Still looking for love

Bitter, unsuccessful middle-aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, dreary loneliness looking for like-minded, needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with my life story, boring sex and Anne Murray albums…
’till death do us part.

I love eating peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches in the rain, drinking fine wine in paper cups, watching Wonder Woman reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway.

Being a 42 year old overweight, balding man I’m in a hurry to find love. I try to keep in shape by chasing squirrels around my back yard and have cut from 24 to 12 beers a day. I take baths weekly and douse myself in Old Spice the rest of the time…so I’m always smelling nice!

I’m definitely your classic romantic. I love a nice candlelight dinner, some quiet background music, and a couple hits of ether.
I’d really like one of those “friendship with benefits” arrangements. A great benefit to me would be a woman that has insurance and a car, as I need to make the occasional trip to BC to pick up “souvenirs”.

I said I was looking for a friend, but it is unfair of me to deny the women looking for long-term the chance to meet me, so I figure by the time we get to know each other I will be divorced and we can marry. My parents are kicking me out after July and I’d like to meet a woman with a lot of money so we can have fun. I like women between 18-45, but would consider older if we do not have to touch a lot.

You have a penchant for eating raw meat, find divorced 40 something year-old losers appealing, have climbed Mt. Everest (or at least thought about it) and sweat freely and often. You wear size five shoes and think shopping is a sport. An appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises is important. Must like being bored and lonely.

To be honest, I really miss being in a committed relationship. A great relationship is an exploration of all of the senses…for both people involved.

Sight
The sight of me sitting on my ass on the couch surrounded by empties, watching football and wolfing down cold pizza from last night’s antics.
“I love ya babe, kenya get me another beer?”

Sound
The aura of the relentless subtle displays of love that I heard daily…
“Take out the garbage”
“Put the seat down”
“Help with the dishes”
“Slow down”
“Don’t you ever listen?”
“They’re your kids too you know!”

and my favourite was when she called me pet names with passion and intensity…
“You are a fcuking ***hole!” Notice the adjective? It was true love.
Somebody please take me back to those days…

Touch
There is nothing to describe the warmth I felt with the touches she inflicted on me…the remote control hitting my jaw…or the throwing of wine…and the glass… in my face. The first time she kicked the boys…I was shocked! Then a tingly feeling started…oh! sorry… I’ll tell that one later.
Ahhh! So much fun! I feel incomplete without the touch of another.

Smell
How I miss her scent! Always smelling like a woman! A combination of baby puke, dirty diapers, rose scented soap, strained peas and the perfume I always bought for her at Mick’s Convenience. Sometimes on Friday nights she used to get dressed up real nice to go shopping for groceries. She would come back 4-5 hours later smelling kind of like Old Spice…
Oh how I miss that…

Taste
My Baby showed great taste when she got me. Now it’s your chance!

For Love or Money

Gorgeous, intelligent and wealthy yet still unhappily married man looking for love.
I guess it happens to all of us at some point in our life, the thrill, the excitement, the romance in our relationship wanes. We find ourselves left with only the countless billions we amassed running a highly successful call-girl service.

What is money and sex without love?

When I married Candy, shortly after my term at Harvard we really didn’t know what lay ahead of us. We were young and in love. She admired me for my great looks and I admired her for her fake boobs. It was truly a match made in heaven.

When we met we were both aspiring actors. We did a few stints as doubles, with me looking like Pierce Brosnan and her like Pamela Anderson, we were able to pay the bills, but we wanted more.

One night my brother and his wife were over, having dinner and drinks. It wasn’t long before we were all talking about how we could make some “real” money. That’s when we came up with the idea of a call-girl service. Our wives readily agreed and even volunteered to help out in order to keep the overhead down.

That would turn out to be the beginning of the end.

I guess with our wives working such long hours, dinners with clients every night and burning the midnight oil…we drifted apart. It wasn’t long before I started looking at her in a different light. This woman lying beside me wasn’t the same one that I married, I even had my suspicions that she might be sleeping around…

I continued to invest our earnings into high profit investments (Tim Horton’s) and we continued to climb the ladder of success, but our relationship was over.

