Can’t Put Humpty Dumpty Together Again

Once something has been broken, no matter how hard you try to fix it, it will never be the same again.  It will never work the same again.  And you need to make adjustments as to how you will use it, have it, or work with it.  Or you decide to just throw it out and buy new.

The same goes for relationships.  Or rather, marriages.  Once something breaks.  Whether that be trust, love, respect, affection, attention, growth, or what have you – once it’s gone, or broken, it’s changed forever.

A friend of mine had an affair which her husband discovered.  He was willing to work things out and she was as well.  They were going to rebuild the trust in the marriage, rebuild the love.  They went to countless hours of counseling. Did countless hours of talking with each other and spending time together.  After about a year, I asked her how it was going.  She said to me, that she was trying really hard but she would never get the love back that she had for him.  So, she chose to live with the broken marriage – with allowing her husband to love her but her not able to give that love back, but rather wanting to give it to someone else.  I’m not judging her for doing this.  Do I think she’s a hero?  Or strong? No, I think she made the best decision for herself – or rather, she thinks she has made the right decision and if she can live with it and he can live with it, then it’s okay to make the adjustment and work with what she has.

That does not work for me in the same way.  It could be because I view marriage very differently now than I did when I was in my late twenties and got married.  At that time is was going to be forever.  Not only was it going to be forever, it was going to be forever wonderful.  How wrong wrong wrong I was!  I never imagined that I would be carrying my husband throughout our marriage.  I never imagined that I would not be walking side by side with him.  I never imagined that I would stop loving him.  I never imagined that I would be silently screaming for attention, for affection, for caring, for love.

Marriage is not meant for a lifetime.  Sure, back in the day when humans died at age 45 it was easier to be married for a lifetime.  Your lifetime was pretty darn short.  By the time your kids were 13 or 14, they were gone and out of the house and you were pretty close to the end of your life.

My theory is that the duration of a relationship – such as marriage – probably expires after about 14 years.  Here’s why.  Back in the day a person would be wed by the time they were 15.  Children would come right away and the couple would raise their children for say, 15 years, which takes them to age 30.  The children would leave the house, the parents would live long enough to possibly see grandchildren and then their life would be over.  No time to wonder whether they had married the right person, because all of their time is spent working, raising the kids, working and making ends meet.

Fast forward to the 21st Century.  By the time we are fifteen, we’re still babies.  Even at 25 we’re still possibly in school or in some sort of training.  Our heads are filled with so much media crap and how we should or shouldn’t be; should or shouldn’t love; that by the time we get married, we aren’t marrying for any other reason other than because we think we’re in love – rather than asking those tough questions.  We easily forget that love doesn’t last forever.  People change – love changes – and if you don’t change along the same path, you go off on different paths.  This doesn’t make you a bad person.  It makes you human.  For to stand still and not grow is unhealthy for the spirit.  And if you grow, and your partner does not, they are like an anchor holding you in one spot.

Ah, but then the complicating factors are the children.  And the life you have built – the house, the cars, the intermingling of families.  If we could only detach ourselves from all of that, and accept that a marriage should only last approximately 10 to 15 years – we’d all be better for it.  Unfortunately, Ego gets mixed up in all of this too.

Kids from divorced families would not be so screwed up (not all of them are, I know!), cause the parents would be able to deal with the split in a logical way and know from the get go what the deal was.  Kids wouldn’t think it’s their fault cause they know there is an expiry time on the marriage – an end date – and they would accept it as the norm.

In my life, I’ve compromised my happiness for a long time and stayed in a marriage I am not happy with.  My husband has not grown with me, I’ve had to drag him or carry him every step of the way and he’s still way way way back there cause sometimes I just didn’t have the strength to carry him along.  Does this mean I dislike him?  No, I accept him as a good friend.  As a good team member in helping raise our children, that we BOTH brought into this world.  His job helps pay the mortgage that puts a roof over our children’s heads and food on the table.  I have adjusted the way I live my life and seek out other types of relationships that fulfill the needs that he cannot possible fulfill.  We don’t have an open marriage – we actually don’t really have a marriage in the traditional sense.

One day I may find the courage to walk away and finally accept and help him to accept that you can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

And for those couples who live a long and happy marriage that lasts 25 or 50 or 60 years – hats off to them; they either stood still or were able to walk side by side down the path of life and grow together – understand the change that love takes, embrace it and accept it.

