What were you thinking?

I have to admit that some of the “stuff” that I write even surprises me.  The truth is that in general many of the thoughts that I transpose into text here would normal be but a passing thought in my head.  Each day I take a peek at the various terms that an individual was searching on Google or the like that brought them to this blog.  It makes me feel a bit better knowing that there are some out there that have an equally or more “odd” outlook on life than I do.  I didn’t have too much to say this morning so I picked out a few of my favourites for your perusal.

•    why do men leave there sock on during sex
•    men wearing panties
•    standard deviation sexual partners
•    how to dress to look fat
•    pasta + semen flavour
•    married women cheating or dating one another
•    why are you so heartless poems
•    getting away with cheating affair
•    chauvinism pros and cons
•    married but still in love with future husband
•    statistics of women jealous of the rich
•    why are women more open minded than men
•    poetry about dating married people
•    what happens to a husband when he walks
•    woman infatuated with semen
•    am i imagining sexual tension
•    what does overcooked pasta taste like ?
•    circumcised handjob
•    sox sex
•    is it the man’s responsibility to have himself fixed
•    any love dating site hungry
•    odds of finding the girl of my dreams statistics
•    menopause and fantasizing about ex

Seeking medium to large pussy

Hello, and thanks for checking out my profile. I’m a 2-year-old single black, white, and grey male, non-smoker, non-drinker, no kittens. I enjoy climbing stairs, long days on my patio, watching birds and fish, gourmet dining, and playing with my toys.

I’m seeking a female companion, 1-3 years old, I’m open-minded so race is unimportant, but species must be feline. I prefer a medium to large body type – skinny cats just aren’t my thing. You should be just as comfortable sitting on the patio in your little black coat as you are washing your butt in front of me. The ability to share toys is a must.

Honesty is very important to me, so If you are seeking sexual intimacy, please know that my testicles were removed when I was 4 months old. It’s embarrassing, but I didn’t have any choice in the matter. As a result, spayed females are preferred.

One more thing, I live with my mother, but I can explain.

Open letter to the guy that mugged me

Thanks buddy, you really made my evening. I was just thinking a few days ago “wow it’s be a while since anyone stuck a gun in my face” Then you came along like a soft breeze in the night.

I think you did a pretty good job, however I could offer a few pointers.

1. After someone has turned out their pockets, that means they are empty.
2. If I don’t have a wallet why would I have a bank card?
3. While I didn’t have anything in them, I had more pockets than you checked.
4. People often times hide money/drugs in their shoes or socks. Make sure to check those on your next target.
5. A simple please and thank you are always welcome.
6. I can understand why you took my cellphone, you didn’t want me calling the cops. But really, it’s the only thing I had. Why not just strip the battery or something? I really needed that. Plus the thing is like 8 years old, you can’t even sell it. Jerk.
7. Pick better targets. If he looks poor then it leads to believe that he is poor. Why risk jail time, and serious time at that over a poor guy, at least get some cash outta the deal.

Also, quick note to the cops. A guy at 3 in the morning jumping up and down and waving his arms in an X shape over his head needs help, he is NOT waving hello. But thanks for smiling and waving back, really made my night.

To the cars who wouldn’t stop for me, looking back I don’t blame you. I hear there are criminals on the streets.

Standard disclaimer:
Every once in a while someone sends me something that I find humourous.  If I know specifically where it came from I will give credit where it is due.  In some cases (like this one) I do not know who wrote it, so if there is someone out there thinking “Hey, this guy is posting my time-consuming, well-thought out shit…give me a shout and I will give you a star!

