Not looking to change my situation…or yours

The following was a profile posted on a popular free dating site. The writer is a 35 year old married woman. I decided to “dissect” what she had written and offer my insight as to what I “see” and what I think when I read these lines. I decided to take this one because it is typical of the profiles I have read from “married but looking” women and typically the kind of profile I would write to because I feel that I “understand” where she is coming from. It should also be noted that regardless of how much synergy in thought, ideals that I could gather from a profile like hers, even though it appeared that we were on the same page as far as what we were seeking…I NEVER got the chance to see in “real life” if we had “something” as these same women NEVER seemed interested in pursuing any conversation past the point of knowing that they “had my attention”.

First off, I have an interest in this profile because at face value this is the “type” of woman that I would most likely be looking for given that I am married. I can understand one’s desire to look outside of where they are at in order to broaden their horizons, regardless of on what level they decide to “expand” said horizons.

Her profile:

I am married, however looking to escape the real world with the right person when time allows us. I only want to share this adventure with only one person and wanting ongoing. I am looking for someone who I able to connect with on all levels such as friendship, communication, physical, and chemistry. Looking for someone who I can share my thoughts and feelings with as well as them being comfortable enough, to share theirs with me as well. …..not looking for a “booty call” however, I do crave the intimacy of a “sexual relationship” as much if not more than anyone else, when and if all the other areas between us have been established. Wanting to share time with the right person without it getting complicated. I am not looking to leave my current living situation, or anyone to leave theirs. Just looking to spend quality time with my partner, and appreciate each other for what we have to offer. Share a true affair together!!! I am an easy going person who enjoys good conversations and a good laugh. I am respectful, honest, trustworthy, discreet, and personable, which are important qualities for the person I choose to have also. If this could be you drop me a line and we will go from there……

I am married, however looking to escape the real world with the right person when time allows us.
I am impressed by the fact that she refers to her day-to-day life as being the “real” world. Her “real” world is a given constant; it is easier, more palatable to “escape” that world than it is to change it. When the time allows us suggests that she has the intention to keep her priorities straight, family first…her own “fun” second.

I only want to share this adventure with only one person and wanting ongoing.
She is qualifying that she doesn’t want to go out and have a series of meaningless, no-strings-attached encounters and when she does meet the right person she would like to keep their relationship ongoing as opposed to being just a fling. I as well would be interested in this scenario in that I would enjoy having “one” person to share my life story with. Typically the persons involved in these “affairs” are lacking some level of intimacy with their partner. Having “one” partner on the side is far more likely to give them a sense of intimacy than 10 on the side and if by chance one can find this elusive person…I am sure that they would want to keep them…ongoing.

I am looking for someone who I able to connect with on all levels such as friendship, communication, physical, and chemistry.
She is looking for the “whole” deal. She wants in the relationship with a lover all of the typical attributes one would look for in a typical relationship. This is extremely difficult to find when you are in an unavailable situation, such as a marriage. In order for some of the components listed to work effectively there has to be an emotional connection, some “degree” of love possibly and those emotions typically cause a great amount of turmoil when they can’t be completely satisfied. It CAN be done, and if she can find and handle the “whole” deal yet keep that portion of her life separate and distinct from her “real” one…I would love to meet her. Unfortunately, most cannot. They let emotion (chemistry) lead them to believe that their new “friendship” is better than what they have at home and think about life-altering changes…which in the long-run will most likely fail. Asking for an affair complete with every aspect of a committed relationship without commitment AND while in a situation(marriage) that blocks a future where the two can be one is like asking to walk into an inferno and not get burnt.

