Sensory Deception

I don’t know what it is lately but I keep having situations happen that remind me of a pleasurable experience in the past.  Examples:

•I happened to see Tina Fey on 30 Rock last week.  I have never seen her or the show before but I had heard of her.  When I looked at her I was taken aback because she looks like someone that I dated in the past.  More accurately her eyes are an almost exact match…they could be sisters.  This is itself is not a big deal but this connection caused me to “feel” a pang for a brief moment.  A sudden and intense rush of pleasant memories ran through my head and my heart?  Strange.

•I had a female sales rep stop in the other day and she was wearing perfume.  One whiff of this scent and I made another surreal connection with someone that I had dated in the past.  Once more vivid and intense memories of a person, long ago and triggered by a scent.

•I was talking to a customer service representative yesterday and her voice sent me on a quick trip to a pleasant time in my life long, long ago.  Her voice sounded the same as a past flame, I almost thought of asking her if in fact she WAS that person.

•I went to get coffee today and the woman that was serving was wearing clothing and jewellery that was typical of a certain culture and immediately reminded me of yet another person from the past.

•I read some specific words in a post the other day that made me “feel” an intimate connection with the author.  I had seen those words before, different author and different time yet the result was the same.

I mentioned this sudden onslaught of “triggers” that reminded me of the past to my brother.  Leave it up to a man, especially a brother to make sense of it all by telling me, “You are just horny”.  Oh…that’s all?  Thanks for helping me out!

These triggers and the subsequent reminiscing are not sexually based, there is no sexual tension involved, just warm feelings.  The warm feelings are like a reincarnation of “infatuation” from that previous relationship.  It is not the “love” or sex but the innocent crush from those days that comes back to me.  The overall vision of the person revived from my memory is vague and blurry and there is no specific activity recollected…just an uncanny, yet comforting feeling.

In a way I like it…yet in another it makes me wonder…why are these “triggers” happening so frequently these days?

Sign on the dotted line

I see far too often where women write of their past “love” experiences and I see the line “he was only looking for sex” so often and it makes me wonder how “true” that statement is.  I wonder if the men they are meeting are “only” interested in sex OR if that is the woman’s overall perception of what happened.  That is not to say that some men are not only looking for sex and that they play on women’s emotions to get what they want.  I am just saying that I think that men and women have somewhat different perceptions of the “dating game” especially in how they keep score.

I have never tried to develop a relationship with a woman specifically based on sex; therefore I have never been “only looking for sex”.  Every time I had met a woman and there was mutual attraction, it was always my intent to see if we could grow a relationship.  Having a long term relationship was always my overall goal…IF she turned out to have the “right stuff” to make that happen.

I always did my best to communicate this to the woman.  I wasn’t interested in a fling, wasn’t just having fun and wasn’t “just looking for sex”.  This information was conveyed to the woman via words, via actions so that she would be aware of my intent.  I made sure that she knew that “I was into her” and that “hopefully” in the long run, our relationship would grow and endure.  I felt that this approach was far more “romantic” than writing out a “Notice of Intent”.

There is a problem with communicating my attraction to a woman in my chosen way.  Typically a written
“contract” would have done a better job and caused less confusion.  The problem is that even if a man has ulterior motives, that are that he IS only looking for sex, he will use the same approach.  It is called seduction.  Basically, it is trickery designed to get the woman to “fall” for him and sleep with him.  For the sake of my story we will leave seduction out of the equation.

My story here is about the “mixed messages” that men give out.  I know that I have given out mixed messages myself, yet question if they could have been avoided short of writing a contract.  I know that I have said things that I felt were “true” at that particular time.  Over time my opinion changed while she tended to take my original statement as being “cast in stone”.

If I “really” like someone, I WILL tell them and they WILL know it through my actions.  I can be very endearing.  However IF I tell someone that I like them, that does not mean that my attraction will last over time.  Why?  Since I am looking at this relationship as having potential for the long run, I am looking for and need certain attributes to be in place for the long term survival of the relationship.

