Judgement Day

The strangest thing happened on the way to the market…wait, no, that’s not what I want to post today!  Today’s post is challenging for me to write, or rather put into words.  It’s challenging because it is going to sound as though I have changed my views on affairs or rather rationalizing certain behaviour, which I have not and am not; it is hard to put into words because it deals with some strong emotions that have come up – quite suddenly it seems.  So, bear with me as I bare my soul.

A friend of mind has announced her engagement.  It will be her second marriage.  She’s been divorced less than a year.  When she told me, I was a little surprised – but nonetheless I am happy for her.  Everyone deserves to pursue their happiness.  As we spoke of her upcoming marriage, discussion her ex-husband came up, and intermingled within the entire discussion, the success of a popular adult cheating site came up and the morality of running such a business.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of guilt came over me.  Not guilt in the sense of getting caught.  Not even guilt in the sense that I have been pursuing an activity which has the potential to hurt people who do not deserve to be hurt.  But guilt of the morality kind.

But even different than that.  I suddenly felt and understood I think, that if others knew about my philandering ways (way way exaggeration here!  As I am far from being a philanderer) they would judge me.  In judging me on this one thing – cheating – it would negate all the good things that I am.  All the positive things that I do.  All the affirmative things I have done.  All the loving things I believe in.  All the joy I have brought forth.  All the wisdom I have shared.

But in judging me on this one issue, they would not be asking me what my motivation was in pursuing a relationship with a man who is not my husband.  They would not be interested in the reasons I choose to cheat rather than leave my current marriage. They would simply label me a “cheater”; a “home wrecker”  a “whore”.   They would simply judge and be satisfied that in their judgement they are better than me, or rather, “gooder” than me – because in their judgement I am bad.

I am none of those things – okay, well I am a cheater.  I have not wrecked any one’s home – including my own.  I live in a loving family unit.  I show my husband commitment and I put my children above all else.  However being human I need to leave room for me. I need to carve out a piece of sanity; joy; happiness and intimacy for me.  I fulfill the needs of my family.  I fulfill the desires they ask of me.  I guide my children in the direction of being loving and caring participants in life.  I have guided my husband out of a deep depression and helped him cope with his mental illness.  I have supported him financially and emotionally, without complaint.  I have put my heart and soul into a marriage that left me feeling a deep sense of loneliness, sadness and powerlessness.  But I did not leave.  I chose not to leave as it would have done him and my children more harm than me good.  I chose the path of doing less harm.  This does not make me a heroic martyr.  This makes me human.

In judging, no one would ask about the the fears and anxieties that I could not discuss with my closest partner, my husband, because he admittedly is incapable of offering that emotional support to me.  In judging, they would see me as wanting sexual variety – not spiritual connection.

In judging, they would not ask what type of extramarital relationship I sought.  They would assume what it looks like.

Am I rationalizing my behaviour?  Most would say yes.  And in a way I probably am.  But in my heart I know I am a good person.  A good mother.  And yes, a good wife.

From the sum of my experiences – having been cheated on; having given myself totally; having loved; having been hurt; having endured the absolute loneliness that comes from dealing with mental illness of the person who is to stand side by side with you, but having to carry them emotionally – I have grown into the person I am today and will continue to grow.

I should not care that others will judge me if they knew; and I will continue not to judge others.

Good Ole Days are Just that for a Reason

For whatever reason, people in my life – new and old – seem to sense a certain characteristic in me that allows them to feel comfortable in disclosing their innermost secrets and desires to me, especially when it comes to their infidelity or thoughts of it (I have never disclosed mine however).  Although there are times where I welcome this and it makes me feel honoured, most of the time it is quite stressful in that I begin to care too deeply about helping them out of the turmoil they have created.

It has taken me some time to realize that in their disclosure, these friends aren’t asking me to fix their problem, but rather they see in me a non-judgemental, sounding board.  Someone that they can disclose this information to and know that rather than judge them, I will offer words that may help them out of their crisis or simply words that act as a balm to their pain.  This is less stressful for me as I no longer carry that imaginary burden of having to “fix” their problems.  Before I offer advice, I listen for the words, “Can you help me?  What is your advice?  What should I do?”  If I do not hear those words, I simply listen.  Although there are times where I need to bite my tongue as I hear things that I know will lead to much heartbreak and pain for them and those in their lives.

Over the past several years – and with the popularity of such sites as Facebook and MySpace – I have reconnected with some old friends.  The beauty of these sites is that you can choose who to reconnect with and who not to reconnect with.  Some individuals are making the mistake of reconnecting with old flames, hoping to rekindle the imaginary magic that was present when they were in their teens, late teens or early 20’s.  These relationships are doomed to failure for the simple reason that in our teens, late teens and early 20s, the magic was our hormones and ego development!  The magic was created through our trying to discover who we were and in that discovery we were able to try on different personalities (Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist describes this in his 8 stages of personality development – http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/erickson.shtml).  Note:  I chose to site Erikson here, not because I am a fan of his, but rather because he seems to offer a very simple explanation of the stages of personality development.  There are other personality and developmental psychologists who offer other explanations – some similar and some different.

