The chase is better than the catch

I find that people are often obsessed with specific goals.  Further to that, they attach an intangible happiness to that goal.

The “I will be happy…when” complex is alive and well in most of us.

•“I’ll be happy when I achieve my goals.”
•“I’ll be happy if I get more money.”
•“I’ll be happy when I have a girlfriend.”

The way that most of us look at “happiness” is that there is an obstacle to us achieving this “reality”.  The problem with this way of thinking is that happiness is not a reality, it is a way of interpreting reality. You cannot “find” happiness by reaching specific goals or solving problems. Feeling that we will be happy once we achieve a specific goal is a vain pursuit of an ideal.

There is a Buddhist quote that states, “There is no way to happiness, Happiness is the way”

Goals, challenges and problems create the “means” for growth and happiness but achieving those goals does not bring “happiness”. Once a goal is reached or a problem solved, we switch our concentration to a new one.
I would hypothesize that some people that by most people’s perception that “have it all” create problems deliberately.  I know one man that has “everything” most people could imagine wanting; He is rich, he has a huge house, 5 cars and a trophy wife.  By my standards he should be more than happy, yet he is having an affair. One day we were talking about “life” and he stated he was having an affair because he life was boring, the excitement of doing something that he shouldn’t do brought him “happiness.”.

I saw a similar situation happen with my brother.  He got a great job offer and moved to the US.  I went down to visit him once around 10 years ago.  He was making in excess of 250K per year, had an 8000 square foot home and every “toy” you could imagine.  He had what appeared to be a good relationship and two healthy children.  We were sitting on his back deck on a Saturday afternoon and I commented on “How well he had done”.  He replied, “Wait until you see what happens on Monday.” By Monday I was back in Toronto, living my life but I called him that evening to see what he meant. It turns out he quit his job.  Subsequently he moved to another city, has a new wife and a significantly lower paying job.  Why did he do this? He said he was no longer happy.  He had achieved every goal he had desired and the one goal he missed along the way was the happiness derived from dreaming.  He enjoyed dreaming, planning and working towards goals more than the ultimate achievement of that goal.

“The chase is better than the catch?”

The happiness we “feel” when working towards a goal or solving a problem is “because” we are working, achieving, solving or improving.  It is a “by-product” if you will of the actions leading to a goal, not the goal itself.
Some researchers have found that dopamine levels are higher when we’re anticipating a pleasurable experience (working towards a goal) than after we’ve reached it. In fact, these anticipatory moments are actually the peak of what we call pleasure. Not only are we flooded with dopamine, but we are content with what we have. For a short time, we escape our usual flurry of incessant craving.

If someone asked us why we feel so good in a moment like this, we’d point to the fact that we had achieved a goal and not to the fact that our desire has subsided.
But as the dopamine levels subside, our normal mood returns, as does our craving. We desperately want to feel good again, so our minds latch onto another goal. The mind lures us into this behavioural pattern by telling us that the more we want, the more we’ll get, and the more we get, the happier we’ll be.

“I understand how you feel…kind of”

Gentlemen, has this ever happened to you?  Your wife is upset so you try and console her.  She may or may not tell you what is bothering her.  She may not tell you because she feels that you don’t care ~or~ she might tell you, and you had better be empathetic.  This one word has probably caused me more trouble in relationships than any other.
I know guys, many of you are wondering?  Empathy…what is that?

Empathy is the capacity to recognize or understand another’s state of mind or emotion. It is often characterized as the ability to “put oneself into another’s shoes”, or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself. In other words, when a woman is down and shares her reasons with us, we are supposed to be empathetic and in most cases we are not.  When she says, “You don’t care”, what she really means is that you don’t empathize with her.

If my wife is upset, I tend to try and console her.  I want to make whatever is bothering her go away. It might be more to do with reactions. Often when a woman talks to a man she just wants him to listen whereas the man’s instinct is to try and solve the problem. In many cases there isn’t much a guy could do. There is nothing for him to solve, so he walks away. That might be part of the problem?

I’d submit that the apparent lack of empathy from a man (as perceived by a woman) is not so much an actual lack as it is something that is differently expressed. Most women like to express empathy in very explicit terms: “What do you need me to do?”, “Better that this happens now than when you’re away…”, “Oh dear, I’m so sorry!”, etc. Indeed, empathy can be considered a passive emotive expressive that many women (though not all) mastered while growing up.

