Hey, Let’s get married! Right NOW!!

I was reading a post on a blog the other day where someone was talking about an ex that had rushed into a marriage and had regret about the decision. The post author went on to ask why people, specifically men, would rush into marriage?
I have some personal opinions.  I can’t claim to have had experience with all of these but I have had some of these thoughts cross my mind.  Please keep in mind I am talking about someone that is young and somewhat immature in his experience in relationships.

1. I think the number one reason for rushing into a marriage is to claim ownership.  A guy has the opportunity to marry a stunning, sexy woman that every guy drools over.  He married her because he can.  He wants to “have” her so that no one else can.  She has the same real appeal to him as an exotic sports car.  There is no depth to the “love” here, he is marrying her to claim her as a possession.  He will do this at the first available opportunity lest she change her mind and actually start dating one of the guy’s drooling friends.

2. Sex. Many men marry for sex.  I have actually thought (but not acted on) marrying a woman because she was “fantastic” in bed.  That being she knew what to do to make our sex life great.  She was “better” than anyone I had met before and I couldn’t imagine anything better.  Rather than someone else sharing in the joys that this woman possessed, I could marry her and keep her all to myself.

3. Typically if you compare “perceptions” of a current girlfriend or wife to a potential new lover, the one you are with will fail.  The new, uncharted territory possesses far more appeal than the “same old” at home. There is a greater level of lust and infatuation with this new girl that is flirting with me.  She is obviously more fun, more exciting, more sexy, hotter than the one I am with. As the song goes, “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?”  If someone hotter comes along the man may jump at the opportunity to marry her if he doesn’t let time do it’s job of wearing off the glitter and revealing the true person underneath.

4. A man will marry a woman for security.  He may not like being alone, he may have self-confidence issues.  The first woman that comes along that makes him feel “good” is “good-enough” for him.  He marries her.  If over time his self-confidence gets boosted he may change his outlook on what he sees himself as having as far as a partner.  He sees himself in a better light than when they got married so he sees a need for a new “matching” wife.

5. A man has a girlfriend or a wife and he starts having an affair.  Over time he falls for his lover.  He sees her as better than his wife.  He leaves his wife for his lover.  He marries his lover. Turns out that the lover only wanted an affair…not a husband and the new relationship starts to wither quickly.  He might find himself wishing for his part relationship, even going so far as to contact his ex looking to reconcile.

6. A man meets up with a fantastic woman.  She is recently separated from her unappreciative, useless, cheating husband. He cannot believe why her ex would have treated this Princess so badly.  She doesn’t want to go through the dating process again, why shouldn’t they just get married and get on with their lives.  They marry and he finds out quickly why her ex was not interested in her idea of “marital bliss”.

7. He feels sorry for the woman.  She has been through bad relationships, she has had a hard life, she wants something and he is ready, willing and able to provide it.  Men like to be the knight in shining armour to the “maiden in distress.”  Not necessarily on that level but I find that I have to at least have a “feeling” of being needed in some way by my partner to make “it work” for me.

8. He has ulterior motives.  He wants to marry her because he has a “need” for her that has nothing to do with the relationship.  I know of one case where a man got married quickly so it would appear that he was in the process of “turning his life around.”  He had been charged with and was due to stand trial for rape.

Another occasion saw the man marrying the woman because he needed her income.  A woman wouldn’t hand over her cheque without reason but if she was promised a “life together” along with a grandiose plan that only needed her additional income to make it work, she might go for it.

Another man wanted to marry the first available as he wanted access to her health benefits.

9. Some are innocent enough in their thinking to assume that the “love” that they feel is “it”.  Everyone that has been in love knows that “love can conquer all” yet in reality, after we have experienced both the ups AND downs of relationships we know that this is not the case.

It should be noted that I provided the above “reasons” as to why a man might rush into marriage, not why a man would get married in general and definitely not as a list of reasons he should get married.

The Pampered Wife

It’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to demand a man make a certain salary, to be deemed “marriage material”, and provide stability. Likewise, if a man demands the wife do the cooking/cleaning, he can now be labeled a sexist misogynist. If he asks her to carry her weight financially (just like he does), he can be criticized as an inadequate provider. What exactly deems a woman “marriage material”?

