Q: Does size matter? Why or why not?

He Says:
I have to admit that I have never been asked the question however I have discussed the subject with many women.  The general concensus was yes, size does matter, but not in the typical way that men think.

When the question is asked, does size matter?; a man typically rephrases the sentence to read “Does having a larger than average penis matter to the woman that you are making love to; will your love making be less satisfying for her if your penis is merely average?”

So, yes in my conversations it was generally agreed upon that size matters in that too small or too large could pose specific logistical problems BUT if the lovemaking were part of an ongoing relationship, penis size was an insignificant attribute.

One woman said that she would prefer a man to be “well-endowed” and anything less was unacceptable to her.  We as people do have specific preferences and I would say if I were looking for “perfection” then the woman I envision would have everything in exactly the proportions I “envision” as “perfect”.  I had a friend once that was crazy about large breasts.  He claimed he could not be sexually satisfied by a woman with small breasts, yet I find that large breasts have a negative effect on my arousal…to each their own.

I found that most women that had the opportunity to experience a number of partners and their penises typically “enjoyed” the physical comfort of an average penis.  Those that were “smallish” especially in girth or diameter were more difficult to feel.  Those that were overly large tended to cause some physical discomfort in certain positions.  “Bottoming-out” or hard bumping into the cervix were not pleasurable according to the women.

In my personal experience I have never had anyone complain directly to me in regards to “size”.  I have had some experienced lovers and in discussion not one had ever mentioned that a previous lover was “too small”. Inversly, more than one stated they had experienced penises that were too large for comfort. Keep in mind that I am specifically talking about size here and not technique.

The point is that while women tend to fret over their weight, men fret over their penis size.  I spend many years, especially when younger literally worrying about my size.  Scientifically and logically it makes sense that “size” doesn’t matter providing it is not falling into one of the extremes.  Psychologically, it is a different story.

Does size matter?  Yes, to a certain extent.  Does my size matter to me? No.

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Did you have a good childhood?

She Says:
I don’t remember having a childhood really.  Raised in a very strict environment it was difficult for me to be myself as there were so many rules attached with what you could or couldn’t do; what you could or couldn’t say; what you could or couldn’t eat; where you could or couldn’t go; what friends you could or couldn’t have.  However, I firmly believe that my parents did the best that they could with the knowledge that they had.  Similar to myself as a parent – I can only do the best that I can with what I know.

I was not abused – but I was hit with the belt; had my hair pulled; was slapped and screamed at.  By today’s standards I’m sure it could be considered abuse.  But I do not believe that I was.  A lot of the parenting my parents did was motivated by fear.  Fear of the unkown.  Being immigrants, not knowing the language or the lay of the land, they were fearful and the only people that they had to reach out to, were also fearful and therefore fed into their own fears.

At a very young age I was given a lot of responsibility and therefore had to grow up very quickly.   I took care of things for my parents (before the age of 10) around documents being filled out; talking to officials – basically doing the translating for them as they didn’t know the language.

Both my parents worked very hard to have a roof over our head and food on the table, and I was in tune to that very early in life.  There were definite chores I needed to do, was required to do, which took away a lot of the time that normally a child would use for playing with friends.

I did have friends and spent time with them playing the games that all kids play.  I just didn’t do as much as say the average person would.

For a long time, after graduating from University, I resented my parents for my childhood.  I was angry with them.  I have now come to terms with that and realize that they are only human and I also recognize that absolutely everything they did for me was done out of love.  Tremendous love.  They just did not have the skills at hand at the time to help me understand that then.

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Is PMS an honest reason to be miserable? Are you miserable?

She Says:
Short answer:  Absolutely not!

That being said, PMS is real and the degrees of suffering from it vary from individual to individual.  Too many women use it as an excuse to be miserable, or more to the point, to be bitchy.  Too many men use it as a rationalization as to that is what’s “wrong” with the woman in their life, rather than going deeper and finding out the real reason they may be bitchy.

My emotions go wacky during PMS (which is the week before give or take a day or so, I begin menstruating).  I cry very easily;  I exaggerate things in my mind;  I am easy to anger (both from my kids and my husband), I get annoyed more quickly with others, things that would normally not get on my nerves, get on my nerves.