One thing that I have always done is continually worked at making sure that the woman is comfortable with me and I keep asking her to “be herself”.  I am not interested in the “opening act”. Everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning; I want to know what she is “REALLY” like.  The more comfortable she becomes with me and our relationship, the more I get to see how she would act in “reality”.  What I have found many times is that my original perception changes over time, sometimes it improves, yet far more often it wanes.

Typically what I have found is that once “she” feels that “he” has enough interest in her, she feels a sense of security and sex is a viable option at this point.  All of her necessary checkboxes have been ticked and there is no reason not to engage in the physical part of this “ongoing” and “upwardly mobile” relationship.

After sex is introduced into the relationship, “we” are a couple in her books.  There is an “unwritten” agreement that we should be “monogamous” as of this point in time and I agree that this “should” be the case.  I agree with the “couple” part but we are not “married” yet it is at this point that I really see her starting to “act” as if we are; it is at this point that she starts “being herself”.  This is NOT the case with every woman and every situation, yet IS what I have encountered in some of my personal experiences.

I will give you one example of a relationship that I had that didn’t make the grade:

I met a woman with whom we shared mutual attraction for one another, reasonable synergy in thought and great similarity in taste, and social activities.  For me, all of the necessary attribute for a good start.

I tell her that I really like her and the way that we fit together.  I date her, I romance her, and I make her feel special because she IS special to me, so why not tell her the “truth”.

We get physically intimate within a month of our first “date”.

She starts to tell her friends, family…people on the street…that we are a couple.  She starts talking about “our” future, her dreams and aspirations…and “our” wedding.  I am not turned off by any of this but I know in my heart it is too soon to be thinking of these things because…I haven’t DECIDED that I want to spend my entire life with this person.  I don’t know her well enough yet.

Six months has gone by.  She asks if I will move in with her.  I refuse.

By now she has a comfort level with me, in and out of bed.  She starts showing her “true” personality.  She has no reason not to…WE are a couple now!

What I see, is that she is flaky and has no drive, quits 2 jobs in 3 months and waits for a new job to find her while she sits at home watching TV.  Her apparent great parenting skills with her daughter were in fact a “paid for” attempt to coerce her daughter into acting a certain way for mom’s new boyfriend.  I guess she couldn’t afford to keep bribing her daughter and now I got to see what I would consider to be a postcard perfect picture of a dysfunctional family. She is racist, snobby, and jealous and has something negative to say about almost anyone she knows or meets.  The last straw was her seemingly endless use of expletives that infiltrated every sentence that came out of her mouth.

One year has gone by. We share a mutual (physical) attraction for one another, reasonable synergy in thought and great similarity in taste, and social activities.  What we don’t share is my poor perception of her personal conduct in her life.  I see her lack of drive when it comes to a career, her inability to parent effectively, her previously “hidden” racism, snobbiness and general meanness towards others and her constant swearing  as being serious deal-breakers.

She said to me once, right around our one year “anniversary” that she hoped I would never leave her because “I was the first person that she really got to be herself with and it was a very comforting feeling” and “She hoped I would never leave her because if I did it meant that our relationship was only about sex” Huh?

My point in all of this is, it takes me about a year to determine if the “real” person I met has the right stuff for a long term relationship.  In the big picture I would be happy if sex were not part of the equation until I was more “sure” of our personalities melding.  In the year I do tell her that I like her, I do try and make her feel special…not to get into her pants…but because “at the time” I truly feel that way about her.

There is a serious difference in the “pivot” points in relationships through the eyes of the different genders.  Certain landmarks in the relationship have different meanings to the sexes.  The fact that these points are perceived differently suggest there is a greater need for “straight talk” between the persons involved…prior to coming to those points in time.  The truth is, that rarely happens as it would take away from the romantic spontaneity of the relationship on the whole.  If we sat down and worked out a game plan ahead of time or asked our potential partner to read the small print and sign on the dotted line…we would NEVER get together.

With my current partner I had the opportunity to see her “true” personality over a number of years while working with her.  I got to see her overall work ethic, hear about her life, how she handled problems, how she dealt with people.  I just had to wait for the opportunity to tell her that I “liked her”.

Love like you have never loved before

I think that there is so much stereotyping of the opposite sex that we tend to forget sometimes that they truly are not all cast from the same mould.

