Full of it

I received an email from a woman the other day that I hadn’t spoke to in a while and I suggested that she check out this blog.  After a few days she wrote me and said that her opinion of me had changed after reading the posts.  She stated that she didn’t realize before that I was so chauvinistic, so biased and “deranged” (that one hurt!)
The “truth” is that most of what is written by me in this blog is a glimpse of raw thought at any given time.  I could also assume if I were the one that just read some of the posts that the author:

•Has little or no respect for women
•Has a one track mind
•That he was somewhat eccentric in his thoughts
•That he has an acid tongue and a caustic sense of humor

My point is that in my original conversations with this woman, she didn’t get to see the “real” me.  The truth is nobody gets to see the real me.  You as a reader have the opportunity to read my “real” thoughts but in a day-to-day relationship with me as a person you would never see or hear most of what is written here.  Why?  Because if I said aloud what I have written here I would be very lonely (at the least) and might even suffer some physical harm.  In many cases what we think is better off being left in our heads, never documented and NEVER spoken aloud in the presence of others.  There is a BIG difference between thinking something and putting action behind that thought.  I might sound disrespectful and socially inept but the opposite is true

My “friend’s” new opinion of me should be expected…it is typical.  Most of us don’t say what we think…we keep it inside…where it belongs.  My boss is famous for saying his raw thoughts aloud and he has earned a reputation as an asshole.  Me,being more of the quiet type, would never be expected as possessing any real controversy in thought (from my outwards appearance) yet this blog speaks for itself.

We all have thoughts in our heads that may not be mainstream, may not appeal to or may be distasteful to those around us if they were uttered aloud, yet the thoughts are there.  I don’t care how good you are, how religious, how upstanding in your community, not all of your personal thoughts are something that you will want to freely share with the world.

You might try and think of some of my posts as being poop.  That’s right!… poop.  Foul and offensive and the content is typically something we would rather just keep out of sight.
We all have it in us, we all keep it private, we don’t talk about it OR write stories about it and we all want to get rid of it without much thought. This blog gives me the opportunity to say “aloud” some of the things that should NOT be said aloud.  It gives me the opportunity to put my poop on display…why should I keep it all to myself?  Don’t judge me as a person because of my poop.  I look and act the same way as you do on the outside and I KNOW you are just as full of it as I am.

Does this dress make me look fat?

Does this dress make me look fat?
The correct answer is NOT “Fatter than what?”
The best answer, if she is already in the dress, is “Hey, gorgeous, give me a kiss.” This is a diversion tactic on your part but if you respond in that way in under 0.5 seconds after she asked…she will buy it (your response AND the dress).

If she is thinking of buying the dress and actually requesting an opinion instead of looking for reassurance, be honest. That DOES NOT mean saying “Are you three months pregnant or just going heavy on the gravy?” however. Be NICE.

The problem that I have had with this scenario is that “she” always says she wants an honest opinion and yet gets upset when she is given one.  On the other hand, “his” little white lie can keep the smile on her face, so what does it hurt? If women in general would accept an honest answer to a question, then I am sure that most men would be more forthcoming in their replies.

In most cases I would have to say that I don’t care, unless I think that the dress looks completely awful on her.  More often it is the dress more than how it looks.  I don’t care how she looks…I can’t get past the fact that the fabric looks similar to the seat upholstery in my 72 Gremlin.

What I have found when giving a truthful answer is she will:

A) Argue the fact.
I say “It doesn’t suit you.”
She replies, “Why?”
I say, “It makes you look bigger than you actually are”
She says, “I don’t see that!” “Do you really think that I’m fat?”
I say, “Yes”
She says, “I am getting a headache”
I say, nothing…but I know I won’t be saying “oh baby” tonight either

The problem that I have found with the woman that argued the fact all of the time was also the one that was adamant that I give an HONEST answer.  The first time she got me, after that…I’m not stupid…just told her what she wanted to hear.

B) Accept what I say because she trusts my judgement.
This is new to me but my new wife actually respects my opinion when it comes to fashion and her fashion ability.

One more point is that a woman’s husband will be the most critical of her “shape”.  When I started dating my wife, she had the body of a Goddess, or so I was blinded into seeing.  A few years later and she looks a bit frumpier than I remember, yet she hasn’t gained any weight.  Why is this? I am more perceptive.

Larry, our neighbour sees my wife in the same light that I did when I first met her.  He certainly doesn’t look at her and think “That dress makes her look fat”…in his mind he has already discarded the dress, has her buck naked and they are doing the horizontal mambo. That’s the way that other guys think.

So the next time you want to hear an honest opinion about how a dress makes you look, go and ask someone else’s husband.  He will lie to you with a straight face AND if you stand in front of him long enough…he might even smile.