Looking for someone who I can share my thoughts and feelings with as well as them being comfortable enough, to share theirs with me as well.
This is most likely the basis for her “looking” in the first place. She doesn’t feel safe enough; she doesn’t trust her partner enough to share her “truth” with him. She most likely tried, May even continue to try but he seems like he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to listen or doesn’t understand. Funny enough, my co-author knows more about my “truth”, who I am, how I think and feel more than my wife. Why, because she has no vested interest in me, she has no need to personalize the information I share with her, then take it and see how it might be used to better (read change) me. She has no need to remind me that I said “this or that” at one time. She has no need to feel jealous or hurt by what I say because she has no need to take it personally. I do find that sharing your “truth” with a stranger is often easier than sharing it with your spouse, if you develop a relationship with that stranger it would be wise to try and keep your emotional response to what they think and feel out of the picture so they can continue to “be themselves” with you…as that will in most cases be one of the main reasons that they sought you out in the first place.

Not looking for a “booty call” however, I do crave the intimacy of a “sexual relationship” as much if not more than anyone else, when and if all the other areas between us have been established.
Most women like sex and are open to having a physical aspect to their relationship (even the one “on the side”) but they aren’t up to “doing it” with anyone. It goes back to the fact that this woman is looking for intimacy with her “yet-to-be-found” friend that she is not feeling with her partner. That connection, that intimacy is a depth of connection that is greater than all of the “other areas” that she would like to establish. Most men think of a physical connection when they hear the word intimate; I feel that women think of a mental and emotional connection when they hear the same word. Sex is a celebration of that intimacy and can intensify the connection between the two people. Sex on its own cannot intensify anything…if nothing (no other areas) exists between the two.

Wanting to share time with the right person without it getting complicated
This sounds more like a wish than a specific item on her checklist. While it is possible to carry on a relationship such as the one she envisions, it requires a tremendous level of maturity, commitment, tolerance a serious desire for success and an unusual control of one’s emotions, in some cases pushing the limits of the participant’s instinctive human nature. It DOES get complicated, it is how the people involved handle the complexities that will make or break their relationship in the long run.

I am not looking to leave my current living situation, or anyone to leave theirs.
Everyone has their own reasons for “looking outside”, equally their own reasons for staying in their current relationship. It is a common statement, “Not looking to change my situation or yours” but that is typically a cliché rather than being something that makes any real sense when it is written. Of course neither is typically “looking” to change their situation BUT an affair WILL change one’s perception of everything around them…including their “situation” at home. Everyone seems to say they don’t want to change where they stand at the moment; they only want to reach out and hold hands. If they further decide to hug or make love do they not require moving from the spot that they stand in order to accomplish the required logistics? My point is that the closer the lovers become the more difficult it is to maintain the “real-life” situation. It should be said, “I am well aware that what we are thinking of will cause us to change, it will cause us to look at our situation in a different light BUT I am ready and willing to accept and deal with that in a mature, structured manner”.

Just looking to spend quality time with my partner, and appreciate each other for what we have to offer.
Appreciating another for what they have to offer does not necessarily require a full-blown affair. What she hopes the other will have to offer is intimacy, as that is the one thing that “associates” don’t delve into on the level that “one” “special” “friend/lover” will. What the tow participants in this scenario have to offer one another is trust in the other that they are and will remain conscious of the fact that what they are doing is “wrong”, must at all cost always remain private and has a finite limit as to how far it can ever progress. If one of the two finds him/herself hopelessly in love with the other…the operative word will be hopeless…not love.

I am respectful, honest, trustworthy, discreet, and personable, which are important qualities for the person I choose to have also.
This is my favourite line. “We” all say this in our profiles because we like to think that we have those qualities AND we sincerely hope that our new “friend” will also possess them. Honest and trustworthy to her new friend, not so much with hubby, he falls under discreet, in that he should never know that his wife is being honest and trustworthy with another man.I am not judging her or her choices…I have been there, I am stating that it sounds ridiculous.

Personable? Surely sounds like it… me too! Like I said, as much as the wording in this profile appeals to me, I never seemed to be able to create enough of an initial impression to pique her (or the countless others with similar goals) interest. C’est la Vie!

Let’s talk about you

Me?
Enough about me.
It’s always me, me, me….
Let’s talk about you for a change…

1. You are married or in a serious relationship.
This would give us something in common right away. The “in a relationship” person has different priorities and holds a different mindset than the “single and looking” individual.
Note: A pet peeve of mine is singles that list their status as “prefer not to say” and then chastise the married men that contact them.
How are we supposed to know?