One such acquaintance of mine who has reconnected with an old girlfriend from high school – both are now married to different people – are finding how unrealistic it is to try to rekindle the past.  In their current extra-marital affair, as they try to rekindle what was in the past, they are coming across the same obstacles that created the break up in the first place.  Only now, these characteristics in each of them are that much more ingrained, that the arguments are more heated; the jealousy more intense and their egos that much bigger.  Should they carry on with this affair, and see it to the end (he has confided in me that he has every intention of leaving his wife and children for this woman when he is able) they will eventually find that they cannot make it work.  Why?  Because if they could, they would never have broken up in the first place, oh so many years ago.  They will continue to create these dramas in their lives.

There was a reason why you break up with old loves.  Why would you want to rekindle that?  Some people will say because they need closure.  Closure?  It’s a farce – in our 40s we are beginning to really recognize that we are not immortal and that death is inevitable.  Yes of course we know this all our lives, but in our adolescent years, in our youth we are indestructible and as we enter our forties and watch parents of friends pass away and possibly our own parents pass away, we realize that the end of life is closer than ever.  And so, why not bring back those old emotions from those carefree days?  The unfortunate thing is that we are very different people now than we were then – some of us have grown in a more positive direction and grown up and cast aside those old personality traits that did not serve us well.  Some of us have not changed very much, nor have we grown very much, and still hang on to the drama that we so craved and enjoyed in our youth.

Another individual in my circle of friends, I was surprised to learn, is questioning her marriage.  Is trying to decide whether to stay married or not and has begun seeking fulfillment on line.  Why?  Because she wonders if there is something better out there.  Being new to the on-line experience, she fell for the first person she met – on an adult dating site.  I don’t think it ever occurred to her that the person on the other end of the chat line was only looking for sex and when this became the reality, she was devastated.  She is now repeating the same thing.

And yet another person I know, in his 40s, is also seeking to rekindle an old love.

I have had fantasies of rekindling an old love.  I have googled him and know exactly how to connect with him.  I also know that he would probably welcome contact from me.  However, I am a different person now and I have no desire to go back to the person I was then.  I’d rather look forward to fresh experiences and growth.  Trying to re-ignite something that lost its flame long ago is only asking to move backwards.

All fires, although rekindleable, will eventually burn out to nothing but black soot.

Mixed Messages? I’d Rather a Mixed Drink!

One issue that continues to be frustrating in my search is the mixed messages.

I like to think that I am a good communicator.  I endeavour to be clear and I also endeavour to ask questions when I’m not clear on something.  I also never say something unless I mean it.  I don’t beat around the bush if I want something, I speak directly.  My way of communicating has caused me some stress as sometimes people mistake my directiveness – or straightforwardness – as being aggressive or just being a bitch.

Hmmm, wonder if a man would ever get accused of being aggressive in a business context if he spoke matter-of factly?  Doubt it, but women who speak their mind are usually labelled aggressive or bitchy or “on the rag.”  That could be one of the reasons why some women choose to not be as direct as they should, or rather have developed this way of communicating.  Don’t get me wrong – communicating directly does not mean being rude, inconsiderate of another’s feelings or downright mean.  It just means being straightforward and not beating around the bush.  Making yourself clear without a hidden agenda.

Some time ago I dated a married man I had met on line.  We got to know eachother through email messages and messenger.  We met in person very early on and upon meeting our connection grew stronger.  Or so I thought and was led to believe by the things he said and did.   As our relationship moved forward I started to realize that time and time again I needed to remind this individual that we were married to other people.  In my mind the relationship was not a physical one – and he assured me that in his mind it was not either.  Neither one of us discounted the fact that our sex life was pretty incredible and a bonus to the relationship.

He wrote me the most beautiful emails, we had incredible conversations, discussions about many things; both when we were together and when we were conversing via electronic means.  He continually told me how much he cared for me, how much I meant to him, how much we could make our relationship work; that we were on the same page as to the boundaries of our relationship and friendship.  He even tried to convince me to relocate my business closer to him so we could spend more time together. We shared “secrets” and told eachother things that at least I, have never told anyone.  I don’t recall reciprocating a lot of the “mushyness” he seemed to be sending my way – however there were the odd mushy comments from me as well.  Not because I didn’t care for him, but rather because I didn’t see a need for mushyness, or at least the amount he was dishing out, and also because I cannot say something unless I mean it.  The words “I love you” do not come easily to me – not because I cannot feel – but rather because I find those words powerful and only use them when they are real.

