Mixed Messages? I’d Rather a Mixed Drink!

One issue that continues to be frustrating in my search is the mixed messages.

I like to think that I am a good communicator.  I endeavour to be clear and I also endeavour to ask questions when I’m not clear on something.  I also never say something unless I mean it.  I don’t beat around the bush if I want something, I speak directly.  My way of communicating has caused me some stress as sometimes people mistake my directiveness – or straightforwardness – as being aggressive or just being a bitch.

Hmmm, wonder if a man would ever get accused of being aggressive in a business context if he spoke matter-of factly?  Doubt it, but women who speak their mind are usually labelled aggressive or bitchy or “on the rag.”  That could be one of the reasons why some women choose to not be as direct as they should, or rather have developed this way of communicating.  Don’t get me wrong – communicating directly does not mean being rude, inconsiderate of another’s feelings or downright mean.  It just means being straightforward and not beating around the bush.  Making yourself clear without a hidden agenda.

Some time ago I dated a married man I had met on line.  We got to know eachother through email messages and messenger.  We met in person very early on and upon meeting our connection grew stronger.  Or so I thought and was led to believe by the things he said and did.   As our relationship moved forward I started to realize that time and time again I needed to remind this individual that we were married to other people.  In my mind the relationship was not a physical one – and he assured me that in his mind it was not either.  Neither one of us discounted the fact that our sex life was pretty incredible and a bonus to the relationship.

He wrote me the most beautiful emails, we had incredible conversations, discussions about many things; both when we were together and when we were conversing via electronic means.  He continually told me how much he cared for me, how much I meant to him, how much we could make our relationship work; that we were on the same page as to the boundaries of our relationship and friendship.  He even tried to convince me to relocate my business closer to him so we could spend more time together. We shared “secrets” and told eachother things that at least I, have never told anyone.  I don’t recall reciprocating a lot of the “mushyness” he seemed to be sending my way – however there were the odd mushy comments from me as well.  Not because I didn’t care for him, but rather because I didn’t see a need for mushyness, or at least the amount he was dishing out, and also because I cannot say something unless I mean it.  The words “I love you” do not come easily to me – not because I cannot feel – but rather because I find those words powerful and only use them when they are real.

The final time I saw him (although I didn’t know at the time it would be the final time) he had an amazingly romantic evening planned – to which I asked that he tone it down a bit, given we had limited time to spend together and his plans would have involved a couple of days.   Everything was just as it had always been.  No clues were given to me as to what awaited me the next day in my in-box.  I had no reason to believe that this was the last time I would see him.

The day after, I received an email from him which upon starting to read it, my mouth hung open.   The gist of the email was that given he and I were just fuck buddies, he didn’t appreciate my sending him any “mushy” comments (earlier I had sent him a “mushy” comment which related to something the evening before).  Although he didn’t use the term “fuck buddies” it was what was implied in his statements.  He went on to say that given he was married (which I knew the entire time we were “dating” but which didn’t stop him from being “romantic”) and had a career, that he didn’t have time to pursue a relationship with me that involved anything other than mutally satisfying eachother sexually when we had time.  Hmmm, would have been nice to know the year before, since he was in the same career then and was married then too, but didn’t stop him then from pursuing a relationship with me – nor did it stop him from all the romanticizing and “mushyness.”

I didn’t spend too much time analyzing the situation or the email.  Obviously he had gotten bored with our relationship – would have been nice to have been given some clue, or at least for him to have the balls to tell me in person.  I wondered if he forgot all the things he had said and emailed me during the past year we had been in a “relationship?”   Or, perhaps, and probably closer to the truth, he didn’t mean them.  Whatever it was, I told him that I really wasn’t interested in a fuck buddy at this time, but would certainly consider him a candidate should that need arise.

It did throw me for a loop though.  For a time I did feel a bit stupid for falling for his “romantic” BS.  However, looking back I realize that he was sending me (and possibly himself) mixed messages.

He had told me several times that I was a friend he wanted and needed in his life – I think he’s better off with a lesson in how to communicate honestly.