Most men, show their empathy implicitly by wanting to solve the problem. If there’s no problem to solve, however, it doesn’t mean the man doesn’t somehow understand the emotion involved; there’s just no means by which to express it in an active way.

I hate to admit it, but I’ve definitely faked empathy before. I’ve said things like, “Oh no! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?” etc., when I’m really thinking, “I have no idea what the hell to tell you or do for you, I don’t think what you are upset about is significant in the least, so please don’t drag me into this any further!”

You might want to consider that empathy is expressed in different ways. One way is by showing visible and verbal emotional concern and exhibiting emotions analogous to the person one is feeling empathy for (being upset because the other person is upset). This is a form of empathy that is easy to recognize as such. After all, they are “feeling your pain” and showing it clearly.

Another way to be empathetic is to act in ways that show concern and understanding that do not involve such visible emotional displays. For example, understanding that a person is upset at a crisis, and taking action to help the person.

I’ve often been told that we men always want to fix problems and don’t want to talk about how we feel. That seems generally true. But this doesn’t indicate that we do not have empathy. I know, in my own case, that I do have empathy. But I express that empathy primarily by trying to set things right. For example, it is one in the morning and our 16 year old son isn’t home and she is upset and afraid for her son, I don’t talk about how that makes me feel I go out in the car to find her son.

I do understand the need for verbal and emotional reassurance, but what a person does says a great deal about what he or she feels.

Better by me, better than you

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. They believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school. In particular, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as histrionic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

* Believing that you’re better than others
* Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
* Exaggerating your achievements or talents
* Expecting constant praise and admiration
* Believing that you’re special
* Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings
* Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
* Taking advantage of others
* Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
* Being jealous of others
* Believing that others are jealous of you
* Trouble keeping healthy relationships
* Setting unrealistic goals
* Being easily hurt and rejected
* Having a fragile self-esteem
* Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don’t receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may also seek out others you think have the same special talents, power and qualities — people you see as equals. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this grandiosity often lies a very fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

What is (a) behaviour?

I made a comment in a post that I felt that love is a behaviour rather than a feeling. I received some responses where the author disagrees with my thinking…I like that!  It gives me an opportunity to clarify what I said.  It may still not be agreeable, but at least I had another chance to think it out.

My argument is that love is not a feeling in that the “feelings” are subjective.  The feelings that most associate with “love” are typically a by-product of the instinctive bio-chemical reaction within the individuals.  Serotonin levels gone awry, the butterflies in the tummy and the overall inner warmth we “feel” when we are “in love” is typically infatuation.  The unbridled, sometimes unreasoned passion that we feel for another is short-lived at best and can be stopped in it’s tracks completely when situations change. Young, immature forms of “love” are infatuations.  One or both persons feel that “they cannot live without the other”.  Two days later when “Sally” sees “Peter” talking with another girl, Sally’s “love” can actually turn to the extreme opposite.  The “love” in these cases is emotionally driven and has no roots.

I stated that love is a behaviour.  The argument presented was that a paralyzed bedridden person might not be able to help others but could still feel the love that would let him or her do so if it were possible.  I agree with this however I feel I need to define what I consider to be behaviour.

Behaviour refers to the actions or reactions of an object or organism, usually in relation to the environment. Behavior can be conscious or unconscious, overt or covert, and voluntary or involuntary.

Typically when I think of the word behaviour it is in relation to someone’s actions.  I didn’t like the child’s behaviour when he pulled the cat’s tail.  Behaviour refers to an action in this case. I did not mean to suggest that love is an act of behaviour, that love is a verb.

I would like to throw out for friendly debate that true “love” is a rational decision.  We deliberately “decide” to love another.  There are “emotions” involved, love can be expressed behaviourally but to have a desire to make the welfare and pleasure of another is the primary intention and goal has to be “decided”.  We decide that regardless of what happens day-to-day we will “love” this individual for better or for worse.

On physical attraction

Some people assume there is some intimate connection between a person’s outwards appearance and what lies within. I think that both men and women are caught up in the glamour and beauty that they see on television, movies and advertisements.