The final time I saw him (although I didn’t know at the time it would be the final time) he had an amazingly romantic evening planned – to which I asked that he tone it down a bit, given we had limited time to spend together and his plans would have involved a couple of days.   Everything was just as it had always been.  No clues were given to me as to what awaited me the next day in my in-box.  I had no reason to believe that this was the last time I would see him.

The day after, I received an email from him which upon starting to read it, my mouth hung open.   The gist of the email was that given he and I were just fuck buddies, he didn’t appreciate my sending him any “mushy” comments (earlier I had sent him a “mushy” comment which related to something the evening before).  Although he didn’t use the term “fuck buddies” it was what was implied in his statements.  He went on to say that given he was married (which I knew the entire time we were “dating” but which didn’t stop him from being “romantic”) and had a career, that he didn’t have time to pursue a relationship with me that involved anything other than mutally satisfying eachother sexually when we had time.  Hmmm, would have been nice to know the year before, since he was in the same career then and was married then too, but didn’t stop him then from pursuing a relationship with me – nor did it stop him from all the romanticizing and “mushyness.”

I didn’t spend too much time analyzing the situation or the email.  Obviously he had gotten bored with our relationship – would have been nice to have been given some clue, or at least for him to have the balls to tell me in person.  I wondered if he forgot all the things he had said and emailed me during the past year we had been in a “relationship?”   Or, perhaps, and probably closer to the truth, he didn’t mean them.  Whatever it was, I told him that I really wasn’t interested in a fuck buddy at this time, but would certainly consider him a candidate should that need arise.

It did throw me for a loop though.  For a time I did feel a bit stupid for falling for his “romantic” BS.  However, looking back I realize that he was sending me (and possibly himself) mixed messages.

He had told me several times that I was a friend he wanted and needed in his life – I think he’s better off with a lesson in how to communicate honestly.

Love thy neighbour…Just don’t get caught!

Most everyone would like to believe when they get married that it will be forever. However, the reality in today’s world is that many marriages fail and result in divorce. Other married couples may fall out of love and grow to dislike one another more than they care to admit, but for a variety of reasons (kids, money, religious beliefs etc…), they remain husband and wife in theory primarily.

These types of marriages can inevitably lead one or both spouses to seek the comfort of another adult and eventually cheat on one another. Sites like Craigslist and Plentyoffish are full of “married but looking” people.  Even the owner of the Plentyoffish site states the following in his blog: “Of those 2000 users who use the forums less than 50% are actually single and even fewer are actively looking for someone.”  Is he not admitting that half of the users are married or otherwise in a committed relationship?  See his post here.

Another scenario that may lead a married person to be unfaithful is an unexpected meeting with someone who sweeps them off their feet.  They married the person that they thought best suited them on the whole, they maybe didn’t marry someone that was their dream girl because they never expected “her” to come along.  When she does, all hell can break loose. Despite their attempts to prevent this relationship from becoming an extramarital affair, they may find their feelings to powerful to deny and thus give into their desires to be with this new person. The saying “Life is too short…” comes to mind as justification for this new love or lust.

The one thing that really gets overlooked in these cases is …reality.  The “new” person, the “other” person will almost ALWAYS seem better than the one at home, at face value.  We are designed as human beings to go through a state of euphoria in the beginning, the same heightened sense of attraction that went through with our spouse.  If you have the foresight to realize this when your “dream” comes along (after 7 years of marital bliss with the one you vowed to be faithful to) that “she” is really not that much different than your spouse, then a lot of costly, hurtful mistakes could be avoided. Still other married people may consciously choose to cheat on their spouses. If you fall into that category, you probably have the art of not getting caught mastered already.

Regardless of what leads a spouse to break their wedding vows, here some of the best ways to get away with an affair.

1.    Never bring your lover to your home, your neighbourhood, your workplace, your favourite restaurant, the mall or to your kid’s hockey or swimming practice (because it is YOUR weekend)
The problem is that over time the participants in the affair get cocky.  They try something once and get away with it, so they do it again thinking that no one notices…yet people (spouses) DO notice. This means never allowing the person you are fooling around with to permeate your life completely. You should never allow this person into your home or even near your residence. If possible keep as much personal information… personal. Remember that you don’t really know “person B” and if and when you decide to stop communicating with them they may try to retaliate.