2. You are relatively happy with your present relationship.
You are not looking for a new one, nor are you looking for some fantasy knight to “take you away from all this”. You are a real person that understands that relationships are not always 100% and you have matured enough as a person to accept this fact.
Note: To those that are not looking to change their situation, you did as soon as you came on this site…mark my words.

3. You understand that one person cannot be everything to us…all of the time.
You see having a like-minded friend with whom sharing your dreams, frustrations and daily ups and downs…without the typical bias your partner offers…to be endearing.

4. You are not specifically looking for an intimate encounter.
I don’t get the “seeking intimate encounters” that want to be pampered by a tall, dark and handsome gentleman. If you are seeking NSA sex that’s fine, but if you want to be wined, dined and laid in a 5 star hotel…you cost about 4 bills more than a good hooker. If you don’t want any chemistry with your physics, try some economics. Do the math!

5. You are not one to accuse others of acting in a certain way while you twist the rules to suit you every step of the way.
I am surprised at the women that are always complaining about the way men act on here, yet in a lot of cases their online demeanor deserves nothing more.

6. Love me or hate me.
Please allow at least 48 hours in between to allow me to adjust accordingly.

7. You are not seeking only “parts” of another to fill in gaps, wax over dull spots, ignite sparks or instill passion in your life.
If we are only interested in one another for the parts that are missing in our lives…guess what I want? Can you dress up like a nurse for me?
I want to know the whole of you…separate, private, intimate, committed, discreet yet concurrent.
I wish to find a good friend that doesn’t get disappointed when she finds out that I am a real live person, not an online fantasy.

8. You have reasonable control of your emotions.
This is not the place to be neurotic, save that for your husband. Remember you are not happy at home because he doesn’t seem to care…hence you need to look like you are deserving of something more on here.

9. You do not use medical terminology to describe another’s attitude unless you are sure.
The other day someone accused me of being bipolar.
Regardless if I am up or down I have never thought about having sex with a man in an igloo.
Therefore I am not bipolar.

10. You are a person that might appreciate the following philosophies:
Intimacy does not have to mean sexual contact.
Unconditional love does not follow typical parameters.
Romance is role-playing not magic.

11. You are open-minded as to what could happen in this unorthodox relationship.
We can ultimately have a more “spiritually” satisfying relationship than our respective marriages. If the overall circumstances allow, we could end up sharing a loving emotional bond.

12. You respect that the only line that can never be crossed is:
Making “our” relationship the only one, thinking it will be better than the one we have now. It won’t.
We can get along much better without ever letting the typical parameters of a relationship ruin a wonderful situation that allows us to be our true selves.

13. You can spell and form complete, somewhat grammatically correct sentences.
You have a “thing” for buff guys in uniform…I have a “thing” for chicks that are well-endowed in their command of the English language.
Note: If your first language is Klingon I will make concessions but if you grew up in Tranta…what is your excuse?

14. You don’t make sex an issue when it isn’t.
Some women act like their greatest asset is between their legs and while that may be, some men, myself included, want to “see” what is between your ears first! Many state they don’t want any players or guys just looking for sex. Your wish has come true, you found one, now take your **** out of the equation and show me what else you have on the ball. That is difficult for some isn’t it?

I have been having a difficult time in explaining my frustration with this site in with suitable wording…until now.
I find that many of the women on here treat conversation as if the man is in a position of desperation.
“Just wait in line little boy and I will get around to you.”

I am only interested in conversing with a serious individual that does not base her level of interest on how far the man is willing to chase her.
Most state that they don’t want games…then why not show that you are focused by not playing them.

Maybe a lot of the men on here are desperate; on the contrary I would love to get to know someone…but have no specific “need”.

Do you leave the lights on when you bare your truth?