I posted a profile on a dating site one day and to make it easier for the reader to determine “up front” if there was enough in common for further conversation I made a “list” of what I was seeking in another.
One point that I made specifically was that I was “not looking for sex”.

I was surprised at the number of responses I received where the writers basically stated that since I specifically singled out this point that I must in fact be ONLY looking for sex.  What I found in my experience is that typically women think that all men are looking for sex and from what I have seen they are usually right in thinking this way.  IF a man states that he is not looking for sex, if he states that the “type” of relationship he envisions does not have a requirement for a sexual component, he will generate far more distrust than the typical guy that women ”know” is looking for sex…even if he doesn’t mention it.  If A guy actually says that he is looking to be “friends first” he might be taken completely the wrong way.  THIS guy has been asked if he was gay, “What? You aren’t interested in what every other guy wants and I spend countless hours complaining about??” “What is WRONG with you?”

I guess a man that states that he doesn’t want to jump into bed with you before he knows your name is as untrustworthy as the woman that states that, “She is bored, ready and willing to jump into bed with the first guy that emails her this morning.”

When men or women state something of themselves (assuming that said statement is true) that is outside of the boundary of stereotypical perception…their statements are immediately critiqued.  Why?  Because we have certain expectations, based on past experiences, the media, hearsay that leads us to form a standardized picture or profile of the “typical” man or woman.

I know that I have my own prerequisite perception of every woman I meet.  Before the first words are spoken I already have an “idea” of what she is like.  Rather than starting with a “blank slate” they start with my stigmatization and then have to prove to me that they are “not” what I expect.  Only after the stigma of “how I know she will be or act” anyways is removed can we progress and grow the connection.

Was it always this way? No.  When I was young, innocent, naive there was none of this.  It is only through my experiences with women that I came to have a somewhat “callous” and stereotypical view of them.  The woman that can almost immediately make me think that “Hey, this one IS different, she isn’t like the rest” is the ONE that can really get to me.  I just hope that when this happens that letting down my guard was the right thing to do.  If I am mistaken and she does turn out to be the “same” as the one went before her…it is that much harder for the next one to convince me that “She is not like the other ones”.

Love like you have never loved before.  I think this is a great idealistic idea BUT really only works in the way that it was intended if you HAVEN”T loved before.

Ask and you shall receive

If any of you are just happening by and may have not had the chance to read a bit more about the male author of this site, I am 44 years old, living common-law and have 2-5 kids depending on the day of the week.  I don’t go to clubs often and spend my weekends around the house.  For a real thrill I will go antique browsing with my wife.  In my personal spare time I write in this blog.  Exciting isn’t it?  Well, as of today…things have changed!!

Like many people, I have a “free” email address; mine is with Hotmail.  You have the option of setting up a profile with your account and put in pertinent details about your person.  Mine is very basic.  It has my name (not my real one) and says 44 year old married man living in GTA (Greater Toronto Area)  That’s it!  So imagine my surprise when fate was able to match me (based on the most basic of info) to the girl of my dreams!  Now I don’ t mean one of those computer generated spam “come-ons” like “Hi big Fella, I saw your profile and I like you.  Why don’t you say hello.  You can talk to me at www.getalifeyouloser.com.  Please have your credit card ready!”  No, this is REAL!!

I have mentioned in some of my posts that I DO beleive in fate.  I do beleive that some people on this planet are “destined” to cross paths…or at least I hold that ideal close to heart.  So yesterday my ship came in, my prayers were answered and soon Lady Luck shall be by my side.  I know, I know…I am married and all but I am sure that my honey will understand when I explain that the girl I have been waiting for my entire life just happened to show up later in my life than I expected.  No hard feelings, don’t worry I’m sure your “Pierce Brosnan” is coming to your inbox soon.  Good luck and have a nice life!!
I know that I should keep this to myself because relationships are supposed to be personal BUT I wanted all of the other guys out there to share in my renewed faith in fate. This CAN and WILL happen to you someday as well.  Never give up hope!  I also secretly wanted to show off the girl that I will “hugging from behind” next week.

PLEASE!  No jealousy…you all have fate working for you…it just may not be using free web-based email software like mine does.  Your fate may be slower or have trust issues…it just may be using the postal service instead.