2.    Keep Your Partner Happy
1.    If you don’t want your partner to grow suspicious of your activity it’s imperative that you keep them happy. Get them flowers or write them a little note every now and again. Let them know that you care and they will be much less suspicious. However be careful about making changes too quickly.  Any change in your normal routine WILL be noticed.  You haven’t bought her flowers for years and now 3x this month?  What’s up with that?  As well she might feel that you are actually “coming around” and have decided to be more romantic, as she has been asking of you for years.  Turns out you have completely ulterior motives.  Be nice…but be wise in how you present it.
2.    It’s key to continue to flirt with your current partner before you cross the line and while you are across. A dead giveaway is a loss in interest in your current partner but keep in mind that a sudden (supposed) renewed interest will also make her wonder.  Be gradual in your approach.
3.    If your affair is more for “fun” than of a serious emotional connection, it is not too hard to play the game.  If you have real feelings for your lover and not for your spouse it will be far more difficult to “pretend” to be a loving partner at home.

3.    Never go to your lover’s home (unless they are completely single and free from the ties of marriage and/or a serious relationship.) If they get caught by their significant other, chances are your spouse will also find out.
Even if they are single and free, depending on their locale in respect to your home or town there is a great possibility that someone will see you go into or out of her house.  You had better always have a great alibi thought out in advance should this occur.  If you are a pizza delivery man or a cable installer you may be covered off by proxy.  If you are an executive in an office and work normal business hours in a town 20 miles away yet seen coming out of Suzie Q’s place at 1:30 PM by the mother of one of your son’s classmates…you had better have good reason.  Women love to talk.

4.    Never call your new companion from your home phone.
1.    Home phones typically store last numbers called or received.  Your spouse picks up the phone and hits redial thinking the last call made was the one she made to her mother and surprise! If by chance you break this rule, make sure that you understand how your phone works.
2.    Keep in mind that even if you erase the last numbers dialled most locales offer a service that allows you to check the last number dialed from that phone by dialing *69.   For this reason it is wise that after you hang up to dial an arbitrary number (one that you already know is not connected anywhere) so if your spouse checks or hits redial you at least have an out.
3.    Whenever possible it is safest to use email or sites like Myspace or Facebook.

5.    Be careful when you call your new companion from your regular cell phone.
1.    If you are going to use a cell phone, as most do, make sure that you are well aware of all of the features on your phone.  I knew someone once that was very careful about erasing all of her incoming and outgoing calls but forgot to erase a text message one day and her husband read it.
2.    In my case, in order to prevent anyone from getting MY cell number should someone answer HER phone other than her, I had my service provider permanently block my number on outgoing calls.  I also made a habit of never initiating a conversation until I heard her voice.  I never sent text messages as they seemed like a perfect way to get caught.  I also had the monthly bills “suppressed” so that they were only accessible online, no hard copy was mailed.
3.    A friend of mine had a separate cell phone specifically for his extramarital activities.  This way there was no confusion and he didn’t have to be so careful about keeping everything erased or hidden.  He kept the phone under the seat in his car.  Shame that he forgot to turn off the ringer one day.  You can just see his wife, sitting beside him, saying “That’s not my phone, that’s not your phone, What is that”?  My friend got really used to his car after that and never had to hide his phone, as a matter of fact his car became his home shortly after that!
4.    Another issue is the security lock on the cell.  It makes sense to lock out your phone to prevent access but…imagine this scenario.  You are driving to a dinner party with your wife and are running late.  She tries to call but her cell is dead so asks for yours.  You hand it to her but it is locked.  She says, it’s locked…why…what’s the code??  You give it to her, she makes her call and you stop sweating…for now.  Later you change your code to prevent her from snooping later.  The next time she needs to use your phone she notices that you have a different code.  Your cell is locked AND you keep changing the code AND every time she asks to use your phone you start sweating…hmmm

6.    Be careful of your internet activities.
Once again having prior technical knowledge of what your computer tracks is important.  Various browsers have different ways of tracking and therefore different ways of allowing the user to delete the stored information.  While no browser is totally safe, certain ones, Firefox as an example, are set up in such a way to erase ALL history automatically when the user exits.  Still others like Internet Explorer have “secret” files that cannot be erased without special software.  They are a “permanent” history of the websites that the browser visited.  Although no specifics are provided, it doesn’t show what was seen or written, it does show the site name as well as date and time of last visit.  So what?  If Ashley-Madison was one of the site visited you might have a hard time explaining that you were looking for recipes OR conversely looking for the latest and greatest drill press.

7.    Keep your overall mood in check.
An affair can turn out to be very tiring and very stressful. You can’t seem to get away from your spouse enough and can’t hook up with your lover as much as you would like.  Cheaters often lash out at their partners unexpectedly, they are quicker to argue or fly into a rage.  They act “guilty” or will avoid pointed questions, may be unable to look their spouse in the eye.  Your spouse knows you, she is used to your behaviour, she knows your quirks and overall demeanor.  If your attitude changes and you have greater mood swings, she will notice.