Judgement Day

The strangest thing happened on the way to the market…wait, no, that’s not what I want to post today!  Today’s post is challenging for me to write, or rather put into words.  It’s challenging because it is going to sound as though I have changed my views on affairs or rather rationalizing certain behaviour, which I have not and am not; it is hard to put into words because it deals with some strong emotions that have come up – quite suddenly it seems.  So, bear with me as I bare my soul.

A friend of mind has announced her engagement.  It will be her second marriage.  She’s been divorced less than a year.  When she told me, I was a little surprised – but nonetheless I am happy for her.  Everyone deserves to pursue their happiness.  As we spoke of her upcoming marriage, discussion her ex-husband came up, and intermingled within the entire discussion, the success of a popular adult cheating site came up and the morality of running such a business.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of guilt came over me.  Not guilt in the sense of getting caught.  Not even guilt in the sense that I have been pursuing an activity which has the potential to hurt people who do not deserve to be hurt.  But guilt of the morality kind.

But even different than that.  I suddenly felt and understood I think, that if others knew about my philandering ways (way way exaggeration here!  As I am far from being a philanderer) they would judge me.  In judging me on this one thing – cheating – it would negate all the good things that I am.  All the positive things that I do.  All the affirmative things I have done.  All the loving things I believe in.  All the joy I have brought forth.  All the wisdom I have shared.

But in judging me on this one issue, they would not be asking me what my motivation was in pursuing a relationship with a man who is not my husband.  They would not be interested in the reasons I choose to cheat rather than leave my current marriage. They would simply label me a “cheater”; a “home wrecker”  a “whore”.   They would simply judge and be satisfied that in their judgement they are better than me, or rather, “gooder” than me – because in their judgement I am bad.

I am none of those things – okay, well I am a cheater.  I have not wrecked any one’s home – including my own.  I live in a loving family unit.  I show my husband commitment and I put my children above all else.  However being human I need to leave room for me. I need to carve out a piece of sanity; joy; happiness and intimacy for me.  I fulfill the needs of my family.  I fulfill the desires they ask of me.  I guide my children in the direction of being loving and caring participants in life.  I have guided my husband out of a deep depression and helped him cope with his mental illness.  I have supported him financially and emotionally, without complaint.  I have put my heart and soul into a marriage that left me feeling a deep sense of loneliness, sadness and powerlessness.  But I did not leave.  I chose not to leave as it would have done him and my children more harm than me good.  I chose the path of doing less harm.  This does not make me a heroic martyr.  This makes me human.

In judging, no one would ask about the the fears and anxieties that I could not discuss with my closest partner, my husband, because he admittedly is incapable of offering that emotional support to me.  In judging, they would see me as wanting sexual variety – not spiritual connection.

In judging, they would not ask what type of extramarital relationship I sought.  They would assume what it looks like.

Am I rationalizing my behaviour?  Most would say yes.  And in a way I probably am.  But in my heart I know I am a good person.  A good mother.  And yes, a good wife.

From the sum of my experiences – having been cheated on; having given myself totally; having loved; having been hurt; having endured the absolute loneliness that comes from dealing with mental illness of the person who is to stand side by side with you, but having to carry them emotionally – I have grown into the person I am today and will continue to grow.

I should not care that others will judge me if they knew; and I will continue not to judge others.

Good Ole Days are Just that for a Reason

For whatever reason, people in my life – new and old – seem to sense a certain characteristic in me that allows them to feel comfortable in disclosing their innermost secrets and desires to me, especially when it comes to their infidelity or thoughts of it (I have never disclosed mine however).  Although there are times where I welcome this and it makes me feel honoured, most of the time it is quite stressful in that I begin to care too deeply about helping them out of the turmoil they have created.

It has taken me some time to realize that in their disclosure, these friends aren’t asking me to fix their problem, but rather they see in me a non-judgemental, sounding board.  Someone that they can disclose this information to and know that rather than judge them, I will offer words that may help them out of their crisis or simply words that act as a balm to their pain.  This is less stressful for me as I no longer carry that imaginary burden of having to “fix” their problems.  Before I offer advice, I listen for the words, “Can you help me?  What is your advice?  What should I do?”  If I do not hear those words, I simply listen.  Although there are times where I need to bite my tongue as I hear things that I know will lead to much heartbreak and pain for them and those in their lives.

Over the past several years – and with the popularity of such sites as Facebook and MySpace – I have reconnected with some old friends.  The beauty of these sites is that you can choose who to reconnect with and who not to reconnect with.  Some individuals are making the mistake of reconnecting with old flames, hoping to rekindle the imaginary magic that was present when they were in their teens, late teens or early 20’s.  These relationships are doomed to failure for the simple reason that in our teens, late teens and early 20s, the magic was our hormones and ego development!  The magic was created through our trying to discover who we were and in that discovery we were able to try on different personalities (Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist describes this in his 8 stages of personality development – http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/erickson.shtml).  Note:  I chose to site Erikson here, not because I am a fan of his, but rather because he seems to offer a very simple explanation of the stages of personality development.  There are other personality and developmental psychologists who offer other explanations – some similar and some different.