My body goes wacky as well.  I feel ugly; I break out in zits (yes even being over 40!); I feel fatter; my breasts feel as though they are going to explode and I all around feel crummy.

However, I recognize this time period for what it is.  If I am feeling sad, I will avoid social interactions – in other words, I will not plan a dinner party when I know that I will be in the clutches of PMS.  I tell my husband to please be patient with me and if I exaggerate or am quick to anger, please forgive me and remind me gently why I might be feeling the way that I do.  (And he is wonderful about it!).  My children are too young to understand what is happening to mummy, and at the same time I am careful and think before I react to anything they say or do.

Recognition and awareness help me not to be miserable (given I’m not a miserable person to begin with).  Having control over my emotions at all times is important to me and my career.  I do not tolerate it very well when a co-worker uses PMS as an excuse for sub-standard work; for clarity in thinking things through; for being miserable in the office; or for calling in sick because of it.  Granted, there are real medical conditions which may make PMS worse and the actual menstration very painful – if that is the case, then you should get medical help.

Menstruating and PMS are natural.  It has been around since women have been around.  Yes it’s a pain in the ass; it can be messy.  But it is what makes us women!   It is beautiful and should be celebrated.  It should not be used as an excuse for being a bitch.  Cause, if you ask me, if you are a bitch while PMS’ing, you are more than likely a bitch naturally.

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Q: Do you consider yourself to be open-minded?

Yes.  I would say that I am more open-minded than most.  Open-minded being having greater tolerance for differences in appearance, culture and opinion. I am open-minded in that I have a desire to learn, to gain knowledge about someone else’s take on things.  If I simply turn my back on things that are not part of my lifestyle, I will never gain appreciation for anything other than the status-quo.  That is not to say that I wil indulge in everything new that I see.

I remember two specific occasions where I was in the company of others that were involved in activities that I chose not to participate in.  My other friends on the other hand stayed clear of the situation completely out of fear or disgust.  One was a heroin party where everyone was shooting up.  I had the opportunity to “learn” how, and why people make this choice.  Another time I found myself at a crack house and watched people on their hands and knees “harvesting” small pieces of crack cocaine from the carpet. These instances happened when I was younger and more carefree.  Today the thought of being possibly associated by proxy with those invoved in criminal activities could be bad for me.

My point is that I may not wish to be involved with the activity but don’t have any problem in being in the situation. I have a live and let live philosphy.  I really don’t care too much what others do, it does not typically generate any emotion in me, providing they are not specifically hurting anyone else against their will.

When another exercises control over another against that other’s will (unless part of a mutually agreed upon act) then I take issue with it.  I don’t beleive that anyone should be pressuring another into anything they do not feel comfortable in doing.  Suggestion of certain activities is good, it gives a person an opportunity to think about trying something…but no means no.

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Q: Can men and women be “just friends”?

He says:
Yes, I believe that men and women can be “just” friends.  I have a number of female aquaintances that I would consider to be friends…however:

Typically there is no physical attraction to my female friends.  No physical attraction means there is no drive to make the friendship physical.  “Loving” feelings for the welfare of the friend can be developed but there is little or no chance of romantic feelings.

If there is physical attraction I am still ok providing she stays on her side of the fence.  I think that flirtatious behaviour on her part might make things more uncomfortable for me.

If there is physical attraction on my part I keep a “gap”.  I don’t flirt, I don’t talk suggestively.  I keep things “above board”
In my experience I have done quite well at keeping my female friends, “just” friends unless there was a specific mutual decision to change our relationship into something more. In most of my relationships we were friends first.

I did have a couple of female “friends” in my life where the friendship had a physical component but we still referred to our relationship as a friendship.  Friends with benefits?

I no longer have any female friends.  Being in a serious relationship with a woman seriously curtails most other frindships a man may have with women.  I still crave intellectual and social connection with women moreso than men.

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Have you ever been cheated on? If yes, were you able to forgive and rebuild?

I have been cheated on and the feeling sucks big time.  However, every dark cloud has it’s own silver lining.  It changed my entire life, took me into a totally different direction and empowered me.
He cheated with a woman who was my friend, who I respected and looked up to like an older sister, one who was part of our “social circle.”  Not uncommon, but wow was I blind-sided.  Although, thinking back I should have seen the signs, but I suppose my eyes were wide shut.