8.    Never give your new friend your home phone number.
1.    If you are calling someone and you don’t want them to see your home number or you don’t want their call display to see your number (hard to explain why Suzie Q saw your name and number on her call display and called you back) you can dial *67 before making the call.  Suzie Q will see private number and private name.
2.    In the same way that your wife thinks that your relationship with her is stable, you think that you and Suzie Q are even more stable (Suzie understands you better than your wife…remember) there will come a time when things cool or change suddenly and not for the better.  I had a friend that decided to cheat, not only on his wife but on Suzie as well. When Suzie found out, so did his wife and half of the city.  If you think your wife will be angry if she finds out…Suzie will make your wife look like a saint.

9.    Keep a low profile when you are out with your lover.
You would be surprised how many people know you and/or your spouse, who unbeknownst to you may see you lavishing inappropriate attention on your new companion in public.
I took a lover on a trip with me one day, during the day to a town that was 150 miles away.  There was no chance that anyone that I know would be there.  We are sitting having lunch on the outdoor patio when my son’s babysitter AND my son walks by.  Yes, they did see me.  In this case there was a “balance of terror” between the babysitter and I.  She wasn’t supposed to have our son with her and I wasn’t supposed to have Suzie Q with me.  Nothing more was ever said from either side BUT I realized that no place is safe.

10.    Do your best to meet with your lover out of town – somewhere far enough away from home that you do not know people and people do not know you.
Some place like…Australia! See #5

11.    Never Pay By Credit
A HUGE mistake is paying for anything by credit card or debit card. Not only can you forget to dispose of the receipt but if your partner gets a hold of your bank statement it will be near impossible to explain why you went out to dinner at a romantic restaurant “alone” or why you filled up your gas tank so far from home or work. So keep cash on hand.

12.    Do not keep any gifts the other partner gives you.
No matter how nice it is. This is a sure way to get caught. Don’t put them in the car, keep them in you office or anywhere. Some where some time, maybe even years down the road, something will slip about them. You may just forget what story you originally told about it’s origin. If the partner is suspicious they will remember exactly what you originally said.

13.    Keep Expenses Under Control
A single relationship can be expensive enough, let alone trying to juggle two of them. Don’t fall into the trap of blowing money you don’t have on your “other” partner. It’s a lost cause and will catch up to you in the end. Many people have made the mistake of getting themselves thousands of dollars in debt by trying to impress another individual. So if you plan to step out on your partner, do it with realistic financial expectations.

14.    Try to maintain your “normal” routine.
1.    Try and set up a regular schedule of “dates” with your lover. If your spouse expects you to be out of town for business overnight every Wednesday, he/she will not suspect anything when you maintain this schedule and include your new friend in your overnight stays.
2.    The most important rule when it comes to an affair is to keep your normal routine at home.  This is where most cheats get caught.  New underwear, new lock codes on the cell phone, cell phone hidden, phantom cell phones ringing from under the driver’s seat, odd “business meetings”, stuck in traffic for 2 hours or more once a week, toothbrush in trunk, credit card receipts for places she has never heard of.
3.    Drop the excuses. The first red flag that someone is a cheater is when they continually use the same tired excuse for why they are going to be gone. The most common excuse is work – whether it’s working late or going in on days off. The bottom line is that people who are suspicious have ways of finding you and work is one of the easiest of them.
4.    If you don’t get dressed up much or change your hair very often, then you need to start doing so prior to any meetings with a new partner. Dress up and just sit around the house or go somewhere with your current partner. If they ask why the change, just say I want to look nice. it will be less suspicious if you are doing so while with them. Then when it is time for you to go out with your other partner, they won’t think anything of it. Don’t go join a gym, get a new hair cut, a new outfit, ignore your partner and then say I’m just going out. You have to work up to this.

15.    Do not become too confident in your ability to deceive your spouse. If you become too sure of yourself, you will get sloppy and you may get caught.
1.    Follow the rules, every day without exception.  Typically someone forgets and gets away with it, then starts to skip over that rule because they don’t think anyone notices.  He doesn’t clear his call record from the cell, he forgets to kill the ringer, it rings when he is downstairs and she finds it tucked under the base of the dining room table. Huh?
2.    Are you making up lie after lie? Do you have to fabricate huge stories to cover up for other huge stories? Even if you think you are married to a total idiot, you are not. People are eventually going to see through all of your lies and you will have no way of ever being trusted again. So instead of making up lies try and be truthful.
3.    Say only what you really did do and leave out the details. For example, if you did go to the grocery store, tell your partner that. Leave out the fact that you stopped by the coffee shop and had a hot chocolate. This way you are not creating lies. Basically, follow the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy.