A New Year….A Continuing Search

Over the past couple of weeks of holidays, in between family dinners and wrapping and unwrapping gifts, I found myself wondering why I wasn’t “missing anyone” over these holidays.  It was not a negative feeling but rather a calm and peaceful feeling.

Over the past 10 or so years of my married life, I have in one way or another, been involved with someone.  Men who were not my husband.  Whether those secret relationships were strictly email friendships, friendships without sex, or lovers, there has always been someone I thought about and missed over the holidays.

Not this year.  I thought about each man who, although no longer a part of my life, had made an impression on me over the past ten years; I could not say that I missed any of them.  I do think of them fondly and wish only good things for them, but I didn’t miss them.  I don’t miss them.

This was an almost liberating feeling.  In those moments of reflection I realized that my attachment to love and infatuation, is waning.  What a great way to start 2009!

Notice I did not say the attachment is gone.  I know myself well enough to know that I will always be attached/addicted on some level to love, falling in love, being infatuated.  Who wouldn’t be?  It’s an amazing feeling to love someone.  To know that someone loves you.  To be attracted to someone and to know someone is attracted to you.  To share stories; thoughts; philosophies and see that familiar look of validation from the other person and to be able to give that same validation back.

However, in those thoughts I also recognized that the searching for that one special person, will continue on.  It is in the searching that I have learned so much about myself, about others and about love and caring and forgiveness.   Perhaps it is the searching I’m attached to?

I have learned that I do not need to be loved nor to love another to have great sex.  I have learned that I can love and care for someone without sex ever being involved.

I have come to accept that I am able to love and care about more than one man.  I have come to accept that although married, I do not need to believe in it to make it function in my life.

Finally, I have accepted that I will always be a seeker.  Always searching.

Married but Looking

I am surprised that you only noticed a few “married” men on here. There are almost as many as the singles, it just depends on how your profile is set up as to whether they show up as “matches” etc.

Married men typically are looking for something that they aren’t getting at home, and I will leave that up to your imagination as to what that might be. The married women on here are not much different in that they as well are looking for “pieces” of another to fill in gaps in their life with.

The married women are divided into two camps, those that are looking for passion, romance, understanding and feeling the “butterflies” again while still maintaining the household.

The second group are those that are looking to replace hubby with a new and improved version.

The men typically are different in that they have no intention of moving on if they find the perfect woman. The man needs a “home base” , a security blanket before he can go out and play. The men are typically only looking for the sexual aspect of a relationship and as well, typically, this will be more readily available from a stranger than their wives…or so the story goes.

Waiting Game

I will do my best to enlighten you.
First off, regardless of how much one tries to “look for” or “find” a friend in the sense that I envision…they will fail. The friendship I envision will come about gradually, it may end up being with someone I least expected. It could also be wrought with seemingly insurmountable odds that would prevent further development.

Rather than looking, I am waiting without anticipation for that “special” person to come into my life. If she does…great…and if she does not…I will survive. There is a desire…but not a desperate need.

POF is not the kind of place one might seek true friendship and spiritual bonding but it may be the place that I find it.

Maybe you are that person.

If I don’t put forth some effort into learning what the other is “really” about I will have no “opportunity”, so I create that opportunity whenever I can. Over the last 8 years I have tried many different sites but none seem to be much different than the next. I will “logistically” have the same chance of meeting the right person while shopping for vegetables at Loblaws as I will on here or anywhere else. I am seeking a certain “type” of person but not in the typical way that one would “typecast” . I am looking for a connection from the inside out.

How is my search going? It is not going well at all. I find that I most likely throw most of the women that I converse with off…way off. It requires a certain amount ( a great amount ) of thinking and more so “feeling” outside of the box than most are willing to comprehend. It is not what most women are looking for…they are looking for the security that “one” person and one relationship brings. Most are not emotionally capable of carrying on this sort of relationship even if they have an interest. Many have no problem looking for what is missing at home (passion, excitement, sparks, butterflies…in other words romance and sex…with another but the idea of having a full relationship concurrent to their day-to-day one is pure science fiction.