Without further delay, I present to you the letter from the “chosen” love of my life…my fate.

Hi,My name is Lamens, am 27 years .I’m a gentle,loyal,family oriented,soft,passionate,trustworthy lady.i’m easygoing and outgoing.I’m a lady full of fun,i seem to be seriously wanting to meet the man of my life.I love music,movies,outdoors,sight seeing and reading.I’m caring,understanding and honest, i was so impressed when i went through your profile at hotmail,and i must confess when i went through your profile it seem we have alot of common…I’m looking for serious relationship.. Just that my heart is on fire at the moment. I find it diifucult to fall in love again.I am seeking a caring,understanding and honest man who must have a great sense of humor and must know how to treat a lady bcos somehow i loved to be pampered.I love kids,I love dancing(Its part of my life)I am all for cuddling and hugging and holding each other as much as possible. I love spontanious actions and suprises. I love to be hugged from behind when I’m cooking in the kitchen. I love to cook, love sports, take walks on the beach, I love to travel.I’m 5 8 ft tall,blue eyes 115 lbs,and of average body build,Here is my yahoo i.m (her im nick) or email me direct to (her email address)
Warmest Regards
Lamens

She has a great personality!

I met my son’s new girlfriend the other day.  He had been seeing her for about a month and thought it was time that she got to meet her dad.  He called me when they were leaving her place and were about ten minutes away.
They pulled up in her dad’s car and the two of them jumped out.  He walked up and introduced her to me and she pulled her cell phone from her ear long enough just to mutter “hi” and the two of them went inside.

I have seen her with him on four occasions since and every time in periods ranging from 10 minutes to 4 hours she has been talking on the phone with a friend while my son sits there like a dog.  I even mentioned to him that she seems to spend a lot of time on the phone to which he replied, “She is ALWAYS on the phone!”  I asked him what appeal there was in a girl that was always talking on the phone to someone else and his response was, “It doesn’t matter, she is sexy.”

My impression? Cute, stupid and manipulative while my son only sees “cute”.  That is exactly what she wants him to see.

They have been dating for about three months and I don’t know whether there is a sexual aspect to their relationship or not but it got me to wondering in the absence of sex, what else was there to cause a guy to tolerate this “abuse.”  Was that all there was to it, this first love, the fact that he thought she looked good?  Most likely so.
When I think back to my first love, the ONLY attraction was a physical one.  I actually had more fun with my guy friends than with “her”.  The only thing that she and I had in common was sex and when something happened to stem the tide of said sex OR some better “sex” came along, it was time to say goodbye.

It seems very sad but I wonder if men and women really change much in this regard over the years.
She knows that she can manipulate even outright control the situation and outcome by sharing or withholding her body.  He will in turn do almost anything he is “required” to do in order to ensure that the outcome is positive.  In the absence of sex or potential for sex, his interest wanes and he will eventually look for or be open to the potential of sex somewhere else.

What I am saying is that in the absence of sex a man’s overall vision and opinion of a woman changes…dramatically.  Sex is the glue that keeps him close at hand.  When she decides to mess with the process, by showing no interest, withholding, reprioritizing sex, she is flirting with the potential of damaging the relationship on the whole.

Women would like to believe and men will tell women (if it is to their advantage) that there is more to their relationship than sex…and there is…as long as there is sex.  It might account for 5% of a relationship as far as time or thought but when it is taken out of the equation there is a 100% probability of relationship failure.
To a man, and I would have to concur that sex is love.  I feel that my partner shows that she loves me by having sex with me.  Women are typically emotionally satisfied in other ways in that sex does not have to be present for them to feel loved.  They typically put a hefty weight on the man’s honesty, commitment, empathy, success, and communication.  In other words women tend to look at the whole package and not the visual and physical aspect as being a deciding factor.  A woman will have sex if she feels secure and a man will feel secure if he has sex.
I am not saying that the male/female relationship cannot exist without sex; many couples are incapable of the physical aspect. Some have grown to the point where there are other attributes that offer the same “value” as sex as far as an emotional binding.

