“You’re not my type!”

In my experience, one of the most depressing aspects to internet dating was the rejection.  In “real life” as in life outside of the internet we tend to accept and reject people by their appearances almost unconsciously.  I say, “Hello, may I buy you a drink.” She looks at me, makes a mental decision and says, no.”  I actually prefer this way as I know right up front and I don’t waste valuable time (or money) trying to make conversation with someone that has no interest.

On the internet we can be talking for weeks.  I will know all about her family, her likes, dislikes and maybe even her sexual preferences, but she still hasn’t seen me.  One day it comes time to exchange “pics”.  I send mine off and wait…and wait.  She writes back and says, “It has been nice talking to you, but you are not my type.”

My most recent experience with this was a woman that stated that she was looking for an email friend only.  We seemed to hit it off well on the communications side and shared similar interests.  We both commented on how it was nice (and rare) to find someone compatible online.  Since we had no intention of meeting and we were both only looking for an online “friendship” how could I not be her “type”? I believe the answer is because there is always a potential of meeting at which point sexual attraction DOES come into play.  I was not upset because I missed the mark on her looks scale, what baffled me is the fact she didn’t want to continue our blossoming “friendship” because of physical appearance.

I wondered if I too had done this.  It turns out that I have had some deep, ongoing, mutually-satisfying conversations with a woman and the conversation “changed” once I saw her picture.  I was “talking” with a self-created ideal.  I adjusted my conversation to “fit” with the person I was talking with.  There may have been something between the lines, maybe some flirtatious fun that was present until I saw that the “real” person did not match my “ideal”.
I have had this work the other way as well.  I am looking for and find a “chat-friend”.  I simply have no greater interest than talking.  She sends me a picture and I go, WOW!  I met a woman once that was very open about her being dissatisfied with her love and sex life, makes for great conversation;  She sent me a picture and it turns out she is my “type” …100%.  I send her my picture and she has the same response.  This sounds like a perfect match except for the fact we are both married…to others. Good thing I was only looking for conversation!!

Meeting someone on the internet can be interesting, how we respond to the various “levels” of that encounter should be something that we are aware of within our personality.  I feel that it will help us understand ourselves better.  It is easier to have a relationship with another person if we can have a good relationship with ourselves first.

Fill in the blanks

One of the greatest obstacles to internet communication (dating) is the periods of silence when one doesn’t have a clue as to what the other one is doing.  My response to someone that was concerned about these gaps in time…

If it helps you at all, I know how you feel and I understand your reactions to the situation. The truth is it can be very frustrating when you “expect” something and it doesn’t happen. This particular method of communication can be very depressing.

What happens when we expect something and it doesn’t happen is that our “thoughts” fill in the blanks. We are thinking of all of the reasons that he/she didn’t do what we had hoped for/expected. If we have enough time to think about it we will actually come to a conclusion as to why our expectations weren’t met.
I know he didn’t call because he is just playing games. He probably has 10 women on a string and he doesn’t have time to call me. He just doesn’t care anyways. I can’t believe I even waste my time. I wish I didn’t talk to this guy at all. I hate him.

So then the poor guy who was feeling bad because he couldn’t make a call to someone that he really shouldn’t be talking to at all (realistically, neither of us should be talking) finally gets a chance to check his email.
Guess what? The woman that was telling him how great she felt because they were talking again…doesn’t want to talk to him at all. Huh? What happened?
It is called “sour grapes” when we cannot get things that way we want OR we don’t have enough information to make a realistic judgement we make one up.

The truth is I know you better than you think in this respect. I have enough personal knowledge of psychology to understand your way of thinking. It is not much different than mine, only that I have been on your end enough to get used to it.
You can stop talking if you wish, if that makes you feel better. Think of the months and months that we didn’t talk…you were ok. Now we are talking…just take it easy.

Prefer not to say

I see a great number of women’s profiles that list “prefer not to say” for their status.