Why not stay in a state of perpetual friendship? That I think would be impossible. It seems impossible to curb human nature, emotion and the inevitable magnetic draw that the sexes impose on one another. In my experience, it has been difficult for the woman in my hypothetical relationship to stay “compartmentalized”. In the few times where I thought I had met someone that understood what I envisioned…they wanted to change the rules and be “more than friends”. What I am looking for is more than friends…but if you take this “relationship” and make it the “one” it will eventually erode into the same situation you find yourself in right now. In general there is most likely not a big difference between your husband or me…if I became your husband I would eventually be in the same spot years from now.
Also I don’t think that what you are experiencing HAS to be the ultimate outcome. The true and deep intimacy that you speak of SHOULD be shared with someone that you are deeply in love with but reality is much different than the fairy tale outlook on “true love”. Hypothetically speaking, IF one could find a person that they could be their true selves with, share every intimate detail of their life with that other person and be accepted without judgement..that would be perfect. If a person could be in a relationship with this person and be allowed the freedom to stay who they are without being moulded in a new and improved version…that would be perfect…but perfection doesn’t happen in typical relationships. Years of changing or veiling one’s “true” self to suit the other, to make them “happy”, to avoid sleeping on the couch leaves the participants “lost” and they wish that someone would just let them “be” rather than carrying on the act that they are expected to present to the world.
I have not given up hope of finding all that I seek in one person BUT she is not my current partner AND when I find this woman I will not be leaving my current partner for her. There is a movie from the 70s called “Same Time Next Year” with Alan Alda. That is the situation I seek. True uncompromised love between two persons that were not married to one another. They let their friendship (intimate relationship) add to the overall positive in their respective lives and had a better overall life because of it.

My current partner is the best I have ever known. Between us we have the “stuff” that can make for a long enjoyable relationship. What she doesn’t have is a great sense of creativity or a philosophical outlook as much as I do. She is happy with black or white whereas I know there is a million shades of grey in between.
An intimate relationship.  A long-term affair.
Question? When do you know that your drinking or gambling is a problem? Answer: When it starts to affect your life. When it starts to deter from the flow and enjoyment of your day-to-day lifestyle including those that are bound to you.
So when does an intimate relationship with another become a problem? When it starts to affect your day to day life. Draw the line, keep it for what it is, accept it for what it isn’t…enjoy the emotion, the connection, the feeling of belonging…just keep it under control.
The point is…as soon as you cross the line, the one where you start looking at your “intimate friend” as being a great potential replacement for “hubby” it no longer works. As soon as you start this new life the cycle restarts and in the future one or both of you will be on some dating site…just wondering what else is out there…

It DID work for me once in my life…I don’t know if it might again…

Love Incorporated

It is my opinion that; no, we cannot be 100% happy with one person all of the time…forever.  Even for some like my parents that have been together for 50 years, there have been periods of less-than-perfect, but never resulting in a separation or straying (that I am aware of).

The big difference today is that we are:
1.    More aware of our options.
2.    Have more options to choose from.

In the past, relationships stayed together because they “had” to.  There were not a great number of opportunities to look outside of the box in which the couple lived their lives.  So today, we may feel less than 100% happy and we change our direction, sometimes with someone new in the hope that we might maintain a close to 100% happiness.

Human natures lies to our inner psyche when we meet someone new.  When you find “Mr. Right”…everything is great 100% and bit by bit over time the percentage drops. We are designed to have tremendous attraction to another while blocking any “negatives” that may try and cloud our vision of  bliss. This initial infatuation, the “in awe” stage will last 18-36 months and that is it.  There is a chemical imbalance in our brains when we “fall in love” and over time it wears away.

There are many that are in love with being “in love”.  They are infatuation junkies.  They love the high that being “in love” brings.  They love the feeling of being 100% happy.  Just like drugs though, the high wears off.  A perpetual chasing of that high can also lead to addiction problems as well, where they are constantly changing their life, their partners in order to keep the excitement level high. If we stay the course with one person, the thrill of being in love wears away and we are left with a person that:

A.    We love….or
B.    We don’t even know.

Over the years as I have studied relationships and how they work and more importantly how David fits in, I have come up with some opinions as to how things CAN work. I would consider myself to be an infatuation (in love) junkie.  Like an alcoholic I realize this, and conduct myself accordingly.