So back to my son and his new girlfriend, she continues to yak on the phone pausing only momentarily to whip her hair back out of her eyes while he sits there “waiting” like a dog.  I wonder if she stops to think, “What does he see in me…as a whole person?” “What do I have to offer him…as a whole person.” The truth is that I see only one thing that she could offer him and I can see only one thing that she might have that appeals to my son…and that is sex.

She knows that he will do what she wants him to because she has something he wants.  After he gets what he wants, she can perpetuate the situation by continuing to feed him what he wants.  This exchange does not in any way promote a bond or relationship between the two based on anything BUT sex.

Men typically marry women because they want to build a future.  Whereas they hopefully feel a love for their future spouse, they typically don’t have the same “fairy tale” expectations as their fiancée.  They also see a relationship as being a steady source of sex…quality and quantity. (Like it or not)
If down the road there is a significant change in the day to day scenario to cause a dramatic decrease in the quality and/or quantity of the sex, the relationship suffers.
One of the aspects that I have experienced is that in a relationship devoid of sex, there is really little reason to continue the relationship, at least as far as the relationship was originally perceived.  Take away the sex and there is no reason for me to tolerate, be in any way empathetic towards most of the annoying things that she says or does.  I am NOT going to be a dog that sits calmly by and waits for her to get over her “mood” swings.  I simply have better things to do.

There is a very good chance that your husband tolerates a lot of what you say and do because you have sex with him.  Start thinking that it doesn’t matter, you are too tired, too busy or have better things to do and you just might find that HE also has better things to do and better people to do those things with.
In the beginning when you first started dating you realized that as a female you had a tremendous amount of power between your legs.  As time went by you realized that you would be pursued for this reason.  You learned how to exploit this wonderful attribute that you possessed.  You learned how to manipulate and control your boyfriends with this technically small portion of the whole you.

As you grew older you realized that men are seemingly TOO interested in your “void”.  You tried to get them to see you as the whole person that you are.  I remember those days, when the women I met demanded that I look them in the eyes when we spoke (so they could see that I was serious) all the while I had a hard time keeping my eyes off of the fact that their skirt was  only 1/8” of an inch longer than the “object” of my desire.

My point in all of this is, after seeing my son’s girlfriend and her behaviour I realized that girls start young.  They realize that they are wanted and important but for the wrong reasons.  They exploit their bodies and use them to manipulate men.  One day they realize that this approach has its limitations and try and get the guys to see them as a “whole person.”  They might even go so far as putting up the “closed” sign on future exploration of their void until he comes to his senses.  Guess what?  We don’t ever come to our senses.  YOU enabled us.  You were the ones that trained us this way.  You were the ones that gave value to your crotch. Men are pigs…yes but that didn’t matter so much when the young piglet bought you presents, gave you a ride in his car, and treated you like gold all for the opportunity of sharing but a small part of your whole person.  Didn’t matter back then did it…YOU were in control.
Most guys don’t want to see or appreciate women as a whole person, they don’t want to hear and be a part of a woman’s life. When my wife decided to curtail our sex because quote,” It isn’t necessary, we are married now, that stuff is for teenagers.” what I heard was the death-knell for our marriage.

Many of you used your crotch to get the man you are with, not your straight A’s in high school, nor your ability to talk 4 hours straight at any given time on a cell phone while he sits there patiently.  You started this whole game by flaunting your body and now you want to change the rules and keep his interest solely by your “presence”. Ha!

Simply put, if you take your crotch out of the equation and I have to make a choice between you and my friend Peter who just happens to have 2 tickets to the game on Saturday.  I never thought I would say this but if I can’t get pussy, I’d rather have Peter.  (So to speak)