In my mind “prefer not to say” is short for “prefer not to admit that I am married or otherwise involved with someone as just my presence on this site would lead some to assume that I am up to no good”.  I have been told by numerous women that I am in fact wrong, that is only something that a man would do.  They claim that they “don’t have to” tell anyone anything so it is some sort of security for them.

In my opinion there should be no problem in one admitting that they are single.  By not admitting it, one might lessen their chance of meeting a “single” Mr. Right.
The second problem comes in when a married man contacts them and they take offense.  Sorry ladies, just because he is married does not make him a mind reader and as I stated previously there is a certain assumption made that the woman is married and attempting to hide it.

If anyone would like to shed some light on this from a female’s perspective it would be appreciated.

Along the same lines, my recent experience with the “not single…not looking” tag.  I recently changed my status from “married” since legally I am not, to “not single”.  This must have the same although inverse effect on women as the “prefer not to say” tag does on men.  I get tons of emails from single women asking me to chat with them!

It clearly states that I am: 1. Not Single and 2. Not Looking
When I write back and state something to the effect, “Did you notice that I am not single…read “taken” or  “otherwise engaged” they almost always immediately delete me.  Hmmmm

Once again, anyone that can shed some light on this phenomena?

Screening process

Online dating is great for women and it sucks for guys. It seems to be a perfect fit for our consumerist society, where only the best-looking or most valuable packages get taken off the shelf.

The reason why it works so well for them is that men typically outnumber the women in online dating sites. With an oversupply of men, they can have their pick of the litter.

Indeed, any female posting a profile to an online dating site usually gets deluged with e-mails from interested men. With so many e-mails and only a finite amount of time to answer them, naturally they will screen in only the best-looking and richest men.

One man posting in an online forum said he found that for every four hundred e-mails he sends to women, he will get maybe one or two positive responses back. Not dates, just responses. One response for every four hundred e-mails? Yikes! With results like that, it’s not hard to see that his chances of actually getting a date are pretty slim.

A number of years ago, German researchers found that people have to date a minimum of thirteen people before they find a suitable long-term partner. Let’s assume the prospective suitor I mentioned earlier does get one date for every four hundred e-mails he sends. That’s four hundred times thirteen, or 5,200 e-mails to find a partner!

I can’t imagine any man having the kind of time or energy on his hands to carry out such a Herculean task.

Yesterday’s news

How an individual carries themselves in written thought illustrates a lot about their character. If internet-dating is your chosen way of meeting people, then why not put some effort into what you are doing? I am amazed at the number of people that approach the opportunities this medium offers with the same enthusiasm as watching the Simpsons.

I find that many on here will state they are looking for a connection that is based on honesty, respect and yes even “love”.

(Yes, even if they are married…isn’t that ironic??)

They are seeking “one” specific individual with whom they can form a meaningful connection, one with “depth”, yet their actions leading to that possible connection are typically shallow and confusing at best.

It seems to me that we are a society where glitter, glory and the flashy packaging are really what catches our eye and we so quickly cast aside our stated desire for “depth” to possess “the look”.

There is an hidden expectation that “Prince Charming” will present himself wrapped in fancy paper with a big gold bow on top complete with a tag addressed specifically to them.
Their “wants” overshadow their “needs” in most cases.

What if their soulmate, the one that truly possesses the attributes they so desire, the same ones they state they “need” shows up wrapped in yesterday’s newspaper? In most cases they would be tossed aside without a second thought.

These days I find myself reading the paper more often…

True Reflection

Recently a woman read my profile and subsequently asked me if I was writing the words that a woman craves hearing or if they were a true reflection of the way that I think and feel.
I would have to say a combination of both.

Take an average woman that is dating. Typically she will go the extra distance to ensure that she looks as best she can. This includes being well dressed, hair done nicely and make-up. Is she dressing the way a man craves seeing a woman? Is this done-up person a true reflection of herself?
In both cases there is a certain mask applied to the reality in order to attract another. While I am not being misleading by the words in my profile, I do consider myself to be somewhat romantic though I am not a knight in shining armour that will consistently meet the expectations of another like it happens in romance novels. Equally, the dressed to the nines woman will not always look that way.