To top it off, some women have gotten so pampered that they not only quit their jobs the day they find out they are pregnant, but they hire as many nannys as their husband can afford. Yes, some wives stay at home, and hire someone else to raise the kids and clean up, while they drink lattes and go shopping all day with other pampered “stay-at-home” mothers. This is not all women, but certainly the odds increase if the man can afford it. Does it pay to work hard and get ahead anymore, if this is how your hard earned money is squandered?

Are all women like this? No. Could this be your future wife? Possibly. The concept of the pampered wife is relatively new. America was primarily an agricultural economy even up into the 1920’s.

American wives contributed to the well being of the household by helping on the farm. A man needed a wife as an equal partner. It was not until the 1950’s that the first generation of American wives began to emerge as dead weight. Perhaps this coincides with the spiking of the divorce rate in America. Perhaps men have become tired of giving so much, while getting so little in exchange.

It’s that Time of Year

Ahhh, the Christmas Season, gotta love it. And soon the Christmas decorations will be replaced with all those wonderful advertisements for Bridal Shows and all the MUST HAVES for your wedding. Very convenient that Bridal Shows usually happen in between the Christmas Season and end a month or two after Valentines Day.

It has been ages since I’ve been to a Bridal Show. I wonder if they’ve changed any? Oh all the wonderful things that are at a Bridal Show. You will die if you don’t have them for your wedding – not to mention that the other 10,000 people who attend the same Bridal Show will probably also have a “unique” wedding.

Why is it that couples and their families spend more time and energy on planning the wedding (in some cases an entire YEAR), rather than planning their life together? The future? One of the reasons can certainly be attributed to the fact that the wedding planning business is BIG BUSINESS (a billion dollar business I’m sure) and a lot goes into the marketing and sales; and these marketers know the mindset of most brides and grooms and their families.

When we are planning a wedding we are in a state of heightened emotion – emotions of neverending love (a fallacy), emotions of needing to please, needing to impress, needing to create something unforgettable (although the guests soon forget the lavish wedding cake and the bride and groom soon forget the vows they spoke). And, needing to be the centre of attention – to be a princess, or a prince.

I apologize, but I cannot share the excitement and giddiness of my friends who are planning a wedding. Nor have I ever been able to. Nor did I torture any of my friends into sharing it when it was my turn. Yes, I loved wearing the wedding dress and feeling special that day, feeling beautiful. I enjoyed the attention. More than once on my wedding day I questioned what I was doing, what I was getting myself into. More than once my husband did the same thing. Even today, after over a decade of being married, we question it together.

Why do brides (and grooms) ask me to spend a million dollars on a matron of honour dress that I will look entirely goofy in and will never wear again? Not to mention that I need to wear those thousand dollar shoes even though having my toes hit over and over with a hammer sounds more appealing. Do they not remember their experiences as bridesmaids/groomsmen?

I wonder, these days, do Bridal Shows have a display where a couple can sit down and answer hard-hitting questions about what they expect in their marriage and then compare them with that of their future spouse to see if there is compatibility? Do they have a psychologist’s booth, offering marriage counselling? Stats on how many will eventually need it?

Do future brides and grooms sit down and talk about how they will handle the financial decisions? Job loss? Career change? Do they discuss how having children (or deciding not to have children) will affect their marriage (cause it does!). As a man do you ask your future bride – “Ahhh, will you still give me blow jobs after we’re married?” As a woman, do you ask your future husband, “Will you still bring me flowers after we’re married?” Do they talk about roles? Or do they assume and take on roles based on what “societal norms” are? Do they sit down and talk about core values they hold dear? Or do they assume that each are shared? Do they discuss reengaging on a promise and the repercussions of that? Does your future spouse know that you want 10 children? Do you know that your future spouse will spend thousands of dollars on shoes/electronics?

Do you discuss the relationship boundaries that will need to be in place for your future family in-law? Cause in most cases – when you marry your spouse – you marry the family as well and all the dysfunctionality that goes along with it.

Being in love is great. Marrying the one you love is awesome. But when the reality and responsibilities of marriage and sharing your life with someone FOREVER hit you head on, how many can continue moving forward? How many choose to bury their head in the sand? How many look for an escape? How many wake up one morning and think, “What the fuck was I thinking?” Just take a look at the Divorce rates – there’s your answer.

