50 ways to do your lover

I was standing in the checkout line last night and as is usual for me the woman in front of me had 5 items that needed to be price checked.  As I stood waiting I glanced around at the various magazines residing on either side of the aisle.  I counted 32 magazines of which 8 were “rags” similar to and including “The Globe” and “National Enquirer”, 4 were “Home & Garden” publications and the balance were “women’s” magazines.  In one aisle, twenty magazines specifically targeted at women, nothing for men at all.  I took a quick glance around at the demographic status of the shoppers and almost half, including myself, were men.  My point is not that there should be more men’s magazines at the checkout, my point is that EVERY magazine that was directed to a women’s audience had at least one article on sex.  Whether it was Cosmo with 2009 new positions for the New Year, to a body building mag with an article on Kegals and yet another with a story about how to make good sex…great sex.

My mind wandered back to my marriage to the ice queen and I remembered that she used to buy these same magazines.  Funny thing is, I don’t think she knew what a Kegal was, the standing upright and saying “not tonight” position was really the only one I remember with any fondness and I don’t remember the bad sex becoming good at any time.  Great?  Ha!

If they really had written articles for the likes of my ex they would read more like this:
•    “Ten ways not to suck in bed” (Personally I think she did read this one, but took the wording the wrong way.  She never sucked in bed.  She was lousy but she didn’t suck)
•    “Six things to do to your man to make him think that you are actually enjoying sex”
•    “Faking orgasm is passé.  Learn how to fake an entire sexual encounter!”
•    “101 positions he can try while you shop in Buffalo”
•    “500 things he wishes you would do in bed, but got tired of waiting so is trying with the neighbour’s wife as you sit here like a dumbass reading this stupid article”

After I left the grocery store I went to the mall and stopped in at the magazine store.  This particular store had a wide variety of both men’s and women’s mags.  As I browsed the covers I saw the same content in the women’s magazines but didn’t see anything similar on the men’s.  It seems that men are not as interested in ways to improve their sex lives.  This could be that:

a)    They feel that they are already good enough
b)    They already know what to do without further instruction.

If I look at the reality it is more apt to be b) They already know what to do.  I only buy a magazine when there is a specific need to know something. Last month I bought a magazine on how to build a stereo cabinet because I didn’t know how to; does a woman buy a magazine with articles on sex because she doesn’t know what to do???

I say this because most of the magazines that have articles for woman on new positions or the dirty things that he thinks about during sex were not written by a woman; they were written by a man and could have easily been written by me.    A man already knows that there are 50,000 positions for sex.  We don’t need to be told and we would have tried most of them if you would let us. Also:

•    How to make good sex…great sex?  Screw him with the same wild abandon that a call girl would and YES he WOULD give you $100.  If that doesn’t appeal to you don’t worry about turning the good sex into great sex; think about turning the NO sex in the other 28 days of the month into ANY sex.  He will thank you for it!
•    Forget about making the bedroom “romantic” with white linens and rose petals.  His idea of romantic in the bedroom is a nurse’s uniform with crotchless panties.
•    Forget about all the fancy moves that simulate yoga onboard the space shuttle…fancy doesn’t matter so much…JUST MOVE!!
•    Talking dirty does not entail listing off “dirty” things that you would like done after you are finished; “Don’t forget to take out the garbage”, “The washrooms could use a cleaning”, “Did you change the oil in my car?”
•    We don’t care if YOU think that lingerie is a waste of money because you only wear it for 30 seconds, just put it on.  For those 30 seconds we can imagine that you are the model that we saw wearing it in Victoria’s Secret and accordingly the slinky outfit costs less than the Viagra required without it.
•    You DON’T really want to know the thoughts that go through our minds during sex.  It is better that you think that we are enthralled by the fact that we are sharing an intense emotional connection.
•    You want to give your man a “mind-blowing” orgasm just like it says in Cosmo?  You don’t need to buy a magazine and read a 15 minute article.  (Those 15 minutes could be better spent on 3 passionate love-making sessions you know!) How to do it?  Use your “head” (where your mind is) and “blow”.  See, easy.  Mind…blowing….fantastic orgasm…happy husband….saved $5.95 on Cosmo that can be saved towards Nurse’s uniform.