One such acquaintance of mine who has reconnected with an old girlfriend from high school – both are now married to different people – are finding how unrealistic it is to try to rekindle the past.  In their current extra-marital affair, as they try to rekindle what was in the past, they are coming across the same obstacles that created the break up in the first place.  Only now, these characteristics in each of them are that much more ingrained, that the arguments are more heated; the jealousy more intense and their egos that much bigger.  Should they carry on with this affair, and see it to the end (he has confided in me that he has every intention of leaving his wife and children for this woman when he is able) they will eventually find that they cannot make it work.  Why?  Because if they could, they would never have broken up in the first place, oh so many years ago.  They will continue to create these dramas in their lives.

There was a reason why you break up with old loves.  Why would you want to rekindle that?  Some people will say because they need closure.  Closure?  It’s a farce – in our 40s we are beginning to really recognize that we are not immortal and that death is inevitable.  Yes of course we know this all our lives, but in our adolescent years, in our youth we are indestructible and as we enter our forties and watch parents of friends pass away and possibly our own parents pass away, we realize that the end of life is closer than ever.  And so, why not bring back those old emotions from those carefree days?  The unfortunate thing is that we are very different people now than we were then – some of us have grown in a more positive direction and grown up and cast aside those old personality traits that did not serve us well.  Some of us have not changed very much, nor have we grown very much, and still hang on to the drama that we so craved and enjoyed in our youth.

Another individual in my circle of friends, I was surprised to learn, is questioning her marriage.  Is trying to decide whether to stay married or not and has begun seeking fulfillment on line.  Why?  Because she wonders if there is something better out there.  Being new to the on-line experience, she fell for the first person she met – on an adult dating site.  I don’t think it ever occurred to her that the person on the other end of the chat line was only looking for sex and when this became the reality, she was devastated.  She is now repeating the same thing.

And yet another person I know, in his 40s, is also seeking to rekindle an old love.

I have had fantasies of rekindling an old love.  I have googled him and know exactly how to connect with him.  I also know that he would probably welcome contact from me.  However, I am a different person now and I have no desire to go back to the person I was then.  I’d rather look forward to fresh experiences and growth.  Trying to re-ignite something that lost its flame long ago is only asking to move backwards.

All fires, although rekindleable, will eventually burn out to nothing but black soot.

Forever is a Long Time

I was discussing the divorce case about the doctor who wants compensation from his wife for the kidney he donated (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7818751.stm) and although what that has to do with his gaining more access to his children I have no idea. Seems to me, that it’s most likely – as in a lot of these nasty divorces – a case of the Ego taking control and continuing to remind the person that they deserve revenge for hurting them (the Ego). Or, it could be lawyers who have bungled the whole thing by pitting each spouse against the other (rubbing salt in the wounds) – wanting as many billable hours as they can – and now rather than having it out with his lawyers, the guy is going to make “his ex wife pay.”

The real story will probably never be known – after all, the media is involved! And, the truth has three sides any way.

I have been through a break up – okay, not a divorce but the break up of a long and committed relationship – and when the relationship ended (I posted about the reasons in the Question For You section of this blog -“Have you ever been cheated on?”) there were monetary and material goods to be divided. We did not involve lawyers. Yes there was bitterness and anger. My ego and self-esteem were totally attacked and yes I wanted revenge – but I didn’t act on those things. I don’t have it in me to “make someone pay” for hurting me. After all, they did what they did – it is what it is – and rather than staying stagnant in that place of hurt and anger, I’d rather move on. I’d rather step aside the shit and leave it behind me.

Fast forward to today. I now have children that come into the equation if we were to divorce. I know that there is not a single thing, (outside of abuse of my children or me) that my husband could do that I would want to take revenge on him in a monetary or material way; nor would I use the children as leverage. I can honestly and confidently say that he feels the same way. We’ve discussed it at length over the years. There was a time where we considered separating and made a plan. The potential separation was due to the fact that I was feeling overwhelmed and tired of being a caregiver as opposed to a wife and he recognized this, albeit could do very little about it given the circumstances. After sleeping on the plan for a few days, we decided that it made more sense for the separation not to take place. We both respect each other; care for each other. Staying together is doing the least harm for all involved.