A really good looking man posts his picture and women swoon over him. His outwards appearance does not convey the person that he is inside nor do my words convey the whole of the person that I am.
I have had many women contact me stating that they have been impressed by the words that I have written. They read them and think, “This guy is exactly what I have been looking for”…My knight in shining armour.
The truth is that I am not different than their husband or ex in the core sense. If you asked my ex how romantic I am in reality you would get the answer “ not much”.

Being romantic requires two way cooperation and communication, without these then there is no romance.
In the dating world a man has to separate himself from the competition and make himself stand out. It is no different than a woman wearing make up.
Every once in a while I meet someone that looks past the initial words, has some understanding that the words do not reflect the whole of me and starts digging, asking questions to expand their insight as to me as a person.

Mascara

Do you leave the lights on when baring your truth?

I find that this particular venue gives people an opportunity to enjoy the essence of a social connection without being real about it. This microchasm of life has a reality of its own but it does not accurately reflect the true personality and demeanor of the participants.

It is the ability for a person to project only what they want others to see that makes this work. I don’t feel that most on here are being deliberately deceitful, but they are stretching the truth. Many create a virtual personality for themselves. They sell themselves. They create a description for themselves that represents the way they would like to be or like to be seen, not necessarily and usually not an accurate representation of the truth. Embellishment.

I know that many will read this and think to themselves, “Yeah, he’s right, they all do that!” but will you look within yourself and see that you are most likely doing the same?

Why?

I feel it is necessary in the beginning, a shiny lure is better than a dull one at attracting the prey. Once they find that their “composed” avatar works better than they expect, they start to believe that this “person” that they have created is real. They start to assume that personality and that role as soon as they log on.

Have you not found that you can be much more popular on here than in “real” life? Why do you think that is?

If you told the truth about yourself, every little detail, so that another could enjoy the same vision of you as does your partner…do you think you would attract or dissuade? I know everything that is wrong in your present relationship is “his” fault, I know he doesn’t appreciate you…that is a given but does is the “real” you deserving of the fantasy escape that you so desire? Do you think your “knight in shining armour” will recognize you in person?

I’m sure that your virtual persona on here will meet a compatible persona and the two of you will live happily ever after in a world of passion, excitement and oh…almost forgot…butterflies. You think?

If you read the profiles you will see a great number state they are looking for “honesty” and “no games”. Could it be that those looking know they are equally guilty of overstating their positives and wish others would “magically” be more forthcoming with their “true” selves?

If you take an item of value and decide to give it to someone as a gift, do you feel it would be equally received wrapped in beautiful wrapping paper and a bow or yesterday’s newspaper? The truth is that the outwards appearance is what makes us decide whether further pursuit is in order.

My point in all of this is that it is very difficult to get the truth on here. It is difficult to strip the glitter away and get to know the person underneath the mascara.

When we have that rare opportunity to connect with another without the masks, are we happy with the person within? In most cases we are not, we put our costumes back on and eagerly dive back into the dark veiling waters of the pseudo-reality that we call the dating site.

Allow me to introduce myself

So you see a profile of a woman that appeals to you…now what?  She has already given you a list of do’s and don’t’s and right now you are more apt to feel like running than initiating conversation with her. Just try…you never know what might happen:

Good Morning!

I happened across your ad and although our situations are somewhat different, I thought I would say hello regardless.

I am in a situation that does not allow great freedom to get out and about as I please. I am limited primarily to internet and phone conversation during the day and the occasional coffee. Most on here want something more substantial than that and I can appreciate this. This leaves me greater opportunity as pursuing an online friendship with someone that lives far away is a viable option but still hold hope I will find someone in a similar situation closer to home.

This roadblock does not quell my great interest in forming some sort of connection or friendship with another that will have greater depth than talking about the weather. I am finding this search to be very difficult so far.

My situation is not an age gap, boredom or lack of intimacy but a combination of cultural and philosophical differences. My mind needs more. I need to think…I don’t have to think with her and I need some stimulation. I like depth in conversation, creativity and at home I have Mrs. Cleaver.