All one has to do is check out a dating site; there you will find that the persons that are considered to be attractive are on far more “favourites” lists.

I am an average looking person who wants to get past someone’s initial selection process and have them know me for the person that I am. I might assume that it would be equally difficult for an attractive person to get past another’s perceptions and allow them to shine through based on their personality as well.

I understand why as humans we are programmed to seek out an attractive mate. It is all part of the natural selection process designed to ensure our offspring are equally attractive. The problem comes about when one’s expectations are higher than they should be. I think that in general that people should seek out someone that is on the same level as themselves in attraction. This may become difficult if the persons involved have a greater or lesser perception of what they look like.
I have seen this as well in dating sites. Someone will list themselves as attractive and when I look at their picture I don’t see it.

I personally feel that I am average but would base any statements of what I look like on the perceptions of someone close to me as opposed to my own opinion. I am happy to say that other’s seem to have a higher opinion than I do of myself.

Who? Me?

Have you ever or have you ever noticed others casting negative comments about someone when you know that they as well are guilty of the same negative attributes?
“People that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” “Look who’s calling the kettle black.”

We have a tendancy to jump on the gossip bandwagon when someone makes a snide comment about another.  I don’t know if it is meant to be social, agreeing with someone about another’s pitfalls, but we seem to consistantly overlook our own faults in the process.

Case in point: The woman that does our payroll is constantly announcing loudly (so that the supervisor might hear) how Mr. so-and-so was late or punched out early.  This is the same woman that schedules oil changes for her car in the middle of the day and who finds every excuse to come in late or leave early.  If you are in a position wher eyou can duck in and out at your leisure…must be great…where do I sign up?  Making issue of others doing the same thing, although on a much smaller scale, while you do as you please…irritates me.

I have to assume that in this particular instant she feels a sense of power in being able to shine the spotlight on someone else, possibly, if she gets the attention of the supervisor, getting said someone in trouble to boot. Could it be that this is in fact a form of bullying?

Out of the box

Someone asked me the other day what I thought the term “thinking outside the box” meant to me:

Out-of-the box thinking requires an openness to new ways of seeing the world and a willingness to explore.

Out-of-the box thinkers know that new ideas need nurturing and support. They also know that having an idea is good but acting on it is more important. Results are what count.

Thinking outside the box requires different attributes that include:
Willingness to take new perspectives to day-to-day work and activities.
Openness to do different things and to do things differently.
Focusing on the value of finding new ideas and acting on them.
Striving to create value in new ways.
Listening to others.

Supporting and respecting others when they come up with new ideas.

Is more ever enough?

Many of us go through life wishing that we had “more” of something.  We convince ourselves that once we have this “more”, we will be ok, we will be happy, we will be satisfied.  Our pursuit of “more” is what drives us forward.  “More” is a goal and we work towards that goal.

There is a problem when we achieve these goals.  I find that the happiness is short-lived and the satisfaction wanes.  Whenever everything is “right”, life gets pretty boring…it stagnates.

Remember when you were young and playing hide & seek and the pursuers were standing so close to you but didn’t see you?  Remember the thrill, the feeling of excitement of being secret for that moment?

Later in life when our interest in the opposite sex started to preoccupy our thoughts, the thrill of seeing someone we liked and subsequently trying to get their attention created a thrill. Remember how exciting it was when you caught the attention of your crush?

Even in a situation of physical intimacy…the flirting, teasing, playing, the foreplay that leads up to…the moments are so intense, exciting, thrilling, the tension that is built, the anticipation of knowing what is yet to come. (so to speak)

My point is that, although we are all looking for something, many are looking for the end result, the catch and not the “thrill of the chase”.
To me, the passion, excitement, thrill and butterflies that it seems many are seeking are not the “end result”, they are something to be experienced as a by-product of the overall process.

When the hidden one is found by the seeker the excitement doesn’t get better…it is over.
Once you have your crush to yourself the thrill of “what might be” is replaced by “what is” and the accompanying anticipation ends.

What if you could have a relationship with another that did not entail a predetermined, finite end; one where there was enough separating the participants to make it improbable for the anticipation to end.  I think a relationship that was akin to perpetual foreplay, continuous tension without the typical drama would be something to experience.