No wonder the Internet is so full of temptations. The Bridal Show organizers/owners must have a share in all of the dating sites on the web – those for singles AND those for the married.

Divorce 101

50% of North American marriages end in divorce, and 70% of these divorces are initiated by women. ***
All men should consult an attorney before marrying, and understand the implications of divorce, b/c they may participate in one whether they like it not.

Upon divorce, all assets accumulated during a marriage are subject to division. Even if the woman has not worked in years, and instead, has spent the last few years shopping and lunching from 7am-3pm, she is entitled to half of everything the man worked for during the course of the marriage. Is this fair? How many people would ever accept a job offer that stipulated that in the event of resignation, you would have to return 50% of every dime you were ever paid? No one in his or her right mind. Yet, men unknowingly agree to the exact same insanity when they sign their marriage contract!

“Assets accumulated prior to a marriage are exempt from a divorce.” Yes, in theory. However, real life dictates otherwise. If funds from an account are commingled, it can become marital property. If even a dime from an account is spent towards the marriage, it can be considered marital property. Buy your child a lollypop from your own account, and a good lawyer will take 1/2 of it for your ex-wife when you divorce. If a woman moves into a home the man owned prior to the marriage, it is not safe from divorce. If she so much as hangs up a sheet of wallpaper, the home is now classified as marital property, and is subject to equal division. (Worse actually, the man can be ejected from the home) Is this fair?

Note: “equal division” is also somewhat a misnomer. Sometimes, she can get upwards of 70% of assets, while the man gets the majority of the debts!! This, of course, is his reward for working so hard all these years. He can afford it, she can’t b/c she was not working.

*** Sources:
http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/019.htm
http://ca.askmen.com/daily/austin_60/92_fashion_style.html

Career Slavery

Anyone who says “Slavery is dead” clearly has not contemplated the predicament of many North American fathers. Webster’s defines slavery as “the state of being under the control of another person.” If the husband earns enough to support both of them, he would be hard pressed to make an argument to preserve equality, and have her continue working as he does.

If the wife decides to stop working, the men who have been left holding the financial bag find their options limited. They may find themselves stuck in careers they hate, or working for abusive exploitative management, working excessively long hours, working in jobs that are physically threatening, that have no growth potential, enduring prolonged commutes, etc. At this point, considering the corner he’s been painted into, he is often powerless to affect any change in his own life. A husband may have been harboring delusions that once the wife was able to return to work, he would gain some flexibility to rectify some of the shortcomings in his own career (For example, changing careers or accepting a lower salary at a different firm, in exchange for better hours, shorter commute, and/or more fulfilling work, etc)

But, a distinct reality is that he will continue to shoulder the financial responsibilities alone….A man’s reward for working hard and getting ahead is to become trapped into his career, and shoulder the financial burdens of a family alone. Does it pay to work hard anymore?

Working from home

There are many debates about the merits of a stay-at-home mother vs. a working mother. My goal here is to simply educate the man on the unseen risks he is taking when he agrees to accept 100% of the financial burden to allow his wife to stay at home. Again, an informed decision is less likely to be one that is later regretted.

Every parent will agree that staying home with a child is back-breaking (and often mind-numbing) labour. Many new fathers will concede that it is much easier to go to work than to stay at home with several children. However, the greatest imbalance in efforts and contributions to a marriage can manifest once all the children are of school age. The house is now empty from 8am-3pm. The wife has 7 hours to herself, while the kids are at school, and the husband is at work. After a few years of hard work at home, many wives may feel entitled to “kick back.” The good husband however, has worked those same years, has done his 50/50 of the housework, and is still working to support the family once the kids are in school. He is rarely afforded the same option to scale back his daytime efforts.

What motivation does the modern wife have to return to work? Very little. For several years now, the man’s salary has been enough to live on. (Otherwise, she would have been working) Unless tight finances dictate that she must return to work, the husband really has little say in this matter. The wife can hide behind many different excuses in order not to work, despite having little to do from 7am-3pm:

“I’m busy with the housework”
It is easy to exaggerate the labors of daily housework. Yet, how long does it take to throw clothes into the wash, and remove them later? Vacuuming can be done in 1 hour a week. Grocery is another hour per week. A decent meal can be prepared in under an hour. Does all this add up to 7 hours a day? Note: This lie is not as persuasive as it may have been in the past, b/c in an age of later marriage, many men are already experienced in cooking & cleaning, and know what kind of effort it entails. (Note that not every stay-at-home-wife even does all these things.)