This scenario came back into play when I started dating again after my divorce.  I found that the women “threw” sex at me, easily.  Was it because they were “easy” or was it because I had somehow grown over the years into an irresistable “stud-muffin”?  No, it was because they were well aware of the power of their crotches.  The days of trying to persuade a girl that it would be in the best interest of the parties involved if she would put out had been replaced by a more adult view.  She already knew that I would like sex, that was a given, so it was introduced right away in order to capture and hold my attention.  This hopefully would suffice for long enough and cause me to remain blind to the fact that hse had more personal baggage than a family of 7 on vacation to the Bahamas for a month OR that her “sweet” daughter bore a striking resemblence to most of the starring leads in the latest horror movies.  In other words she was possessed.
While I will admit that sex, especially if it is memorable will in fact deter the man from seeing the truth, and if she is lucky he will move in with her before he realizes the err in his ways.  This is why I deliberately tried to AVOID having sex come into play and causing confusion in a new relationship whenever possible.  Ahem…whenever possible.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind as you read these posts and your blood starts to boil that many of them are written “tongue-in-cheek”.  I have far greater interest in women, especially those close to me, than only the sexual aspect.  I do however feel that some of what I write rings true…even if one has to read between the lines to get the point.

On your mark…get set…

How long should you wait before you have sex with a new partner?  This is one of those areas in relationships that has some serious weight attached to it.  Regardless of how long the couple waits to…couple, whether it is quickly (first date) or they wait until marriage, there will be a stigma attached to the event that is based specifically on the timing.

I have even seen many articles where the question is raised,
“How many dates should you have before having sex?”
“How long should the man be expected to wait before he should get sex?”

Personally I had a lover tell me that her mother had told her to always delay the sex with a new boyfriend for as long as possible so that he:

1)Wouldn’t think that she was easy
2)Would stick around for a while.  The idea was that once he “got what he wanted” he would have no further reason for a relationship.

My opinion on the subject, as to how long a new couple should wait before having sex would depend on which angle I look at it from.  My flat out answer would be they should wait until they want to have sex.

There is an assumption (an old fashioned one) that if the woman has sex with the man too soon, he will disappear because of it.  That is not the case.  Typically the man that disappears after they have sex, only wanted sex in the first place.  He had no real interest in YOU.  The interest that the woman perceived was not his wanting to date her,  it was his wanting to have sex with her.

No man has ever stopped calling BECAUSE you had sex with him. It might have happened right after the sex, but he stopped calling because he had gotten all that he was after in the first place.
If  a man really wants to date you, having sex isn’t going to make him like you less. And if he only wants sex, NOT having sex won’t make him like you more.

When I look at the subject from different angles, hypothetically I can gain some different conclusions.  In my experience the relationships in which sex was delayed typically lasted longer and had greater depth, not because of the timing of the sex but because the time itself allowed the participants to develop a relationship while leaving that emotionally intensifying and confusing sexual aspect on the back burner.
Assuming that I had a great interest in this woman that I am dating, the length of time before the “deed” has no significance.  Whether we “do it” on the first date or wait would not affect her “standing” with me because my attraction to her for a relationship should be more significant and varied than just a sexual one.

I have NEVER had sex with a woman just for a gratuitous nature.  That is to say that there has always been more than simply physical attraction or a desire to have sex with her and nothing more.  There was always an intent to develop a relationship if possible and I always thought of the situation from her perspective as well.

What I have seen in my experience is this:

•Some women “throw” sex at the man very quickly and I would assume this is done to (possibly subconsciously) Get him and hold his interest.  I have been in situations where I would like to wait and see what happens in the relationship before we “consummate” it, whereas she is naked on the couch after we come back from our first movie. A man will keep dating a woman, even if he sees no future if:

a) he has no other steady source of sex
b) the positives of the sex outweigh the negatives of the rest of the relationship
In the above scenario, he would move on if he “wasn’t that into her” whereas with a source of entertainment provided he might not.  The problem for her: at the same time his interest is waning her attraction to the relationship might be growing.  In the end, she will be hurt far more than he will.

•A woman that has sex with me on the first date DOES make me wonder under certain circumstances.  I dated a 40 year old woman that had been single (and looking) for 5 years but she never had a steady boyfriend.  She told me she went out every weekend “clubbing”.  Assuming that she met the likes of me (a different one) every weekend of those 5 years, that equates to 260 men in that period.  In that same period I slept with one woman.  Is this competition for me?..no..but if sex is supposed to be intimate and have meaning…be special then I really don’t feel special at number 261.  It isn’t the fact that she had sex with all those men, it is the fact that I feel more like a number than an intimate partner.