If men’s magazines did mimic the content found in Cosmo I could imagine what it might look like:
•    “Why men want to leave their socks on during sex.  They love the feel of something tight gripping their appendage.”
•    “How to get her to stop saying those stupid 50 things that Cosmo told her that you like to hear”
•    “How to convince her that a quickie says I love you as much as dinner at a five-star restaurant”
•    “Scientific studies prove that sleeping on the wet spot reduces the overall signs of aging”. Letting her sleep in it is like giving her a day at the spa!
•    “One word that you can use during sex to enhance the experience….SHOULD” Look at this…”You Suck” becomes “You SHOULD suck”
•    “Convince her that leaving the lights on during sex is good!” How else can you peek at the copy of Maxim beside the bed when you are having sex?
•    “50 things that you wish that she would try in bed and every woman’s magazine tells her she should try in bed but she will NEVER try in bed and why”
•    “How to make her feel like a woman…in 45 seconds or less”
•    “How to convince her that having a threesome with her sister is not disgusting” Her sister is not disgusting at all…really hot actually!

Share your thoughts: Would you buy a magazine for tips on how to improve your sex life?

Try before you buy…Lease a Girlfriend!

Marrying or not marrying to me is a question the same as when it comes to a car, should you lease or buy?
If there was the opportunity to make a clean break when the “time was right” and the two of you just shake hands and drive off into the sunset in separate U-Haul vans…I would most likely “rent”  for a set time period rather than “own” a partner.

I think it makes sense for almost every type of man to lease his girlfriend. Particularly the cost conscious man that wants lower monthly payments but still wants to drive a nice model, or the man who likes to drive a new model every couple of years. It makes much more sense and is much more economical to lease rather than going through the hassle of marriage and divorce. While every model depreciates over time, the concept of building equity in marriage has lost its validity. In today’s market there is a far greater value in only paying for what you use.

Leasing a partner would entail and have the benefits of the following:

Variable yet specific terms.  Anywhere from 24-72 months decided up front.  There would typically be a financial  premium for a shorter term as the short term lease would be primarily for pleasure lessees, those not interested in  any long-distance destination.  Pleasure lessees typically drive hard and exert greater wear and tear in a shorter period of time than the long term user and this extra wear is compensated for in additional dollars per month.  This is commonly known as “paying to play.”

There is a downpayment required.  This deposit would vary depending on the overall value of the model that was to  be leased and the creditworthiness of the lessee.  It is typical that the lessee will pick out a model that is beyond  his financial ability and will have to settle for a cheaper, possibly used model. Typically a greater up-front investment will lower the monthly lease rate and could significantly reduce the residual “buy-back” should you wish to purchase the model at the end of the lease term.

It is generally assumed that there will be no major mechanical failures in the relationship over the term, however  should something happen in this respect, it will be the liability of the lessee to ensure that the leased model be  repaired to her original condition prior to the terminus of the lease term. The wear of certain parts is considered  normal, (certain seals, gaskets and bearings) however excessive wear will be charged back to the lessee at the end of the term.

It might be assumed that leasing a “previously-enjoyed” model would equate to a lesser monthly payment when in  fact the opposite is true.  A “used” model actually costs more than a new one because their overall useablity factor  has decreased. She will have more wear and tear and higher miles which devalues her accordingly.  If someone is  willing to pick up where the previous owner left off, he can expect to pay a premium because when he is finished driving her she will have little or no residual value.

Proper lubrication must be performed on a regular basis. This is important!  There is a disturbing trend where lessees  are blaming premature relationship failure on the model’s lack of cooperation with proper lubrication.  Wheras it is not  suggested, there are many “after-market” places eager to lubricate your model should the lessee have difficulty in  doing so. It is also important to ensure that all fluids are topped up on a regular basis, once again this can be done by others if the lessee lacks the technical skill required to attend to anything related to the model’s fluids.

All belts, hoseries, rubbers, batteries, lubrication and fuel are an integral part of the overall enjoyment of the model.   It should be noted that all of the above are considered wear items and will have to be replaced regularily at the  lessee’s expense during the course of the lease term.

In general regular maintenance will keep your model running smoothly and reduce excessive grinding and pinging, which is sometimes referred to as the model’s bitching and whining. A recommended maintenance schedule, including suggestions as to where to take your model to shop, where to go to dinner and on holidays is provided with every model.

Having a set term allows the lessee a specific time period to enjoy his model. If by chance he wishes to terminate  the lease before the end of the term, specifc penalties would apply.  This includes but may not be limited to  excessive wear charges, overuse charges, depreciation charges.  Typically if the lessee decides to turn the model  over to a new owner he will be financially responsible for all payments outstanding for the balance of the lease, even  though someone else is driving his model.

Should you decide to purchase your model after the set lease term you will be responsible for paying the residual value of the model.  This is the outstanding value of the model at the end of the lease term.  Simply pay this amount and the model is yours.  Please keep in mind that marriage licenses, emissions testing and routine maintenance are not included in the one time cash payout.