The comment came up during our discussion around this “kidney-giver-now-i-want-it-back-guy” that if he and I were to ever divorce, we would definitely not involve lawyers to any great extent other than to make it legal, nor would we be unfair to each other – it would more than likely be an amicable separating. It’ll never happen to us though – we will never divorce – is what he said.

I’m not so sure. I am sure that he and I will be friends till death, but whether I will continue sharing my life with him once my children have grown and left the nest, that is a question that will be answered then. Not because I don’t care for him – but I have spent over 15 years with him – I say another 10 is possible, but another 30 is improbable.

Improbable because it does not seem natural to me to commit the rest of my life, till death, to only one person. It really has little to do with boredom, and more to do with growth – or rather, expansion of my soul. It has nothing to do with commitment. I have committed a certain portion of my life to live in the same home with a man and raise our children and build something for that amount of time. When the time comes to build something else – whether alone or with someone else – there will be no drama or hate. Just a logical decision based on the caring we shared in the past and respect for each other’s future.

People do some awful things during a divorce. I have yet to be able to wrap my head around how you can go from loving someone to hating and wanting to hurt them, especially when you choose the children to do this – the most precious and innocent in all of it – but the ones who pay the biggest price.

Perhaps there wasn’t love there to begin with and it was all an illusion.

A New Year….A Continuing Search

Over the past couple of weeks of holidays, in between family dinners and wrapping and unwrapping gifts, I found myself wondering why I wasn’t “missing anyone” over these holidays.  It was not a negative feeling but rather a calm and peaceful feeling.

Over the past 10 or so years of my married life, I have in one way or another, been involved with someone.  Men who were not my husband.  Whether those secret relationships were strictly email friendships, friendships without sex, or lovers, there has always been someone I thought about and missed over the holidays.

Not this year.  I thought about each man who, although no longer a part of my life, had made an impression on me over the past ten years; I could not say that I missed any of them.  I do think of them fondly and wish only good things for them, but I didn’t miss them.  I don’t miss them.

This was an almost liberating feeling.  In those moments of reflection I realized that my attachment to love and infatuation, is waning.  What a great way to start 2009!

Notice I did not say the attachment is gone.  I know myself well enough to know that I will always be attached/addicted on some level to love, falling in love, being infatuated.  Who wouldn’t be?  It’s an amazing feeling to love someone.  To know that someone loves you.  To be attracted to someone and to know someone is attracted to you.  To share stories; thoughts; philosophies and see that familiar look of validation from the other person and to be able to give that same validation back.

However, in those thoughts I also recognized that the searching for that one special person, will continue on.  It is in the searching that I have learned so much about myself, about others and about love and caring and forgiveness.   Perhaps it is the searching I’m attached to?

I have learned that I do not need to be loved nor to love another to have great sex.  I have learned that I can love and care for someone without sex ever being involved.

I have come to accept that I am able to love and care about more than one man.  I have come to accept that although married, I do not need to believe in it to make it function in my life.

Finally, I have accepted that I will always be a seeker.  Always searching.

I’m Not Your Mother…

Why do men tend to marry women who are like their mothers?  Cause they want to be “taken care of” under the guise of “doing the taking care of.”

Seriously, we do not want to be mothers to you.  We do not want to continually nag you to shovel the snow, pick up your socks, put away your shoes, close the cupboard doors, put away your stuff when you’re done playing with it.

But we do.

We have to cause if we didn’t nothing would get done and that rash you’ve been complaining about would spread!  Nevermind the fact that we would probably go insane.

Honestly, do men really believe that women like to nag?  Hell no!  We have to nag cause if we didn’t nag you would never go to the doctor to get that huge growth on your ass checked out.

If we didn’t nag our houses would be over-run with empty beer bottles and pizza boxes.  Our toilet seats would be rotted through by your urine – your aim is as terrible as your abiity to organize a simple stack of bills.  And, if we didn’t nag even just a little, we’d never be able to track down that unbearable odour coming from the closet or laundry room.

Listen up guys – when you get married, you aint marrying your mom so pull your weight or deal with the nagging.  It’s not about getting some (sex) or not getting some (sex); it’s about doing your share of the stuff.  It’s about equal partnership.

If you wanted someone to clean up after you and blow your nose – you should never have left home.

Random Thursday Thoughts…but still Logical

My first affair came about by accident. By accident, I mean I wasn’t seeking or actively searching for an affair. Actually, I wasn’t even contemplating an affair.