Answers to the questions you thought of but didn’t have time to ask me:

I used to spend a lot of time on a particular dating site called Plentyoffish.  This is a free dating site run by one egotistical man that is more interested in his rankings than he is in bringing people together.  That being said, when I was on there I did meet some interesting individuals. Many of them asked the same questions so I posted the answers at the bottom of my profile rather than take the time to answer the same every single time.

1. Where did my roses go?
(The site had two roses every 30 days that you could send off to someone that you felt deserving)
When fishing one does not assign his lure to a specific fish, the same applies here. I tossed them out randomly in the hope that I might catch something. What happened? I am down two roses.

2. What am I looking for on this site?
Like most of you I am wasting time. Secretly I hope to find an incredibly good-looking, kinky, wanton woman that has tired of her wild ways and wants nothing more than intelligent conversation.

3. How do I find the site and how has my luck been?
A disproportionate number of the women that I have come across are stuck-up, snooty women who think they are God’s gift to men. With the tons of e-mail they get from hopeful suitors, they acquire both swelled heads and a wildly unrealistic opinion of their market value in the dating world. (YES, that WAS a rant.)

4. Do I think I will ever find what I want on here?
No…the task at hand is similar to looking for a leather-bound classic in a store full of paperback romance novels…but am open to someone proving me wrong. Someone once told me that dating is a time-consuming process of elimination…isn’t that the same as constipation?

5. What is my favourite position?
The Cross Border. Me on the bottom and her on top while my wife is in Arkansas.

6. I viewed your profile but didn’t say hello…why?
Chances are there was something in your profile that made me believe we wouldn’t be compatible. Maybe you were too young, too good looking, too funny, too intelligent or even worse you claimed to be an independant woman with her own thoughts. It wouldn’t work…I am terribly sorry!

Looking for a leather bound classic

“Looking for a leather-bound classic in a store full of paperback romance novels”

I would describe myself as:

A well-rounded, balanced and easily likable person. Easy going and down-to-earth.
Not necessarily the life of the party…more likely the host.
One that does not ask obtrusive questions, a great listener.
Not loud, obnoxious, overbearing, controlling, embarrassing or egotistical.
Intelligent yet uneducated.
Having a quick and quirky sense of humour, even being silly at times with a passion for making others happy.

I would not consider myself to be overly introverted or extroverted but lie comfortably somewhere in the middle. Personal growth is still desired and necessary but I am comfortable and sure of who I am.

Enjoying life comes first and my financial wealth and long-term goals are secondary. I am not suggesting I am carefree and aloof, but my journeys are equally if not more satisfying than the final destinations. I feel some work too hard at achieving a specific goal and don’t take the time to truly experience life in the process.

I learn how to be a better person by being self-critical and then working on the less desirable traits I possess. I am not however obsessed in this regard and want to actually live life and enjoy what it has to offer.

I strive to be open in communication. While sometimes it may be difficult for me to be totally open, I strive to improve more every day. For the most part I can be open about how I am feeling so things that bother me don’t weigh me down.

I don’t live my life in fear of other’s judgments because I live for myself, not for what others think. Love me or hate me, but please allow 48 hours in between for me to adjust.

A good friendship or relationship can bring a greater depth of happiness than material possessions.
I love the depth that a relationship entails, I feel that a relationship is important to my inner growth and I learn and grow from every relationship, even the negative ones.

I am attracted to people who can match my positive attitude and passion, those that are creative, sensual and possess a romantic vision of life. I appreciate those persons that can envision how they, how we, fit into the big picture.
Assets that I find attractive in another are intelligence, self-confidence, a warm smile and a light-hearted disposition.

When looking for a friend I seek those that I can communicate with on an intimate level without the stereotypical parameters of a conventional relationship. I can connect well with one that really wants share what she is thinking and feeling. I appreciate like-minded individuals that are able to “let down their guard” and feel comfortable being their “true” selves in conversation.
I am not into endless banter without any substance.

I am not on here specifically seeking another, rather observing the various connections being formed between the participants in the “game”.  Your marital status holds no significance in this case, nor should mine. I am but a listening ear, a guy you can freely bounce ideas off of and he won’t hit on you in return.

This is your first impression so make yourself shine!