I ended up having an affair with the Cleveland agency…all of them. I woke up in the morning and I felt ill. I looked around at the young women littering the room like Halloween candy wrappers on the first of November and I wondered…how could I have sunk this low?

Was this really the way I wanted to spend my life? Stinking rich and surrounded by countless wanton women? …. Was it? …. well..yes!!

Regardless of what I felt I wanted (Down boy!!) I knew that this lifestyle would lead me to an early grave.

The problem I figured was my life had been TOO much fun. Too much money, sex and having anything I desired delivered to me on a silver platter. This had to end right now, but how?

That’s when one of the girls introduced me to this site. She said she found a number of clients from here so I thought, what the heck?

So here I am. I am a 40-something Pierce Brosnan look-alike. I have at net worth of 4.6 billion at last count. I have a Harvard education. Just like most of you, all I really want is someone to love me. I am tired of the money, sex and fake breasts.

I want an middle-aged, average looking housewife to complete me. Maybe someone that dropped out of school in grade 9, got pregnant and has been working hard to make something of her life since. I know that the years may not have been kind to you but I don’t care. I will give you all of my money and you can be seen around town on the arm of a great looking guy that is so tired of great sex won’t even ask for a bj…ever.

So how about it?

Any run-of-the-mill ladies out there willing to take me up on my offer? Pleease!!

As you know, something that sounds too good to be true, usually is. There is one small problem but I hope that our “love” can help us overcome this obstacle. I mentioned I was rich BUT I will have to give half of the fortune to Candy once the divorce is final. I should be left with a humble 2 billion. If that is not a deal-breaker for you…please say hello.

I’m waiting….

and your father owns a liquor store

40% of the profiles have no content. Similar to walking up to someone that you have an attraction to and rather than saying hello, just standing there and hoping that they might notice you. Since they haven’t said anything he is more apt to be staring at their breasts. They would be the first to say “He never looks me in the eyes when he’s talking to me.” No content..no conversation..no communication.

25% of them have no content but the added bonus of a cleavage shot or maybe a risqué leg shot. These women are mature and professional and are seeking long term. If I were the type that found cleavage and legs to be the most important attribute in a mate then I would be impressed. In the long run, the cleavage sags and the legs get cellulite. Are these women looking for Love or are they concentrating on their latent desire to be an exhibitionist?

25% have content! Yes and the worst spelling and grammar that I have ever seen. This is even better than the first two.

butifull ladee lukin for luv i seek a tall derk & hansum man dat haz lotz uf mony i culd be ur wyf plz rite me im desprit! If a woman like that throws in a boob shot I’ll have died and gone to heaven! Lol

10% of the profiles have content. Regardless of what is in the profile it has been thought out, is straightforward and well written. This is one’s chance (on here) to make an intriguing first impression.

Love at First Post

Well, here I am.
I finally made it to the inner circle, the secret world of internet dating. I have to say that I am impressed!
Within seconds of logging on I saw the girl of my dreams staring back at me from the carousel of love that magically appeared across the page.

I couldn’t resist immediately delving into her profile to see if her bio was as equally appealing as her picture. Sure enough I was equally impressed. Seems this beauty didn’t have time to go out on real dates with real men so she picked this site to look for Mr. Right, and if I had my way she had found me.

Now that I had found her, what should I say? The standard lines that work so well in the bar seemed to have little consequence on here. I decided I would be brave and tell her the truth, how I had logged on and saw her right away; how I was so impressed and didn’t see any reason that we should waste any more time on here; true love should not be cast aside.

I pressed send and watched the confirmation appear on my screen, “message sent”. I sat back and smiled. I had done it and it was easier than I thought. I couldn’t wait to hear back from her, confirming that she felt the same way about me.
I waited for a while to see if she read my note.
She had not. Maybe she was busy reading through the other “less-than-appealing” introductions from the “insignificant” others.
I would give her some time.

As the hours passed I kept checking back yet still my “passport to love” sat in her inbox untouched, unopened.