16.    Do not tell everyone you know about your illicit trysts. You should trust very few, if any, friends with your secret.
1.    We talk about people behind their backs but they don’t talk about us…do they?  An affair makes for great conversation. Even your best friend might feel the need to tell his other friends but don’t worry, he will always first clarify by saying, “Don’t tell anyone but….”
2.    I actually made the mistake of sharing some of my secrets with a female co-worker.  She was having an affair…so birds of a feather right?  Wrong.  Turns out that she felt she had a legitimate reason for cheating on her husband (he was a no good so & so) while I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. (in her opinion)
3.    Never try and have your friends cover for you. it’s just one more thing you have to worry about, and you have no control over what they say or do not say. Third, you never know how your friends really think of your partner. They may have their eyes on them for themselves. If you can’t think of a valid alibi without involving your friends, you are not smart enough to not get caught.

17.    Do not make promises you cannot keep. Nothing will prompt your lover to reveal your affair to your spouse quicker than your failure to fulfill some insincere commitment to end your marriage for him or her.
1.    This happens far too often.  The new lovers see their new “friend” as being the answer to their dreams and their happiness.  The boring, passionless life they lead with their husband is overshadowed by this new Mr. Right.  He is exciting, respectful, well groomed and REALLY listens to her.  If she could just dump hubby and marry this guy…everything would be perfect.
2.    She tells her lover they will be together once she takes care of the small problem at home (her marriage).  That either never happens, takes too long or there is a tremendous amount of unwanted tension generated by hubby not wanting to let his marriage end.  Just be very careful about making commitments or promises, even though in the heat of passion it may seem tempting.
3.    Further keep in mind that once the “wonder” with your new love wears off, they are apt to be closer to the guy you married than you might like to admit.

18.    Finally, the best rule of advice is not to cheat.
No matter how hard you try to do it you will have to live with knowing that you have been unfaithful. And, like the saying says, “All good things must come to an end”. Is it worth losing your husband or wife? Children? House? If you answered “yes” to those questions then why not just make the decision to leave those things?  Easier said than done, I know.

Disclaimer:  I do not condone cheating and this list is not a roadmap for cheating, it is a an overview of what cheaters already know.  The average person will not read this and think, “Great, I was thinking about cheating and now that I have a list of ways not to get caught, I’m good to go!”  It doesn’t work that way.  I wrote this because I have been on both ends in the past, I have been cheated on and I have cheated.  In the case of my being cheated on, my wife had no intention of leaving me and the last thing that she wanted to happen was for me to find out.  I actually believe that she loved me and didn’t want me to get hurt BUT she still had a desire to ensure that she was in a situation that made her happy and our marriage did not.  If she had followed this list she might have kept her affair hidden until it “phazed out”.  I would be none the wiser and we might still be married today. I do beleive that in some cases  the cheating phase is just that…a phase.  the cheat finds out that the grass isn’t greener and with time finds out that “Mr. Perfect” is in fact human, just like hubby.  If they can get through this chapter in their life without getting caught, taking their lesson in life and working on making their marriage stronger because of it…it is most likely a good thing that they never got caught.

When I was doing the cheating I was looking to leave my situation but “jumped the gun”.  I already was well aware of what I needed to do in order to keep the peace until I could make my move. I certainly didn’t read some blog before or during my escapades for advice.

Causing the Least Harm

Early on in my marriage I came to realize that my husband was not going to be able to connect with me on the deep emotional level that in my belief is required in a marriage. The sex is fine – not mindblowing – but I think I could have lived with that. The issue was with the level of, or lack of, intimacy he could offer once we were married. And, it started to feel that he had no clue about how to be intimate in an emotional way. Why I didn’t see this prior to getting married is partly because I had an expectation that once married deeper intimacy would naturally follow (wrong!!!) and partly because I couldn’t see past my infatuation with him during our dating years.

The bottom line is that I was becoming more and more of a caregiver/mother figure to him than I was a wife, lover or woman. And no, this was not in my imagination. Being the logical person that I am, I outright asked him and he confirmed it to me. I was already a mother to our children, I needed male-female intimacy in my life; I needed an emotional connection that I was not getting from the man in my life, nor the type that I was getting from my female friends. Even during sex with my husband, I am not an intimate partner – I am an outlet for him. I am present to pleasure and take care of him. And then, if he has the energy he takes care of me – or leaves me to take care of myself. Most of the reasons for the lack or inability to be intimate on his side have to do with his own psychological issues, that we continue to struggle through.

Does this justify cheating? Probably not. The psychologists of the world would say that I had a responsibility to leave this relationship first, prior to seeking out something else. They may be right, however in thinking and analyzing my situation, leaving would be more hurtful and damaging to him and to our children, than staying and having “a secret friend” would ever be.