How an individual carries themselves in written thought illustrates a lot about their character. If internet-dating is your chosen way of meeting people, then why not put some effort into what you are doing?  I am amazed at the number of people that approach the opportunities this medium offers with the same enthusiasm as watching the Simpsons.

I find that many on here will state they are looking for a connection that is based on honesty, respect and yes even “love”.
(Yes, even if we are married…isn’t that ironic??)
They are seeking “one” specific individual with whom they can form a meaningful connection, one with “depth”, yet their actions leading to that possible connection are typically shallow and confusing at best.

It seems to me that we are a society where glitter, glory and the flashy packaging are really what catches our eye and we so quickly cast aside our stated desire for “depth” to possess “the look”.

There is an expectation that “Prince Charming” will present himself wrapped in fancy paper with a big gold bow on top complete with a tag addressed specifically to them.
Their “wants” overshadow their “needs” in most cases.

What if their soul mate, the one that truly possesses the attributes they so desire, the same ones they state they “need” shows up wrapped in yesterday’s newspaper?  In most cases they would be tossed aside without a second thought.

These days I find myself reading the paper more often…

Abstruse proposal

The most intriguing fish in the pond is the married woman. I ask myself what it is that she is actually looking for.
If it a married man there is the assumption, and sometimes their profile will be open enough to say, that they are looking for sex.
The married woman on the other hand is not usually so forthcoming with her desires or intent. There are a few that say that they are looking for a mind-blowing sexual encounter but these are rare and in my experience they are more interested in the attention that they receive by what they have written as opposed to having any serious thoughts about it.

My assumption is, and would appreciate any input to the contrary, that the married woman is seeking what she is missing from her present relationship. She is looking for an escape from the life that she is leading. She may have a partner that doesn’t listen, one that takes her for granted, one that is controlling or abusive or she might be so lucky to have a partner that loves her dearly but she finds her life to be excruciatingly dull. Whatever the reason she finds herself being drawn outside of her present relationship to see what is out there.

What she finds is a stable of men willing to assist her with her. While the attention may be pleasant at first, having men making her the centre of attention, in the long run it may be realized that this approach is very superficial. If the attention givers are not suitably rewarded for their endeavors they fade away.
It is the assumption of many of these men that a woman that is disillusioned with her relationship is missing something. They assume that what is missing is sex and they are willing to step up and assist the damsel in distress. While their assumption may be true, it is in most cases a lack of intimacy on the whole.
The emotional integrity of her relationship has been compromised and with it the intimacy that once existed.

I hear women say all the time that they have no reason to look for sex; they can get it any time. If a married woman was just looking for sex, then why would one spend so much time on-line looking for something that might be as close as the guy that lives next door?
The reason as I see it is that there is a greater desire under the surface and that is to find a man that is interested in her as a person. One that has a desire to listen, one that has no reason to take her for granted, no reason to try and control her and because they do not have the makings of a traditional relationship, it is less apt to get boring.

While some men can form an entire relationship on the physical aspects, women tend to relate on a more emotional level first. If there is an emotional connection, then they are more apt to get involved on a physical level.

There is not a great difference between a single or married woman in what she is seeking. The single woman is looking for someone that she can form a relationship with. The married woman is seeking to form a relationship with someone.
The only difference is that the single woman has the ability to make a commitment on paper and the married woman already has made this commitment to someone else.
Typically I find that the single women that I have met have a preconceived notion as to what they want and are very, very possessive. I have had so many read into conversations that I may have had with them something more than I have actually stated. Within a short period of time they want to know everything I’m doing, where I’m going, why I’m going…and the list goes on. In a nutshell, they take a considerable amount of time to converse with. The conversation goes from depth of learning about a person to what comes across to me as a desire to subtly control me.
I do not want to be controlled. I don’t even want to think that someone may be trying to do that. I set my own personal parameters; they are most assuredly not being set by someone that I have met on-line and never in person.

Standard introduction

Good Morning!