I woke up early, logged on and checked my inbox….empty. What gives?
Had she not seen my message yet?
I quickly switched screens and there it was…right beside my message to her…READ/DELETED.

Obviously this was a mistake.
Maybe someone else had got to the message first and out of jealousy had trashed it. Maybe Markus, “the creator” really didn’t want the power of “true love” jamming up his site.
Maybe she accidentally hit the wrong key.
Yes, that’s it. She was so enthralled by the words, she was beside herself. It is entirely possible that she felt light-headed and somewhat dizzy. She may have attempted a response in this state and hit DELETE instead of SEND.
I am sure this is what happened, but what should I do now?
Should I wait for her to try again?
What if she forgot who sent it?

I decided that under the circumstances it would be the “right” thing to do for me to send a message once more. I did my best to capture the same depth of feeling that the original note had attempted to produce and after a quick perusal I sent it off.

This time her response was immediate. I knew it… poor girl had been sitting there all this time, waiting for me to resend my words of love.

With bated breath I clicked on her message and her words sprang forth from my screen…

Saying what I mean I am saying

“I’m attracted to affectionate women with playful sex appeal, a creative style and a wild love of life.”
I’m attracted to a woman who isn’t hung up on the fact that I’m currently carrying an incurable sexually transmitted disease.

“I’m fun and easy going.”
I won’t ask for your last name. Just send me a one-line message and I’ll sleep with you, no questions asked.

“I’m single and not looking for any attachments at the moment.”
No strings. Just you, me, a bottle of wine, some rubber gloves, a Celine Dion CD, a tube of KY and some porn movies.

“I enjoy new adventures, experiencing new cultures and anything that deals with a new and exciting adventure.”
Black, white, Mexican-whatever. You could be a morbidly obese bow-legged Chinese acrobat for all I care.

“I’m picky to an extent, but it really depends on the person.”
I would bone a donkey if no one would find out.

“I’d say that I’m confident and I know who I am, but I’m also humbled by life’s unpredictability.”
Who would have thought I’d get herpes? I thought it was something only Johns picked up off of Street Hookers while getting head in bathroom stalls.

“I’m comfortable in my own skin and I never see any reason to lie.”
Right off the bat I told you about the whole herpes thing. Oh wait, I didn’t. But I will. On the first date, or after the first time we have sex or some time really close to right after that.

“Sometimes attitude can be more important than looks.”
I’m definitely not spending the night, and don’t plan on me calling you ever again unless it’s very late and I’m very, very drunk. Also, I’ll be watching you sleep.

“You need to be in shape (or look like you’re in shape).”
As long as you have all four limbs and are between the ages of 18 and 93, we’re good to go.

Finding Mr. Right A How-to Guide

These simple tricks, learned from my lengthy sessions at various online dating websites for, umm…research purposes, will have you dating “Mr. Right” in no time:

Section 1: THE PICTURE

1. Do not post a picture that includes your friend that is hotter than you. This will only make us want to date them instead; or better yet let us meet them before we come to that conclusion. Also, please do not include a picture of yourself with some random guy. He may be just a friend to you, but he’s competition to me. I dislike him already.

2. Always preview your picture to make sure it doesn’t look weird and twisted when it is reduced to thumbnail size.
You may look great when it’s full size, but look like a pregnant, trailer-trash Britney once POF has worked its magic.

3. A fact you may or may not know: Most guys can spot the now-ubiquitous push-up bra. Yes, I did my (admittedly enjoyable) research. A big, bold smile will get you farther than an inflated chest, though we do often appreciate the effort.

4. Do not write about how sexy or good looking you are in your profile. That’s what the picture is for. If you need to say you’re good looking, you’re probably not.

5. Always use a real picture of yourself, not someone else. If you really are “Miss November”…be honest. I have larger fold-out picture of you on my bathroom wall and can “get to know you better” from that rather than the little one you have on your profile. You really may be “Miss November” but chances are when I meet you you will look more like my mom.