1.    Falling in love is easy (providing there is the right chemistry), loving someone is a lot more difficult.  We tend to group the falling and being in love as part of the same process when in fact they are very different.  The falling in love part (which is an instinct designed for mating) comes naturally and sometimes we don’t have direct control over our feelings and emotions in this regard. Loving someone is a choice, we do have control over it and it does require effort, there is no magic to it. Many time after the “in love” stage wanes we find ourselves unhappy because we are no longer “high”.  Being in love makes us feel good, loving someone doesn’t really have any direct exciting returns so we start looking again.  Looking at this another way, being “in love” allows us to be lazy and we receive all of the good feelings naturally.  Loving someone requires a high level of tolerance and there must be a direct desire to love that person, in other words it is work.
2.    A relationship with another is even more complex than love itself and given all of the points that must be mutually satisfied in order for said relationship to work; it is not surprising that many fail.
3.    A good relationship requires a balance of love and business.  You can love someone but how they conduct their life within “your” life can make or break the relationship. There has to be a high level of compatibility to make things work, yet enough difference to make things less boring.
4.    My present relationship has a great balance of all of the aspects that are important to me and through discussion, I feel are important to her as well.  We are on the “same page” and have all the right ingredients for a good long-term relationship.  She is a “good” person and provides equal input into the relationship. We are very compatible and neither of us is extreme in any way.
5.    I already know that one person cannot fulfill my “needs”.  I am not talking about happiness as much as I am talking about satisfaction.  I am happy when I am eating but satisfied when full.  My partner would have no understanding, no interest in discussing love or any other intangible for instance.  I have a choice therefore to talk only with myself in this regard or discuss with another.

I do believe that we can greatly increase our chances of being happy with one person if we:
1.    Never fall in love with them or if we do, deal with it in a responsible manner and not allow ourselves to fall into the “infatuation” trap. It is ok to love the other but there is a tendency to try and make this relationship the “primary” one and soon we are out again trying to escape the status quo we create for ourselves.  Once again to love another is different than being “in love” with that person.
2.    Never live with the other person.  Living together requires compromise and that compromise means we are veiling our true selves to suit the other.  We are lying to keep the peace.  An example is, I like to smoke once in a while.  My partner hates smoking…so I quit.  Any chance I have when I am alone (long drives on a sales trip) I will indulge.  I am doing what I want, not to an extreme but in the process I am lying to her.  If one has a relationship with someone and they don’t have to compromise to any great extent (they accept the other for who they are) then there is far greater chance for them to be happy in the presence of the other as they are allowed to be themselves.

I have found through my personal experience that these relationships are far more fulfilling and last much longer than the ones that we typically think will. The unorthodox friendship on the side ends up being more intimate than the day-today one.  The only reason that my past “off the record” friendships (relationships) failed was because one or the other changed the rules, let emotions overcome common sense etc.  If the two persons involved can keep the course and not allow emotion, especially the negatives, interfere in their bond, I do believe they can have a happy co-dependant relationship that may last indefinitely.

Are all of the gentlemen taken?

Yes and no. Most of the so called gentlemen that you speak of are taken as in married at our age.
Don’t take this the wrong way. It is a sad but true look at the reality of long term male/female relationships and how our view of life is so different.
My wife and I had been married for about 15 years and I park on a side street to run into the bank. When I come back there is a man getting into the car in front of us with a big bouquet of flowers. My wife remarks in “that” tone…”Must be nice, when was the last time YOU bought ME flowers”
My response was, “Somewhere around the last time you gave me a blowjob”

Romance (regardless of how the different sexes see it) is role-playing. All of the nice things he does for you are to make you happy…so that you will make him happy. It is all about sex when it comes right down to it. It isn’t quite that black and white thankfully but it is about sex. If it were not we would most likely keep to our own kind, as the same sex is far more understanding of our confusion with the opposite sex…understand?