There is basically not a lot of difference between your obligations when leasing or buying.  The model is your responsibility regardless.  The main difference is that lessees have a pre-set end to the relationship and far lower monthly payments than a buyer.  The buyer has the knowledge that he “owns” his model and will have her indefinately, known commonly as the “til death do us part” clause in the “offer to purchase.” Although the buyer pays a higher monthly payment, he will eventually stop paying once the model has been paid for…or so he wishes. Ha!

Differences between Friendships

Friendship among women: A woman doesn’t come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend’s house. The man calls his wife’s ten best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men: A man doesn’t come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend’s house. The woman calls her husband’s ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two claim he’s still there.

I’m Not Your Mother…

Why do men tend to marry women who are like their mothers?  Cause they want to be “taken care of” under the guise of “doing the taking care of.”

Seriously, we do not want to be mothers to you.  We do not want to continually nag you to shovel the snow, pick up your socks, put away your shoes, close the cupboard doors, put away your stuff when you’re done playing with it.

But we do.

We have to cause if we didn’t nothing would get done and that rash you’ve been complaining about would spread!  Nevermind the fact that we would probably go insane.

Honestly, do men really believe that women like to nag?  Hell no!  We have to nag cause if we didn’t nag you would never go to the doctor to get that huge growth on your ass checked out.

If we didn’t nag our houses would be over-run with empty beer bottles and pizza boxes.  Our toilet seats would be rotted through by your urine – your aim is as terrible as your abiity to organize a simple stack of bills.  And, if we didn’t nag even just a little, we’d never be able to track down that unbearable odour coming from the closet or laundry room.

Listen up guys – when you get married, you aint marrying your mom so pull your weight or deal with the nagging.  It’s not about getting some (sex) or not getting some (sex); it’s about doing your share of the stuff.  It’s about equal partnership.

If you wanted someone to clean up after you and blow your nose – you should never have left home.

Mug Shots

I think my wife is having an affair!

I find it depressing that people tend to wander so quickly after making a decision to settle.  I have been with her for less than 2 years and already she has someone else on her mind.  I overheard her talking to a friend the other day on the phone.  This particular time I was lucky in that she was speaking English as opposed to her native tongue as she normally does.

I was supposed to be getting the table ready for our guests that evening and with the kids running around and me looking to my allocated chore I didn’t catch everything she said.  I did manage to hear enough to let me know that she was up to something AND that already their “relationship” had a physical aspect to it. I know that I might be overreacting so I would love to hear someone else’s take on this.  I have listed what I overheard and if someone else sees it a different way, please tell me to ease my mind.

•    He warms me up inside.
•     He is too sweet.
•    I think he is from Columbia.
•    Sometimes he is too hot.
•    The other day he was only warm so she warmed him up more before taking him.
•    When she wraps her hand around him it feels so warm, so good.
•    Sometimes she can’t take him all at once so she lets things cool before she takes him again.
•    She likes him so much she swallows every last drop.
•    Sometimes she likes to swirl him around in her mouth because he tastes so good.
•    He is large?
•    Sometimes he is black and sometimes brown? There are two of them???
•    Other times she takes him (them) with double cream? Ewww!
•    The other day he was extra large and she could hardly fit her hand around him!
•    He wouldn’t fit in the cup holder in the car.  They did it in MY car?
•    She has him three times a day!  Sunday mornings sometimes one after the other.
•    She admitted to her friend that once she had him all to herself, felt guilty and thought about getting me my own, but didn’t want me to get all jumpy! I’m JUMPY now!
•    She says that if she has him twice in a row she feels like she is vibrating inside!  NEVER vibrates for me!
•    I thought I heard her say that they did a fine grind on the ground and her whole had been brewed perfectly…or something like that.
•    She even went to far as to say that she would like to bring him home so she could use her own machine but I wouldn’t like it as much!  Damn right!!
•    She was afraid that she was going to have to end having him in the morning because the cops were talking about charging people that were distracted while driving.
•   She went on to say that she preferred having him at home when no one (including me) was around so that she could hold him with both hands.
•    He spilled on her lap the other day and she got really wet. He burned the inside of her leg.  Hey I could do that too if given the chance!!
•    He is stronger than what she has at home!

I don’t know for sure but I think his name is Jim Thorton…or something like that.  All I know is that when I get my hands on him…I don’t care if my wife is done with him, I am going to finish him off!