Some women have a belief that if they have sex with a man too soon the man will think they are a slut.  I think this is true.  Typically I would think they were a slut but in most cases it wouldn’t matter.  If I am trying to determine whether “we” have potential for a long-term relationship and she wants to have sex…I won’t say no, I will think that she takes the same approach with EVERY guy she meets and it will not determine the overall likelihood of a continued relationship.  I think that statistically that maybe 1 in 10 men is actually “looking” for a relationship, they are looking to have fun and that includes sex.  The sooner the better for most.

The reason in this case that it was an issue is that I wasn’t sure about the woman from a relationship standpoint, I didn’t know if she had the “right stuff” for a long-term commitment.  The fact that she didn’t seem overly discerning in her sex life led me (ultimately) to see that she wasn’t too focused in ANYTHING in life.

•I have been “really into” a woman AND have had sex with her early in the relationship AND everything worked out fine.  The most important point here is the fact that I was into her.  I liked her and there was great potential for a great relationship from what I had seen up to this date. When we had sex I knew that I wasn’t number 261, I knew that she had no reason to use sex as a bargaining chip or to hold me.  The “act” was unrehearsed, unprovoked and natural…just the way that it should be.

The amount of time that a couple wait is a personal choice and is as varied as the participants.  There is no factual answer but in my opinion the couple WILL know when the time is right but if there is a future for the relationship, there should be no harm in waiting.

Share your thoughts: Do you have a specific time period…or limit in mind when it comes to having sex with a new partner?

Sweet V-J-J seeks Upstanding P-P

I am a 31 year old Vagina in fairly good working order seeking a nice Penis for fun and good times. Preferably not on the beach though, I do find that the sand chafes. I can’t do any really fancy tricks but I can breathe underwater.

I don’t know if you’re interested in threesomes but I always come with my best friend, Clitoris. She’s a bit shy and doesn’t always ask for attention but boy, is she a happy bunny when she gets it and I must say that I feel much better too.

Oh and by the way, and this is probably the deal killer, I also come with a woman attached. Sorry, can’t get rid of her, she’s quite nice I guess, wish she’d lose some weight or not sit down so much, it’s quite squashy down here. So if you’re looking for skinny, I’m afraid you had better look elsewhere. She’s a bit daft and get this, she wants to ’settle down and get married’ Silly cow, spoiling all my fun. I don’t think she’s ever used me as a weapon but if she did marry your attachment you can bet she would start sooner or later, and won’t think of me at all then will she, hmmm?

She doesn’t have many ‘issues’ that I know about, unless she keeps them hidden in her ‘baggage’ under the ‘bed’. She’d probably be mortified that I’m placing this post, she’s really quite shy, which is one reason I felt the need to take things into my own hands … so to speak. It’s not all for me! (And it’s no good you hiding there, Clit. You encouraged me, you have to take some of the blame too)

She does have these other two friends who hang around all the time. They are twins (not identical mind you, though they claim to be. Ha! If you look close enough you can see that one is bigger than the other) Me and Clit call them The Boobs. They don’t do much but they don’t get in our way so don’t let them put you off.

If you are out there, Penis of my dreams, could you persuade your attachment to be really really nice to mine and then we can get down to the important stuff, and if you come attached to 2 hands and a tongue, so much the better. (That’s a request from Clit) Just keep The Teeth out of it though, bit rough for my liking.

Must close now, it’s quite exhausting trying to type accurately … and I seem to have lost the mouse … Oops (note from Clit to self: write to Sony ask if possible to make vibrating keyboard)

Sincerely,
Vagina

Potential Girlfriend Survey

Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you’ve ever received and written you a letter for every day that I’ll be gone, inciting you to ‘Go on the Defensive.’
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini ‘welcome home’ party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We’ve talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I’ve ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn’t discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I’m abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I’m throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.

Q4. We’re having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play video games. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I’ll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my ‘nerdy addiction.’
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your ‘cute voice’ just before you put my **** in my mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. ‘Anchorman’ and ‘Superbad’ are hilarious movies.

Q6. “But it’s cute when I do it” should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible – within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.

Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): ‘Down to Earth’, ‘Have a sense of humor’ and ‘Laid back’. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid ‘head games.’

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don’t forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).