I know in a proper introduction I should tell you how much your profile impressed and intrigued me and that even though I don’t know you at all I “feel” something…
If you respond to this carefully thought out and worded introduction designed to make you weak in the knees, I shall promptly ask you for a picture.  You see, I can tell if that “feeling” I got was real depending on the amount of visible skin in your picture. (I bet you didn’t know that was possible did you?)

Assuming your picture is to my satisfaction I shall promptly commence the deep intellectual conversation you so crave. You know the drill…this is the part where I ask you to explain your sexual fantasies in detail, while keeping up my half of the conversation by asking questions like “Have you ever…?”

Now that you are completely awestruck by the fact that I am everything that you have been looking for…I shall ask that we meet to consummate our new found “connection”.  Please note that we must get from initial response to the consummation within 24 hours.  If you don’t feel the same electricity and passion that I do…then I am afraid it just won’t work.

~or~

You could just say hello.  We could see if we have anything in common, indulge ourselves in intelligent conversation, possibly form a friendship and leave the future to come what may.

~smile~

Seeking an online friend

I am a Caucasian male, married, 43 years old with children seeking a female friend for an email friend. I would like this friendship to evolve into long term platonic relationship.

I have been on here several times before but still have not found what I am seeking, so here I am again.

I am seeking a female friend who would feel comfortable in developing an intellectual and emotional connection. It is desire to have a friendship where we are comfortable enough with one another to share our feelings, passions and emotional intimacy. Someone to just enjoy being with and laughing and loving life.
Marital status: does not matter. I don’t care if you are married, divorced, single, separated or whatever. All I care about is that you are open and honest with me and you feel comfortable in a platonic relationship with a married man. It’s really about you.
Hopefully you know what you want and have made up you mind that this is the kind of relationship that you seek and desire.
I am sincerely seeking a female friend who is emotionally confident about herself .
Age: Not important. Looking for a woman who is confident in herself regardless of age.
Race: Does not matter. Women of all races are beautiful. What is important is what I feel in your heart when we meet and spend time together.
Height/weight: Not seeking the model type. However, I do have an attraction for women who are height and weight proportional to my height and weight.
Personality: Someone who is fun to be with, talkative, not afraid to express inner feelings, enjoys life to the max. NO EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE OR DRAMA.
As I said before, if you are presently in a relationship or had a relationship before, that does not matter to me.
When we meet, all that matters is that we enjoy each other’s company , friendship, and emotional intimacy.
My picture: I do have a picture of myself that I will email it to you if you are sincerely interested in me. I don’t expect your picture in return.
However, I do expect that you would explain what you look like(i.e. height and weight) as a courtesy.
A pleasant day to all and thanks for taking time to read this lengthy ad.

Signposts

I feel that some people are but a signpost in our lives. They direct us onto a different path, a new direction. They take us to new and unexplored places, sometimes with little effect and other times can alter our original path indefinitely.

Regardless of the change in direction this chance meeting produces, the signpost remains behind; only a marker…a focal point that marks a definite change in our being.

Still others we walk the path with and these people remain with us longer. They grow with us, share with you. They are part of us, part of our person.

What if you had someone in your life that could magically be with you in some way regardless of the various signposts and paths that you may encounter?
A shadow of sorts.
A mirror.
A person that you could be so intimately connected with it could mimic your inner conversations with yourself.
Could it last?

Intelligent, down-to-earth gentleman seeks personable and intelligent woman for ongoing intimate friendship. This can be whatever we want it to be…whether you are looking for a friend or a lover…or perhaps more. I am not looking for a one night stand….but want to share secrets and adventure with a woman of substance on a permanent basis.

I have a reasonably happy, content, secure life and have absolutely no intentions of changing my current situation. You should feel the same.

I am a professional, discreet, articulate man who happens to be attached but finds great comfort in having a friend outside of an ongoing committed relationship. I am looking to possibly meet a single or attached woman under similar circumstances; someone that is seeking more of a romantic connection than a physical one, but with an element of lust.

If you’re looking for something more than just the physical aspect that you are continually being propositioned for…drop me a line and tell me your story.