Section 2: THE HEADLINE

Avoid writing cliche lines like, “looking for a partner in crime”, “I work hard and play hard”, “I like a night on the town and I like a quiet night at home”. Not only does it sound stupid; it makes you sound like you have the personality of a wet paper towel.
All you are apt to get from me is a sarcastic response:

“I am looking for someone who is comfortable painting the town red or curling up and watching a movie”
Wow, I don’t know anyone who likes doing both of those extremely unusual things.

“I hate writing these things or I don’t like talking about myself”
If you don’t like you, why should I.?

“If you’re into head-games…pass me by”
Do you really think that people who play head games know they’re doing it or they would admit to it anyways? It’s up to you to see them coming.

“I love to laugh and have a good time”
Yeah…because most people hate having fun.

“I love life and am looking for someone with similar interests”
I love life too…I can see we have lots in common…let’s sleep together!

“I have a great sense of humour”
Apparently sense of humour is no longer individualistic and subjective because everybody has a great one these days.

“I tend to enjoy the simpler things in life”
You are going to LOVE me then. I am as simple as they get.

“Friends First”
Damn! Thanks for telling me. I was hoping you were a ” let’s have sex and ask for names later” type of girl…just my lousy luck!

“I never thought I’d end up doing this”
Oh poor you… relegated to the ranks of internet dating with the rest of us undesirables.

Section 3: THE WRITTEN PROFILE

1. Choose your profile nickname carefully. You might think “MILF4U” appeals to men but if you think MILF means “Mature, Intellectual, Loving Female” you might not get the responses you expect.

2. Learn how to use a calculator to perform simple conversions. You look hot and well-proportioned in your picture, but in reality you’re somehow 4 feet tall, and weigh a whopping 250 lbs. Be realistic. You might think men are stupid, but they are not blind.

3. Do not use “LOL” after every line you write in communication. If you write LOL after everything you’ve written, it makes what might have been funny NOT FUNNY AT ALL. We are not members of a studio audience that needs to be told when to laugh.

4. Spell check, spell check, spell check. Hell, throw in a grammar check if you’re feeling feisty. This is a must. We don’t want to read about how you are so “sexi and craze,” and how you want a man who’ll “treet me rite.” If you want to be taken seriously, you have to come off somewhat serious (and mildly coherent).

5. We really don’t want to hear about how many “clubz” you like to go to with your “girlsz” or “boyz”.
This just makes you sound fourteen. Since when did “Z” replace the letter “S”? By the way, “ya” and “da” are NOT words.

6. Know what you want up front. The online dating arena has its own set of rules so when choosing your “seeking” selection please use the one that most closely describes what you are seeking:
Companionship without commitment? Is that with or without sex? Do you want long-term and sex? Is that with or without commitment? Friend with benefits? Benefits without friendship? Marriage? Is that marriage with or without fidelity?
You think I’m kidding don’t you?

7. If you are “married but looking” do a double take of your profile to make sure the wording makes sense:
“I promise you my honesty and sincerity, and I expect the same from you.”
Didn’t you already say this to someone once…a long time ago? Is that irony, hypocrisy…or both? Hmmmm

Section 4: EXPECTATIONS

1. Be realistic in your expectations. I know you may be looking for a tall, athletic, well-endowed, well-educated, successful George Clooney look-alike; but this is a free dating site and if you were really worthy of George you probably wouldn’t be on here in the first place.

2. Again, be realistic in your expectations. I see many ads looking for a policeman, a fireman or a man in uniform. Statistically there are 3 men in uniform for every 1000 persons. One of the three is probably gay. That means your odds of finding one aren’t that good. I did get a ticket from a man in a uniform the other day…and I can relate the story to you in explicit detail when we meet. That should be enough for you.

Section 5: THE RESPONSE

1. If a potential “Mr. Right” sends you an introductory note and you don’t feel he is your type, don’t just delete it without the courtesy of a response. Better to respond to the poor fool, let him know what a loser you think he is so he can give up hope, get off of here, and find someone really nice in the “real” world.

2. My personal favourite is the UNREAD DELETED response. You don’t have time to even read what this poor fool has written to you. You already know what they have written…don’t you?
He can see that you are beautiful but you have ESP too? Wow! You ARE special! No wonder you don’t have time for him.