Does it ever come back? I don’t think so, unless there is a deliberate attempt at creating it. People can role-play kinky fantasies in the bedroom and I for one believe that romance can be role-played as well. That is what affairs are. You and I can have a very romantic affair with all of the passion that you can imagine BUT it is a play because we cannot take it further. The big difference between you and I and you and hubby is chemistry, moreso chemicals. Initial attraction is wrought with chemical highs that over time wear off. Most of us love the feeling of “being in love” more than “love” itself. Being in love is self-propelled whereas love requires work.

Most of the married women on here are seeking and escape filled with all of the benefits a gentleman can offer. They want to be put on a pedestal again, they want to be treated like they are special, they are the only one. They want the car door held and they would love to receive flowers.

The man, he wants to feel special too. He wants what he doesn’t get at home too!

She will get her flowers and he will get what he desires…It will all be perfect in the vacuum they create for themselves. Just don’t let reality know what they are up to.

Strangers on the net

So you find that responses from online “meeting” places to be rather sporadic as best. I have been on and off these sites for as long as you have been married. In that time I have been looking for different versions of the same person. Sometimes I have been lucky and other times not. The fact is that I have always hoped to find a person that I could share a friendship with over the long run and that never happened.

In the last few years I have found that people are more interested in the attention they receive from strangers rather than being anything close to serious about finding anyone specific.
My situation at the present time is quite different than most. I was married for 15 years and my wife had an affair. That was the start of an adventure into uncharted, somewhat unwelcome territory within my life and relationships. The extreme positive of the journey was that I found out a lot about myself, I enjoyed a lot of personal and social growth and I no longer feel lost and lonely in this world.

Some things I have learned that are very important to me, so that I do not become lost or lonely again are:

(1) One person cannot be everything to me, yet most significant others want to be everything. It is a delicate situation trying to keep the balance in this regard.

(2) I need to be able to be true self with someone and that someone may not be my wife, actually most likely will not be my wife.

The situation I have now is this. The person that is me, the person you will hopefully get to know is one person on the outside and another within. A little more than a year ago I met a woman and now we live together with 3-5 kids depending on the day of the week. We just bought a house in Aurora and things are the best they have ever been as far as a typical matrimonial relationship goes.
I am everything to her (so she says)…and I already know that she cannot be everything to me. Is that a problem or is it a blessing that I know this and can compensate accordingly?

So why can she or anyone else in that position not be everything to me?; because when you live with someone you “adapt” to your environment, you “compromise” to keep the peace, you “alter” your outwards personality to suit the other, the family, the house, the dog. The truth is, over time you will ultimately completely veil the real person that is you. One day you will realize this…and you will find yourself feeling “lost”.
Lost in that you know who you are but do not really know the stranger that you have become. You have lost yourself.
You may also feel “lonely”. Lonely because how are you ever going to find anyone to talk to about feeling lost?
Who is going to understand what you are feeling, what you are saying? Does anyone even really care?

We tend to embrace this veiling of our true selves in the beginning. We do whatever we can to make our partner see us in a positive light. We do whatever it takes to get the house, raise the kids and feed the fish. Whatever it takes….right?

Unfortunately I think that this altering of our core personality to suit the greater good is unavoidable. If you listen to a relationship councilor they will tell you to be totally honest with your partner, yet I find this is the most difficult person to be totally honest with. I am not talking about being truthful as in lying or not lying. I am talking about sharing your “truth” being you “true” self with you significant other. It is very difficult. I hope that you understand what I mean but will give you some detail if you would like some examples.

I have spent the bulk of the last ten years studying the psychology of relationships, sometimes in practice but more often in theory. I have had the opportunity to speak to many that have shared with me the same story as yours. I have “walked” with a few, have seen them regain their independence, find themselves again, even fall in love and move on. I tend to end up being a “big brother” or Dr. Phil in these situations…never finding someone for me, yet hopefully helping someone with their situation none-the-less.

Forever seeking

Here I am, seeking quite possibly the most important person in my life with the same positive attitude that will have me winning the lottery this week. Fat chance! I am seeking one that is turning out to be one very elusive special person. A special relationship; one where we travel through our lives “together”. Perhaps, not always sitting beside each other, but still always holding hands. Hoping there will be many times, throughout our journey, we get the opportunity to sit in that next seat.