I should have listened  when rather than saying, “I love you” like he always did, he started saying, “I care a lot about you.”

I should have questioned those times the front of his pants had small, “crusty white” stains when he came home, apologizing for being late, but he had gotten caught in traffic.

I should have noticed that suddenly he really liked spending time with “this woman and her family.”

I should have noticed all the time they were spending together.

I should have noticed how terrible he treated his own family.

I should have listened more carefully when his mother shared with me that she wasn’t too crazy about all the time he spent “with that woman” from work.

I should not have forgiven so quickly when he “accidently fell asleep on her couch one night and didn’t wake up until the morning.”

I should have noticed how close he was getting to her family.

I should have wondered and questioned why she phoned him so much.

I should have noticed that he was working very long hours; but didn’t see the money.

I was ready to change my entire life for him.

Everyone in my circle thought he was “a good catch”  a “respectable boy.”

Tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, dapper in the way he dressed (thanks to me – since he was a slob before we started dating).

He proposed to me in a very lavish and romantic way.  Oh yeah, the huge diamond ring; the long stem roses; the champagne; the fancy and expensive dinner; the entire staff of the restaurant applauding.  Oh yeah, the whole nine yards.

And a few months later, I catch him with her, by accident.

He had plans with a friend.  I had a free evening.  So I decided to “drop in” at her place for a coffee, and since she had just moved in, it was a great opportunity to see the new house.

I was walking to the front door, just as they were opening it and kissing good-bye, I assume.

She looked at me, didn’t say a word.  Looked at him and said “_______ is here” and turned around and went into the house.  In the few seconds that it took for him to turn to face me and open his mouth to speak, I saw everything pass before my mindseye – the stained pants, the long, hushed phone calls, the small changes in him, the long working hours, all the time they spent together when I thought they were “working”, it was as though suddenly my eyes had been opened.  I felt like I was in some sort of “movie of the week” – this was not happening.  This was not happening.  I turned and went to my car and got in.  He followed me.

He said it wasn’t what I thought it was.  He continued to try to reach out  and touch me; hug me; console me.

I was very calm.  “No?  Hmm, you said you were going out with Tom – she’s not Tom.”

“She just needed to talk to me about something.”

“Really?  Well go talk to her you fucker – cause obviously she doesn’t wanna have a coffee with me.”

“You’re making a big deal out of this.”

“Really? How so?  We’ve been together for over 8 years.  We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of months.  I asked you to be with me tonight; I needed you to be with me tonight; but you had promised Tom you would go out with him.  But here you are with her cause she needed you.  I suppose she needed you to kiss her goodnight?”

“You got it all wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

“Really, it’s nothing.  Come on, we have a lot of plans for tomorrow, everyone will be disappointed if we don’t go.”

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

“Seriously, take it easy.  Come on, my parents and your parents will be so disappointed.”

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

I became a different person at that point and lost all of my calmness.  Yeah, I sorta remember my fists flying and connecting with his face and the look of pure shock in his eyes that I had hit him.

They had been sleeping together since shortly after he proposed to me.  He was still willing to go through with marrying me. Wasn’t I the lucky one!  When I confronted her a week or so later – not in an angry, but rather “woman to woman please help me understand this so I can move on” way.  She gave me a lecture on how in this life sometimes you just have to do what you have to do and not worry about others.  She said that I wasn’t the woman he needed, deserved or wanted.  That it was her he wanted and I should just accept it.  This, from a friend?  This from a woman who’s children I had taken care of; had tucked into bed; had treated as my own.

I wish I could say that I have forgiven totally.  I have forgiven the cheating most definitely.  Because I understand the reasons behind why someone cheats.  And, had it only been the cheating I believe I would have been able to rebuild a relationship with him.

But what was the most difficult to forgive is how they each treated me after I found out.  When I was trying to understand what had happened; why it happened; how to move forward; I was met with  brick wall and hurtful words from each of them.  Each of them making me feel with every word they spoke to me, that it was my fault.  That I was not worthy.  I was very calm and rational throughout – hurting like crazy – but still calm and rational.  Through all the pain I was feeling it was me who was consoling everyone else – telling them it would be okay; his mother; his father; my parents; our mutual friends; his and my relatives – and at one point, I also had to console him.  Absolutely surreal how that worked – thinking back.