It was a time in my marriage, and in my life, where I was so desperately lonely and unhappy, but should have been on top of the world! Chat was fairly new on the Internet. Never mind, the World Wide Web was just beginning to take off and explode and I had a lot of time on my hands so I found a friendly “chat room” and started to make some cyber-friends. Amongst those cyber-friends emerged one individual who captured my heart and held onto it for close to 5 years.

Although we didn’t have a physical relationship, the deep friendship that developed between us lasted for over 10 years. In those ten years we did meet in person and did “consummate” the relationship.

While I was in the “relationship” to me he was the perfect man. He was going to make me happy, he was my knight in shining armor coming to save me from this lonely life I had. He completed me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Not about him – he is truly a wonderful human being!

But about me.

No one can make you happy. Happiness comes from within. No one can make you complete. Among other capacities, you are born with the capacity for completeness – you just need to choose it. Much like my co-author speaks about “choosing to fall in love”, you choose to be happy or you choose to be miserable. You choose to be complete or choose to be incomplete. No one can make you anything unless you choose to let them.

Yes but, “my wife is such a nag, she makes my life miserable.” Ahhh, no, you are allowing her to make your life miserable. You are giving her the power to make you miserable. Rather than saying she’s nagging – ask yourself, what is she nagging about – because I’ll tell ya something, if it’s because you’re leaving your dirty socks on the bedroom floor, or your shoes are never put away – THIS is important to her. It may not be to you, it probably isn’t cause really, who cares where you put your shoes right? So rather than complain that she’s nagging – try LISTENING and DOING (takes less energy than complaining) what she’s asking you to do – or explain to her why you can’t (or you forget). Hey, if anything at least it’ll get the communication going right?

Then, work on completing yourself. Be the change that you want to see (can’t remember where I read that, but it’s profound – I think it may have been Gandhi). If you want to be spoken to nicely, don’t wait for it to happen before you start to speak nicely towards your spouse.

Too many marriages that I have seen are in some sort of power struggle. Living with that suitcase at the bottom of the stairs, hating every minute of it, growing angrier and angrier (in a passive aggressive way) towards your spouse, expending energy on how undesirable you can make that suitcase so that the other spouse gets fed up and finally puts it away, rather than using less energy to just put the damn thing away. (Referencing an episode of Everyone Loves Raymond).

It may not get you the fulfillment of that kinky sexual fantasy you’ve been having, but you will be surprised at how the dynamics of a relationship will change if you just put the suitcase away rather than waiting for your spouse to do it first so you can say “I win.”

The Spoiled Husband

I am not a statistician, nor do I follow stats very much. However, I’m willing to bet that there are about 5% of married women who would fit into my co-author’s definition of “The Pampered Wife.” And, of those 5%, I’m willing to bet 4% come from extremely wealthy families.

Doesn’t represent your “average” family does it?

The average nuclear family in North America will more than likely have a two-income household. Within that two income household, it’s very unlikely that the “wife” has time to think about being pampered, let alone be pampered.

Although stats are changing in the favour of men doing more of the “housework,” it generally remains the woman’s job. Cooking and planning family meals; often left to the woman. Being a taxi for your kids; often left to mom. Laundry; often left to wifey. Taking care of kids’ school stuff – from homework to interviews to filling out permission forms/donation forms – often left to mommy. Organizing family events or gatherings, often left to the little lady of the house.

So, after an average of an 8 hour day at the office, factory, hospital, drugstore, grocery store, retail store, or wherever a woman works, she can look forward to another 4 to 5 hours (on average) of work at her second job: Home.

If there are young children within the family – under 5 – she can also look forward to an average of a 2 to 3 hour nightshift, with frequent breaks to nap in between. The tasks involved in this attractive position may include, feeding baby, changing wet bed sheets, comforting a hysterical child after a nightmare, fetching glasses of water, letting the cat in, letting the dog out, holding the forehead of a vomiting child, and cleaning up the puke (kids don’t have that great an aim).

Somewhere in there you gotta fit in sex – not cause you have to – cause believe it or not guys, most women do enjoy sex – when we have the energy for it.

Wives have always contributed to the well being of the household – as my co-author indicated – by helping on the farm. “A man needed a wife as an equal partner.” Well yes of course, helping with the crops, feeding the animals, planting and sowing, cleaning and digging, building and sewing. Dinner still had to be made; laundry still had to be done; children still had to be tended to. And guess who did all of that?

So, back in the good ole days, after an average 12 hour work day on the farm, a woman could look forward to an additional 5 to 6 hours for her “other household chores” while her “hard working” husband sat in front of the fire smoking his pipe; or gathering with his male counterparts at the local watering hole talking politics.

A shame that men get so little in exchange for all their hard work.