“I can’t find a job”
She has been out of work too long, and therefore is unable to find a job. This may be true, but many men do not consider this risk when they agree to support her while she “temporarily’ stops working. (Hopefully, now they will, and can make a more informed decision) Also, many wives may use this as a scapegoat to conveniently not even bother looking for any job. (Below, I describe how this can even be used against the husband in the event of divorce)

“It doesn’t pay for me to work”
In the shortrun, the expenses of work (gas, lunch, clothes) may not make it worthwhile for her to go back to work. This may be true, but does this justify her playing tennis, while the husband toils away? Many couples may be too shortsighted on this matter. Initially, the cost/benefit numbers may not be ideal, but her returning to work will improve her job skills and network of contacts. (More so than strolling through the local mall every afternoon) Over time, as her career gets back on track, and she becomes qualified for better jobs, her salary should also improve.

It should be duly noted that some working wives view their salary as “personal spending money”, and still expect the man to pay all or most of the bills. (What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is ours.) Are all women like this? No. Could this be your future wife? Possibly.

No good deed goes unpunished

Imagine yourself giving a homeless man a sandwich. A generous act, indeed. Now imagine your reaction if the homeless man sues you in court! The judge orders you to keep feeding the homeless man sandwiches, indefinitely, because he has become accustomed to your support!! This would be categorically absurd, yet this happens to men in divorce court every day. Instead of thanking you for paying her bills for all those years, you get the reward of legally having to keep paying her bills! Remember folks: No good deed goes unpunished.

After having children, many women demand to quit working and stay home. Before kids, many of these women may have been in careers they hated, working long hours, and enduring long commutes. It is the man’s generosity and dedication to his own career that allows her to walk away from her hers. During a marriage, a man with a stay-at-home wife might work himself to the bone in order to support her. He will pay the mortgage, property tax, grocery bill, phone bill, cable bill, and electric bill. He also pays for her car, the gas money, clothes, and vacations.

As a slap in the face, the man can be punished for working hard enough to allow his wife the have the luxury of staying home with the kids. As noted above, after the children are in school, the wife may enjoy a life of leisure that is afforded to her by her man’s hard work. In event of divorce, he can be legally obligated to support her for years to come. Because she stopped working and led a life of leisure, the ex-husband is now responsible for supporting her!! History has a tendency of rewriting itself. Originally, a woman may have had a career that she may have hated, and was begging to leave. (In fact, that partially may have been her motivation to have kids in the first place.) But now, in her eyes (or her lawyer’s eyes), she “gave up” her career for the man and his kids. His gift now becomes her sacrifice! Or, the story goes that he was threatened by her having her own career, and forced her to quit and stay home with the children. (How many men do you personally know that are upset at having a wife that earns a good living?) Many of these misleading stereotypes still run rampant in our society, and are routinely used to the woman’s advantage during a divorce. As a result of her not working, regardless of whether she was minding the home or not, she remains a liability.

Generous, caring men who spoil their wives should certainly think twice about how this generosity can later be used against them. The phrase used in divorce court is “She has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle”. A husband’s reward for spoiling his wife today is the legal obligation to spoil her indefinitely. Buy her a luxury car today, and you may be obligated to buy her luxury cars after she leaves for you for another man! Yet…imagine a husband that became accustomed to eating a home cooked dinner prepared by his wife. Now imagine the courts obligate the ex-wife to continue cooking for him and his new girlfriend each night, despite being divorced! Inconceivable, but it happens the other way around every day!

The ultimate insult, however, comes when the man loses half of his life’s assets even when she has decided to leave him. Yes, a wife can kick a man out of his own home, and have the courts force him to continue paying the bills, while she is sleeping with her new boyfriend in the very house the husband worked to buy! She can spend her alimony check on gifts for her new boyfriend! Are all women like this? No. Does the legal system support a woman who does feel entitled to this? Yes.

Classic reasons (not) to get married

All the “classic” reasons why a man gets married are a myth.