Fortunately, I did rebuild – but not in a relationship with him.

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Q: If you could be another person, who would you aspire to be?

He Says:
I would never want to be a different person than who I am but I do aspire to be like my father.  I was not close to my father when I was younger and I feel that detracts from the overall bond considerably.  I never really got the chance to know my dad until I was an adult.

My dad tends to be too submissive at times for my liking in that he will help others even if those others are not looking out for “his” best interests in return. My father is the type of man that would help out his worst enemy, if he had any.

I had the pleasure of attending an awards ceremony for my dad a few months back. He was given what equates to a lifetime achievment award within the Masonic Lodge.  They read a letter of recommendation from a fellow Mason and I was in awe of just how much my father had accomplished; most of it at his expense of time, while thanklessly making things better for others.

My dad is one person that will literally go out of his way, with no expectation of anything in return just to make another’s life more comfortable. I am proud of him and admire him more than anyone else.

I aspire to be more like my father every day.  I pale in comparison but at least now I can smile and feel proud when someone says, “You are just like your father”.

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Q: Do you consider yourself to be assertive or submissive in general?

He says:
In general I would say I am middle-of-the-road but if forced to make a choice I would have to say I have to say I was more submissive than assertive.  More on the B than the A side.  That being said, I am pretty much right down the middle in my views on most things.  I am not lazy, wimpy or spinless on the extreme submissive side, nor am I arrogant and self-centred on the extreme of assertive side. I tend to be a listener and find that many conflicts are fought over opinion, not fact.  I am never in the mood to argue my opinion with any great passion.  If I think something and someone else has fact that will disprove my thought…great.  If they also have but an opinion and try to use their opinion to win over my support…wate of time.  I simply do not care.

In relationships, whether personal, intimate or at work, I always try and be fair.  I try and see both sides of the story, even if my choice lies with one specific side.  I prefer to avoid situations of conflict; while I know that sometimes friction is part of a relationship, I will not back down nor fight but rely on making what I consider to be my truthful side of the story…then walk away if there is to be no resolution.  I refuse to argue for the sake of arguing.

I swear my ex thought it was a sport. She ALWAYS had to be right, yet since most of what she wanted to win over was based on opinion, not fact she created a tremendous amount of friction unecessarily.

In the bedroom, I would have to say that I am pretty much the same…middle of the road.  I would say that I tend to lean towards kinky in the activities but I have no desire to dominate the situation.  If my partner is not in the same mood that I am…it won’t work.

I general, I like to see others happy and if I can be part of the catalyst that brings them that happiness…I will try hard.  I have a live and let live philosophy and don’t mind too much how others conduct themselves in life providing they do not cause undue suffering to others in the process.

She Says:
I like to think that I am in the middle on this one. However, it all depends on who you speak with. As a wife and mother and in my career, I can be very assertive. It’s important to me to be heard and understood.

In some friendships I can be submissive (or passive) and want the other to be the leader and call all the shots.

Generally though, people would probably classify me as more assertive than submissive.

I have strong views on things/life however I always consider what others have to say and there are times where I have reset my stance/belief on something after hearing another side. Definitely passion comes into anything I want to do and sometimes that can come across as assertiveness/aggressiveness.

Although I enjoy planning things I also like having others plan things for me. In my primary relationship I am the decision maker, I am the influencer, I am the dominate one. However, I don’t necessarily like this role. I would rather the man in my life take on this role, although with a little balance. Given my partner’s personality, it’s necessary for me to take on the role of “dominance” however I have to be very careful as I recognize that it can come across as being controlling (when all I want is to plan a nice family vacation) and can sometimes make him feel “demasculated”, i.e., he’s the man he should be in charge and when he’s not he feels less than he should even though he is unable/unwilling to take the lead. There are times where I just want to be taken care of and feel feminine, however it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me in my current primary relationship. Of course I take responsibility for that – it is my personality and I need to own it.

Sexually, as much as I enjoy trying new things/different things, I am more submissive and wait for my partner to suggest/try/talk about. I know the reasons for this, I understand them and want to overcome them, but it’s one of those things that is so ingrained in me that it has taken a while. However, I have come a long way!

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