I should also make it known that while I say seeking, I am not actively looking. I am waiting for the right person to come into my life…”unexpectedly”. I am only writing this to you in case you were unaware that I am open to this great “happening” in my life and were sitting back waiting in the same manner. You are most likely not going to win the lottery either, so rather than us both waiting for something great to happen, start typing a hello and let’s see what happens.

I am hoping to ultimately find myself in a long-term, mentally and emotionally stimulating, open-minded and fulfilling affair with a happily-married woman. (Try saying that three times fast…!!)

I wish to develop an intimate connection that possibly surpasses yet never directly interferes with your day-to-day life. I envision a connection more spiritual than physical and more intellectual than sexual; a mutually desired relationship concurrent to our respective lives, not a replacement for only the dull spots in your present one. I am looking for a woman that has the ability to look outside of the box while looking deeper within her own self at the same time.

The person that I am seeking…and have been seeking for a long time should possess the following traits and should subsequently be expecting something similar.

• You are married or in a similar committed relationship and while you realize it isn’t always ideal and imperfect by proxy, you are happy being in that relationship for what it is.

• Your primary relationship is not one where you are only committed to your house, car and 2.5 kids, wish to keep it all but still want excitement on the side. Nor is it one where you are tired of living with the loser you thought was Mr. Right and now you are seeking a new loser. You are married and you are staying married for better or for worse. What you are seeking on here is separate and distinct from your day-to-day life.

• You are ok with your relationship but understand that one person cannot fulfill all of your needs. While some understand this concept hypothetically, they never follow through with the practical side, whereas you have the desire to find out for yourself.

• You are not actively looking for someone that only fulfils checkboxes on your wish list and you realize you cannot find what you seek off the shelf like when you shop at Wal-mart.

• While you enjoy the freedom of thinking and acting outside of the box, thrill-seeking where there is a potential to cause embarrassment or harm to your family is not on your agenda.

• You like to have something to yourself, a personal secret. Although it may not be the “right” thing to do you personally feel comfortable with having a “friend” and the secrecy adds to the excitement. This person is “your” friend…you don’t have to share. It may be possible that just having this secret admirer in your life will quell your inner desire to be somewhat “naughty”.

• While you understand the possible consequences of embarking on a journey beyond the status quo…the tingle of excitement this possibility presents is too much to overlook.

• You are aware of your own sexuality and find you have a greater desire for teasing, anticipation and sexual tension than instant gratification. You are not seeking another for sex, you want a relationship that has substance and meaning.

• You are seeking one person to develop a close, intimate relationship with…where trust, sincerity, commitment and the ability to openly communicate is more important than jumping one another just for the fun of it.

To recap, I am not looking for a typical affair but none-the-less looking for a mutually fulfilling situation that exists parallel to our present ones.
I don’t need another in my life…I desire another. If you can comprehend how needing and wanting differ…we already have a good start.

Not quite finished yet….(and you thought men always talk in two word sentences)

Over and above my “need” to have a girlfriend and friends or any combination of these, I have a “desire” to have a special friend that is over and above everything else; one person that I could just be myself with. You know yourself that in a “normal” relationship our “real” selves get twisted over time to suit the other and the better good. I’m sure there have been many times where you have wanted to talk to someone and just be yourself in the process, and your boyfriend/husband wouldn’t do. Having an psychologically, intellectually and emotionally intimate friend but with enough of a gap to allow the freedom of being yourself would be fantastic…but such persons do not exist…do they?.

In the fairy tales, the soul mates meet and live happily ever after. In real life I don’t necessarily feel it works that way. We are involved in relationships for a variety of reasons, but having a connection that surpasses the typical, a bonding of souls, may not happen between lovers in a typical sense. It may happen between two strangers that met on the internet, regardless of their differences found some synergy in thoughts and feelings. Though they have their own lives and must look away from the other from time-to-time, they always have the other within them.

ok…now I am finished….your turn…
If you have any interest and would like to know more about what I am thinking, please say hello.