“I don’t want to die alone”
Wrong. The simple fact is, that one spouse WILL die alone. (Unless you both die simultaneously in a car accident.) Your spouse may die 15 years before you. Or you may be on a hospital bed for your last year. Yes, you may get visitors, but they aren’t having the same thoughts as you are. You’re contemplating your mortality, while they’re wondering what pizza toppings the hospital cafeteria offers. Ultimately, we all die alone. Married or not.

Corollary: “I won’t grow old alone”
Not necessarily. A marriage can self-destruct at any time. Your partner may initiate divorce at age 30, 35, 45, 50, 55, 60, etc. MANY married people end up in the same position (alone) as if they had never married at all. (But they enter their twilight years broke, as a result of being stripped of half of their life’s assets, losing half their retirement/pension funds, and/or being assessed alimony payments) Also, experiencing final devastation from one divorce may preclude a man from ever marrying again. ie: He grows old alone (and poor)

Men are led to believe that not marrying implies a destiny of a solitary monk in a cave. However, life is not so black and white. Not marrying does not mean you can’t continue to date or have meaningful relationships throughout your life. There are plenty of single people in all age brackets. In fact, a bad marriage can be the loneliest of institutions, b/c most of your emotional outlet and companionship is concentrated into one person. Again, my aim is to educate young men in their 20’s and 30’s to the alternatives that exist in life. They should be aware that marriage is a choice, and is not the only path life has to offer.. An informed decision is less likely to be one that is later regretted.

“I’ll get regular sex”
Not necessarily. There are plenty of “sexless” marriages. Talk to a few married couples that are honest about their relationship. One or both partners may stop wanting sex after kids. Also, it remains to be seen whether sex with 1 partner for 30 years is even a natural act, or just a man-made convention. Marriage is hardly a guarantee of regular sex, as many people are led to believe.

“I’ll have someone to cook/clean for me”
Not necessarily. While a woman is perfectly justified in quitting her job in the name of staying home with the kids, she can also demand that the husband pay for a cook, a maid, and a nanny. This leaves a man to earn the money, and leaves him to pay for maintenance of household and children. Today’s woman is empowered by not performing the traditional housewife duties, regardless of whether she is working or not. If a husband asks that his wife perform traditional household duties b/c she is not working, he can be labeled sexist or controlling, even if he is doing his “traditional role” of paying all the bills. (Besides, this is a stupid reason to get married. If that’s what you want, then hire a maid)

“It’s the proper religious thing to do”
Perhaps, but it is a complete farce to watch couples that haven’t gone to church in 10, 15, or 20 years suddenly become church going regulars a few months prior to their marriage in order to gain approval of their church. (And in most cases, they don’t step back into a church the day after their wedding) If you are not actively religious, why would you need your personal relationship to be endorsed by corrupt child-molesting, tax-exempt, money-soliciting, war-mongering thieves? (Who you will never see again) Religion today is nothing more than a way to socialize and network with neighbors on Sundays. Not a reason to be married. Of course, the Catholic church only allows you to be married once. So when remarrying, divorced people will get the marriage “annulled”. A convenient man-made loophole to circumvent a man-made custom. A complete farce.

“I have to be married to have kids”
Really? Her ovaries do not physically need a contract at town hall in order to be fertilized by his sperm. Cro-Magnon man had children long before lawyers invented marriage contracts. Often, you do not need to be married in order to share health benefits. (Due to the gay rights movement) You do not need to be married to designate your partner on a life insurance policy. It’s ironic that responsible parents who raise a healthy family, but never actually sign marriage paperwork, get less respect than ineffective/inattentive/incompetent married (or divorced) parents.

Having a lifelong, faithful relationship has nothing to do with being “married”.
Owning beautiful dream home together has nothing to do with being “married”.
Raising healthy, happy, and successful children has nothing to do with being “married”.
All these things have been done by gay couples for years now, without marriage.
In fact, with the advent of gay marriage, gay couples have proven that the only tangible consequence of marriage is having a formalized seperation process.
Otherwise, nothing else has changed in their relationship that existed before “marriage”.

You do need to be married in order to throw a extravagant 3 hour party, and share the same last name, however.
Besides that, marriage does nothing but introduce lawyers and phoney, crooked religious figures into your life. (People that otherwise have nothing to do with your life or your relationship)

Men need to stop and ask, “Why exactly am I getting married? What exactly does marriage mean to me in today’s world?”
It is hardly a lifelong committment, b/c it can be reversed overnight.