A day in the life of an internet junkie

7:00 – Wake up, turn on computer, use the bathroom, shower, get ready for work.
7:45 – Check the online weather and traffic reports, determine best and fastest route to work to avoid traffic.
7:50 – check all 5 email accounts; delete 300 spam emails, save 10 important emails to reply to later.
8:10 – A quick check of my favorite news sites, see what the top stories are. Typical thing every day, some guy killed another guy over a can of beer, Bush invades another country, Celebrity gossip spills into the “real news”
8:20 – one final check of the traffic situation. Some jackass could’ve just crashed his Escalade into the barrier on the highway while he was drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, talking on the phone, combing his hair and adjusting the radio.
8:30 – turn off computer, hug and kiss the monitor and say, “I’ll be seeing you later!” Leave for work.
9:00 – arrive at comfy desk job in overpopulated office
9:10 – Get coffee and sit back and read more online news, warm up to a long day on the computer
9:30 – Google search, this is where I type in random words or phrases and see what comes up, quite fun!
10:00 – browse online forums, check out what the Honda guys are saying about the Ford guys, and maybe start an online fight between the two.
10:15 – browse the online personals; get skeptical at the quality of photos and the lack of description of some of these ads.
10:45 – browse the classifieds for sale, inquire online about cars and jewelry I have no intention of buying. Schedule to view and inspect the item for sale, never show up.
11:00 – Hit up eBay, try and find an image of the Virgin Mary in a pile of dried vomit some drunken college kid left on the floor from a party the night before. No luck
11:30 – Check out what going in the space community, when are they going to launch the shuttle again? Oh yeah, they’re all scared it’s going to explode on the launch pad. Come on, just launch the fucking thing.
11:45 – Sign up in some random forum with the screen name F-U and start talking shit in my first post. Get flamed and called a Noob (What the hell is a noob anyway? I know its trying to portray I’m a newbie so why not just write newbie? Huh?)
12:00 – Lunch time! Respond to my personal emails while eating a sandwich and check each one of my email accounts again. 50 new emails, all junk.
12:45 – Step outside for a brief moment, I have to squint my eyes since it’s the first time I’ve seen the sun this month. Run back inside in fear of getting burned alive.
1:00 – Whew! back at the computer where I belong. Actually do work related work for a little bit.
2:00 – I can’t stand it anymore, I need to be on the internet, Ahhhh…….. there we go, I’m looking at random pictures now.
2:30 – Search for random video clips, laugh my ass off at the idiots out there. Someone somewhere is being videotaped getting gravely injured so we can all laugh at them while they sit in the hospital for weeks. Thank You!
3:00 – Hit up the forums again, see who responded to what and reply accordingly.
3:45 – Check out the apartments for rent, shake my head at the lack of description in the ads. Post an ad for a cardboard box for rent, ask outrageous monthly rent and wonder why I get no responses.
4:15 – Check my emails again, nothing worthwhile, delete 100 newsletters from 75 different sites I have running accounts with.
4:45 – Get my last internet fix in before I have to leave to go home.
5:00 – ding, ding, ding! Bum rush the door and get the fuck out of the slave pen.
5:30 – heading for home, stop off at the grocery store for my weekly supply of hot pockets.
6:00 – Get home, immediately change into my pajamas since I’m not leaving the house for the rest of the night.
6:30 – Fire up the computer, get everything ready I need for a long evening in front of the monitor. Food, check. Water, check. Candy, check. Tissues, check. Okay, here we go!
7:00 – It still a little early for IM, only 5 of my 185 online buddies are logged on, I browse the personals to see if any new ads catch my eye. Nope, all the same ads from yesterday are still there, some of them are re-worded to make them seem like different people. Who are you kidding!
8:00 – IM starts consuming most of my time now, I talk to all my long time buddies I have never seen in person. Hey! What going on Frankie! I haven’t seen you in forever!! (literally)
9:00 – Get bored talking to the same old peeps, head off for the chat rooms.
9:30 – Start up a conversation with some girl with a screen name BustyBlond69. Come to find out she’s 45 yr old, married with 10 kids. People should not be able to pick there own screen names, its so deceiving.
10:00 – End up chatting with a few new people, one with a screen name PartyPants. I ask her if there is a party in her pants and if I’m invited. She responds with “LOL” haha how childish.
10:30 – PartyPants and I hit it off for a little while, I ask her over to a private chat room where we can get more intimate. I turn off the lights in my room and light a candle on my desk.
11:00 – By now PartyPants and I are getting it on. If I was with a real girl this would be considered foreplay. By now I have perfected my one handed typing skills and don’t skip a beat. I don’t even have to look at the keyboard anymore.
11:15 – Finish up with PartyPants and dump her as fast as you can click the little X in the upper right corner. I bet she feels so used right now. haha
11:30 – Say goodnight to all my online buddies I will never see, check my email one last time and head off for a relaxing nights sleep. Dream about computers and the internet all night long.

Hazardous materials datasheet for women

Element: Woman

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg

Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions

Physical Properties

1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied.

Chemical Properties

1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Use

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Tests

1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

“”You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building!””

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!