I hope this little guide has helped you out, made you laugh, or both. I mean no offense to anyone…just a tongue-in-cheek look at the online dating arena.

Best of luck to all!

How to write a profile without sounding like a dick

Just give me two minutes…

I know some that had tried it and it worked for them, so I thought what the heck…I wasn’t out to screw anyone, so why not?

What would it hurt to get it up and share my love with the world? It was a slippery proposition but being one to dive in head first I took the challenge willingly; thinking maybe with the right stuff I would find myself surrounded by the comforting warmth I so desired.

I had heard that there was no guarantee of success however, some found theirs was not big enough or they didn’t keep it up long enough.
It was my understanding that having just the right size, getting it up and keeping it up for as long as possible had the greatest effect.

So I locked myself in a dark room and started the thought process. I already had an idea in my head what it would look like once it was up. Not overly large yet certainly something one would notice.

I started working on it in earnest and before I knew it was growing in size. At first I felt it was a little limp but once I got a grip on it I was able to work it into a perfect piece. I wanted it to be firm and to the point, but I didn’t want to scare anyone away. I heard once that a hard man is good to find, but I don’t think they were talking about his attitude. Faster and faster my fingers worked at turning what started as virtually nothing into something I knew I would be proud to share with another.

I kept working on it, tweaking it, twisting it in such a way to create the most pleasure for those that might have the chance to enjoy it. I even tried to stretch it a bit to make it sound bigger than it actually was.
Finally it was up. It was a great feeling to have this power, this control, a possible great future had been wrought from my own hands.

I leaned back a bit and admired it. From top to bottom it was a true representation of my feelings and I felt it accurately portrayed my desire for a connection.

It was average in length but had a well-rounded fullness about it that would certainly bring about a smile from any onlookers. I had no idea what kind of response it might bring or if it would work at all. I was told once that is not the size that counts, it is how you use it…so I intended on using it for a long time.

I had it up for most of the day and proudly showed it to anyone that cared to look at it.
Some told me they had seen similar before, while others couldn’t swallow all of it. Most told me that there were larger ones out there but not anything they could sink their teeth into, some told me they wished it was more colourful and a few said they had seen some twice as long. I was hoping overall that most would be pleased with what they saw, still knowing full well that some might give me a much deserved tongue-lashing.

I kept it up for as long as I could.

I would like to think that some were touched by it but it may have been more of my imagination. Still Some told me they had their fill and found their own creative juices were stirred in the process.

After a pleasurable episode of baring my soul for the world to see, I found myself tired from the whole ordeal.

I had tried and it worked. By now it was getting late and what stood out so proudly before had been seen by many. The initial enthusiasm was waning and others were showing off their own creating a highly competitive environment.

I wanted to finish up before there ceased to be any interest.

I was lucky to have one nice person offer to help me finish it off. She had approached me earlier in the day with her mouth open in awe of what she had seen. She told me that after looking at others all day she knew for sure that mine was the best with one exception…it needed a ending. She said the whole of it left her hanging, almost there but feeling somewhat unfulfilled.

Together we worked on it. She showed me how to position it better, how to move it around a bit and I found that both of us had greater satisfaction from the revised version. We worked on it for an hour and knew we were closer than ever to a climactic end.

Suddenly it happened.

A breakthrough.

My body was pulsing, my mind had reached the point where it was going to explode.

The end had come for us.
I felt as if the heavens had opened up and a new birth of thought was conceived.
I was tired but finished off with wave after wave of new found energy.
With a sigh we both lay back and savoured the perfect ending.

Trembling softly she smiled and thanked me for planting the creative thoughts within her and I thanked her for being so open with me.

I drifted off to sleep, happy in the knowledge that my profile had brought pleasure to so many.

Was it good for you?

Women don’t lie do they?

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker”
If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker”
She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun”
Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented”
She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship”
She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average”
The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”
She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like fucking a giraffe.

“I am career minded”
Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel”
Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

“He must be well off”
She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

“Sometimes I do drugs”
If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic blow-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.