Does this justify cheating? Probably not most would say. For me and who I am, I decided to “do what causes the least harm” (as Buddha might say) for all involved – including myself. If I ever get caught, I know in my heart that although hurt, my husband would understand and forgive. And, if he ever decided to (or is) cheating in some way, I would be able to easily forgive.

Of course the “doing what causes least harm” is difficult from the standpoint of the other person, or the “secret friend.” And it has been something I have always struggled with. I suppose that is another reason why my search has not been as successful as I would have liked. The other person involved needs to be on the same page – and that has been very difficult to find.

Women’s Infidelity – Book Review

I read an article the other day about predictable patterns of a woman’s realtionships.  This article was written by Michelle Langley for her book, “Women’s Infidelity” on her web site, http://www.womensinfidelity.com/.  I am wondering if any of the female readers find any synergy in what she says compared to your own experiences.

She states in her book that women’s relationships today follow a very predictable pattern:

They push men for commitment
They get what they want
They lose interest in sex
They become attracted to someone else
They start cheating
They become angry and resentful
They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
They blame their partners for their behavior…and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.

Stage 1

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier.

Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them.  Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

Stage 2

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a “new” man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.

Many women in this stage haven’t felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

I would imagine that men follow a “predictable” pattern as well.  Most issues that I have had in relationships have had to do with compromising with my partner for the “better-good”.  If I took her on every time I thought about it, we would never stop fighting, most time I just “let her win” her argument.  I react to issues in a relationship based on the “big picture”.  What happens one day is not the end of the world and we have another 50 years to go so I don’t rock the boat too much.  Relationships require a tremendous amount of tolerance and “give and take”. IF on the other hand there was a specific predictable pattern that was being followed, there would be a huge difference in my reation to various scenarios; rather than trying to work with such a self-centred individual I would feel free to do whatever I found pleasing to ME. Why should she have the freedom to stand back from the relationship and judge it?

I have not read this particular author’s book and most likely will not.  I am not much for reading about how men can work with their wives to change predetermined, predictable patterns in their lives and relationships.  I beleive in self-help. If my wife said to me, I am losing interest in sex…can we work together to find a solution…I would be all for it.  If she said, I am losing interest in sex and there is nothing you can do about it, I would be doing someone else.  At this stage in my life I have no interest in a tremendous amount of compromise (even for someone that I love).  I am not interested in sitting back while she “sorts her head out”.  I have seen this behaviour too often before and I sat back like an idiot until she made the decision to move on.  Whether women like it or accept it…sex is a very big part of a man’s connection with her.  It isn’t everything but when it is taken away a big part of why your husband is attentive is taken away as well.

To continue reading the excerts from the author’s website follwo this link: http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

What’s Good for the Goose…

One of the questions I would ask as I searched for that “perfect affair” was how the other person would feel if their spouse cheated on them. That is to say, here you are contemplating cheating, but how would you feel if your spouse was also “searching” or actually involved in an affair.

Over and over again I was surprised at the responses. Men would always tell me that it would NOT be okay for their wife to be seeking what they themselves were seeking, an extra-marital relationship. When I would ask why, their answers sputtered but had no real substance. However, the basic theme in their answers was that their wives had no reason to cheat; they didn’t want to think of their wives with another man sharing emotionally and/or physically; it was a betrayal of trust; they would find it hard to forgive.

That got me thinking, because from the moment I went outside my marriage for that emotional and physical connection, I knew in my heart and soul that if my husband was doing the same thing, I would not hold it against him. Essentially I really wouldn’t care. This is not because I don’t love my husband – because I do. But obviously if there was something missing from my relationship with him that I know for a fact I would never be able to have; then he must feel the same way and be missing something from his relationship with me – it’s just logical.

Therefore, if I was searching outside – it automatically gave him permission to seek outside. That’s not to say that we have an open-relationship, because we do not. He does not know about any of the cheating that I have done. However, if he were to cheat on me – either emotionally or physically – I really do not care. It would not affect my self-esteem, my relationship with him, nor would it mean the end to our marriage.

After some time I started wondering how women felt about this same issue. That is, if they were cheating, how would they feel about their husband cheating? The few women that I know who have cheated and have confided in me about it said to me that there was NO WAY they would ever forgive their husbands if they cheated with another woman. HUH??? I could not wrap my mind around this. I could not wrap my mind around how men who cheated felt the same way.

One woman that I know well who has cheated for years, actually has a very firm control over her husband. And she becomes quite angry, enraged actually, if her husband even flirts with another woman. If her husband goes out for a night with the guys, she is on edge constantly, wondering what he is doing. I just don’t get it. I once said to her that she feels this way (jealous rage) because she is doing the exact thing that she could not accept her husband doing. She denied it and even went so far as to say her husband would never do it anyway. So what gives?

