Are you making up lie after lie? Do you have to fabricate huge stories to cover up for other huge stories? Even if you think you are married to a total idiot, you are not. People are eventually going to see through all of your lies and you will have no way of ever being trusted again. So instead of making up lies try and be truthful.
3.    Say only what you really did do and leave out the details. For example, if you did go to the grocery store, tell your partner that. Leave out the fact that you stopped by the coffee shop and had a hot chocolate. This way you are not creating lies. Basically, follow the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy.

16.    Do not tell everyone you know about your illicit trysts. You should trust very few, if any, friends with your secret.
1.    We talk about people behind their backs but they don’t talk about us…do they?  An affair makes for great conversation. Even your best friend might feel the need to tell his other friends but don’t worry, he will always first clarify by saying, “Don’t tell anyone but….”
2.    I actually made the mistake of sharing some of my secrets with a female co-worker.  She was having an affair…so birds of a feather right?  Wrong.  Turns out that she felt she had a legitimate reason for cheating on her husband (he was a no good so & so) while I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. (in her opinion)
3.    Never try and have your friends cover for you. it’s just one more thing you have to worry about, and you have no control over what they say or do not say. Third, you never know how your friends really think of your partner. They may have their eyes on them for themselves. If you can’t think of a valid alibi without involving your friends, you are not smart enough to not get caught.

17.    Do not make promises you cannot keep. Nothing will prompt your lover to reveal your affair to your spouse quicker than your failure to fulfill some insincere commitment to end your marriage for him or her.
1.    This happens far too often.  The new lovers see their new “friend” as being the answer to their dreams and their happiness.  The boring, passionless life they lead with their husband is overshadowed by this new Mr. Right.  He is exciting, respectful, well groomed and REALLY listens to her.  If she could just dump hubby and marry this guy…everything would be perfect.
2.    She tells her lover they will be together once she takes care of the small problem at home (her marriage).  That either never happens, takes too long or there is a tremendous amount of unwanted tension generated by hubby not wanting to let his marriage end.  Just be very careful about making commitments or promises, even though in the heat of passion it may seem tempting.
3.    Further keep in mind that once the “wonder” with your new love wears off, they are apt to be closer to the guy you married than you might like to admit.

18.    Finally, the best rule of advice is not to cheat.
No matter how hard you try to do it you will have to live with knowing that you have been unfaithful. And, like the saying says, “All good things must come to an end”. Is it worth losing your husband or wife? Children? House? If you answered “yes” to those questions then why not just make the decision to leave those things?  Easier said than done, I know.

Disclaimer:  I do not condone cheating and this list is not a roadmap for cheating, it is a an overview of what cheaters already know.  The average person will not read this and think, “Great, I was thinking about cheating and now that I have a list of ways not to get caught, I’m good to go!”  It doesn’t work that way.  I wrote this because I have been on both ends in the past, I have been cheated on and I have cheated.  In the case of my being cheated on, my wife had no intention of leaving me and the last thing that she wanted to happen was for me to find out.  I actually believe that she loved me and didn’t want me to get hurt BUT she still had a desire to ensure that she was in a situation that made her happy and our marriage did not.  If she had followed this list she might have kept her affair hidden until it “phazed out”.  I would be none the wiser and we might still be married today. I do beleive that in some cases  the cheating phase is just that…a phase.  the cheat finds out that the grass isn’t greener and with time finds out that “Mr. Perfect” is in fact human, just like hubby.  If they can get through this chapter in their life without getting caught, taking their lesson in life and working on making their marriage stronger because of it…it is most likely a good thing that they never got caught.

When I was doing the cheating I was looking to leave my situation but “jumped the gun”.  I already was well aware of what I needed to do in order to keep the peace until I could make my move. I certainly didn’t read some blog before or during my escapades for advice.