Murphy’s Law for relationships

• All the good ones are taken. If the person isn’t taken, there’s a good reason.
• The nicer someone is, the farther away they are from you.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• The best things in the world are free and worth every penny of it.
• Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
• When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
• Sex is only dirty if it’s done right.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
• Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• Thou shall not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.
• Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man never forgets the women he couldn’t have.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Love is the delusion that makes a woman believe that one man differs from another.
• An ex-wife/husband will always be “till death do us part”.
• It’s always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
• If a man speaks aloud deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him is he still wrong?
• The less attractive a girl the closer she lives.
• If you’re having difficulty choosing between two potential girls, you’ll always pick the wrong one.
• If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.
• Never make love in your back yard. Love is blind, but not your neighbors.
• When she says: “Don’t buy me anything expensive” and you listen, expect to be single.
• Beside every beautiful woman is a bored-to-tears guy who only months earlier would have killed to be in that spot.
• If you marry a beautiful girl she’ll turn into her mother.
• Any good looking person you see that isn’t alone will be accompanied by a person of the opposite sex who doesn’t deserve to be with them.
• The length of a relationship is directly related to how much you are attracted to your significant other’s best friend.
• Beauty is directly proportional to the number of drinks consumed.
• Not everything takes longer than you expect.
• It’s only kinky the first time you do it.
• The love of your life will only want you back once you are in another serious relationship.
• If you think a girl is beautiful, her boyfriend will always be there to confirm it.
• You never truly know a significant other until you meet her in a court.
• Being told that someone doesn’t want to date you because you’re such a good friend is like being told that you didn’t get the job because you’re overqualified.
• You don’t fall in love, you fall in a hole. The depth of the hole is proportionate to how oblivious you are of the fall.

The perfect date

I am very adventurous. I recently returned from running with the woodchucks of Pamplona. I love music especially the classics. I can often be heard sitting on my porch listening to my vast collection of Slim Whitman, Ray Stevens, and Zamfir (that brotha jams on the pan flute) on the 8 track.

My brother is giving me his old record player soon, Mickey’s arm is broken, but I think I can fix it. Can’t wait to hear the old Bobby Sherman and Partridge Family albums again. I enjoy long walks in the parking lot at Walmart, and candle lit dinners. I try to stay away from Arby’s though; the last time I was there they threw me out and threatened to call the fire marshall if I did it again. I love Artsy films, Charlie And The Chocolate factory made me cry. Watching Jason Bourne throw people through walls is poetry in motion. (Nureyev and Barishnikov have nothing on him.) I have my own teeth, and a really nice place. I hope you like strobe lights and black light felt posters of skeletons and naked zombie women. Oh and a lovely velvet painting of Elvis dying on the commode.

I got great furniture at the Goodwill and after 53 gallons of Febreeze you hardly notice the aroma of the guy who was found dead on it after 4 weeks last July. Mom let’s me have visitors until eleven if they are quiet. If you tell her you like Matlock she is a pushover and let’s you stay until midnight. I am free most nights when my stories aren’t on. Usually just Wednesdays now that those bastards took Joan of Arcadia off the air. Oh, I am not allowed within 200 feet of CBC property, …..sons of bitches can’t take a legitimate complaint!

Well, if you like me send me your address and I’ll drop by to see you. I am looking for a woman who is cute ( a little chubby is okay, but if you drive around on a rascal because you can’t walk on your own anymore, uh, no thanks). Must have a sense of humour. Oh and if you are self conscious because you have crooked teeth or small boobies don’t worry…I won’t judge. I love perky A-cups much better than floppy varicose vein encrusted double D’s any day. If you want to wait until after Christmas to go out so you don’t have to buy me any gifts that’s cool. If you want to get together before the holidays that’s cool too. Let me know so I can let the Salvation Army know if I will be dining alone or not.

My idea of a perfect date…..let’s see. We have a nice dinner (all you can eat buffets that cost less than $10 and are on the bus route are best. Do you by chance own a large hand bag?……you know, for lunch the next day) Then we can take a walk. Sometimes I like to hang out behind the jail and watch criminals get processed. It’s really fun when you KNOW them. If the girl is really special I will take her to my most special place……the park out near the airport where we can watch planes take off and land. The lights are really pretty at night and the picnic tables have very few splinters (who needs a hotel room). Well, if you made it this far you must have one hell of a sense of humor…..so you might be right for me. Give me a shot. I’ll make you laugh a little at the very least. Beats the hell out of spending the holidays with a depressed needy bastard whining about his ex girlfriends.

Ode to married life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men….that night they would wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged woman said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4″ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.’

The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, a mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’

The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner ?’