Am I just “odd” in my thinking? Or do people really believe that what’s good for the Goose or Gander, is NOT good for the Gander or Goose?

Is it cheating if you don’t get caught?

Someone that knows me well asked me the other day if I would still cheat given my current “happy” relationship IF I could get away with it.

I should say that when I got married before I was naive enough to believe in the sanctity of marriage.  I believed that “love” between two persons could fend off any temptation.  When I was married I never thought of cheating, let alone actually did it.  I avoided situations that might be problematic; I didn’t get emotionally involved with any of my female friends. I had no problem in avoiding an affair because I was completely ignorant of how and why someone would go about having an affair anyways.  Once I found out my wife was cheating and we agreed to have an “open-relationship” my attitude changed.

It was very difficult at first getting into the mind-set of dating while married.  I didn’t have a tremendous amount of experience in dating when I was younger so once I got over my initial apprehension…it was like a dam breaking.  I enjoyed the excitement, freedom, variety, quality and quantity so much it became almost an addiction.
I did settle down with another woman but found that I wasn’t ready to deal with the typical “marital” relationship in the same way that I had embraced it the first time around.  I saw very quickly the same scenario being played out.  Soon after we moved in together she started asking for changes.  We had a rather “fast” lifestyle and while that was great for dating she wanted a stable, quite home life.  I felt for sure that this had been a well-planned out trick to get me to submit to another “boring” relationship and I fought back.
I didn’t want to settle down.  I did BUT while still maintaining a certain level of excitement in my day to day life.  There was no way I was going to let another person dictate to me that a serious relationship had to equate to boredom.

It was easy for me to have an affair.  I deserved it.  Sure my partner could have her settled life as she wished but I was going to ensure that my personal life had some spice.  I simply didn’t want to accept that a marriage had to be boring AND that I should lie down and accept this as being inevitable.
My affair was with a married woman and it was fantastic.  I would have to say that with her was the first time in my adult life that I felt “in love”.  This woman took my breath away…every time I as much as thought of her. “If I was with this woman instead…my life would be exciting”. I was caught in a self-made trap.  I was living with someone that I had no respect for and couldn’t be with one that I adored.

I got caught. I moved out and lived and lived alone for the next two years.  (In retrospect, I should have done that in the first place, but I was used to having steady companionship).  I continued to see the married woman and my “love” for her grew BUT so did the realization that I would never be able to be with her.  She told me that she would not leave her husband.  One day I realized that my “affair” was going nowhere so I told her I would be starting to see other women as I had to eventually find someone compatible to be with where I didn’t have to share her with a husband.  I saw a few women but realistically nobody I met even came close to my affair.  I refused to settle for “second-best” ever again so I just waited.

One day I felt there was sufficient opportunity for me to initiate something with the woman I am with now.  She is one person that I felt shared similar positive attributes with the woman I had an affair with.  I told the “affair” that I had found someone that I had an opportunity to move forward with and that as of that point in time we had to say good-bye.
So now I am with a woman that I love AND have a relationship and lifestyle that I am happy and content with, so why would I even consider being unfaithful?

• Typically I don’t consider it, I don’t think about it.  I maintain very close contact with my current partner so there are no “opportunities”.  I conduct myself appropriately; I don’t gawk, flirt or overtly fantasize about “other opportunities.”

• The problem is that I have tasted it.  I lost my innocence, my virginity when it comes to these things. I know the thrill, the excitement, the emotions, the freedom, the poignancy, the impulsiveness, the infatuation and the lust.  I know how much “fun” an affair can be.

• I love the idea of having an intimate friend that “understands” me.  There are times, even in a great relationship where it would be nice to have a confidant of the same sex.  Our partners don’t always see things unconditionally and sometime having a listening ear can be a positive supplement to a relationship.

• I like the idea of the “naughtiness” of it.  I like the sneaking around.  I like the fact that the sex isn’t planned, it isn’t same-old.  I like the idea of “having” and enjoying something that is totally forbidden.  I am having sex with another man’s wife.  Kinky…no?

• I bear none of the “typical” reasons to stray.  Most are looking outwards for something that it lacking in their current relationship.  I cannot say that I am lacking in anything…at the present time.

• I most likely have some sort of love or romance addiction.  I am an infatuation junkie.  I love the thrill of “falling in love” or realistically the feeling of romantic love.

• I could also become friendly with another woman that shared more of an intellectual synergy with me than does my current partner.  Sometimes affairs are a natural progression of a male/female connection.  They may not be premeditated but common sense suggests that given the right situation and enough time…”things” can happen.

So I am not planning on a deliberate affair at this time and I avoid all temptations.  My relationship is growing in a steady and positive way as well, so there is no “excuses”.  There is just an inner “appreciation” of how and why that I now fully understand and will from now on, have to suppress.