Looking Good – What I find Attractive in a Woman

I read a post the other day regarding a woman’s ideals of attractiveness in a man.  You can read her post here:
http://evalawrie.wordpress.com/2008/12/11/my-qualities-of-attractive-men/
I decided that I would write what I found to be attractive in a woman.  Right off the bat there was a major difference in our perceptions of “attractiveness.”
If you asked me what I find attractive in a woman, what attracts me to a woman I would say (in no particular order)

1.Her eyes
2.Her Hair
3.Her hip to waist ratio
4.Her Butt
5.The way that she moves a combination of the above in a seemingly natural way in order to produce a completely irrational response of artificial pleasure from within me.

In her post, this woman listed attributes such as intelligence and athleticism as “attractive”.  Then I started to understand where she was going with this.  She meant attractive overall, all-encompassing, not just the T&A part of a male’s typical description of attractive. Ok, I can do that….I think.

Let’s try again.

My list of qualities that I deem to be attractive in a woman:

1.Intelligence
A woman, a person that lacks intelligence will not go far with me.  The attraction to the outer cover wanes, sometimes quickly and there has to be substance within to keep me interested.  As well, people that lack knowledge, or they are ignorant when it comes to certain things, but are eager to learn are also far more attractive than someone that is “stupid”.

2.Humour (a sense of)
This is an interesting attribute.  I would have to say that in my life I have met few “funny” women, or at least women that share a similar sense of humour with me.  My humour tends to be witty and acidic and most women I know don’t go to the same extremes.  What is important to me (what I find attractive) is someone that possesses the “open-mindedness” to follow and ultimately appreciate my sense of humour.

3.Open-minded
Not too much bothers me in my life or in life around me.  I give credit for my ability to “keep balanced” in most cases to my being open minded.  I have a good understanding of the hows and whys of what happens around me and I don’t go out of my way to judge what I see.  I live and I let live, I may not be a participant in an activity but I am aware of it. While I can possibly appreciate why someone might enjoy said activity; I rarely have any personal opinion as to why they “shouldn’t” participate in it.

4.Creative
I find creativity to be very attractive.  I really find that people that stop trying because they tell themselves there is no solution…to be depressing.  I don’t care for the negativity that some people exude.  To me, creativity is positive.  I like it when someone approaches a problem as being a challenge, not a dead end.

5.Self-Challenging
I like people that continuously try to improve themselves.  Getting or keeping physically fit is one common aspect but mentally challenging oneself is another often overlooked area.  I find a person that goes out of their way to learn what they can to enact, improve or at least be more aware of a situation in their life to be very attractive.  People that sit back and rest knowing that they have reached a point of saturation in intelligence and experience, come across to me as people that could be considered the living dead.  No challenge = laziness = complacency.

6.Femininity
I know that I can get myself into a lot of trouble with this one, mostly because of a difficulty in explaining what I mean.  I find a woman that acts like a woman to be attractive.  This is not to say that I feel she is weaker than me in any way but there is a certain celebration of the unique differences between the sexes that I admire.  I will actually take the time to write a post some day as to what I mean in detail but I know this is a big attraction for me…a woman’s femininity.  Without this “intangible” attribute…a  woman is the same as a man in my perception.  Women are equal to men, they should be treated equally but they are not men and it is the fact that they are not that I find attractive.

To read the original post that spurred my thoughts on this topic ,follow here:
http://evalawrie.wordpress.com/2008/12/11/my-qualities-of-attractive-men/

Am I right in always being wrong?

Rule #1: a woman always believes that she is correct.

She engages in an argument with him despite her lack of knowledge in this area. She finishes with a typical female qualification attempting to undermine and lessen the instruction by saying that “It doesn’t seem so important” – all of which she interprets as him “pushing the point.” Her anger at him about the circumstances is secondary to understanding the exhibition of female behaviour. The qualification is a normal consequence of Rule #1 and can be characterised as:

Rule #2: a woman must always have the last word.

This is why female to female  feuds are seemingly endless – neither will accept they are wrong and both must have the last word.

While I do not believe that “Women are always right” I have seen where some tend to get very emotional in a discussion where she feels she might not end up being the clear “winner”.  My ex-wife was famous for arguing everything she possibly could.  She would argue with me, my parents and our friends over the slightest disparity in opinion.  While I have no problem in someone stating their position on any given issue; starting a highly charged “fight” over trivial issues just to prove a point was completely unnecessary. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I suggested to her that she tone down her actions as they were being construed as socially unacceptable, she had the “right” to prove that she was right.

The truth is, I really couldn’t stand the attitude that my ex exuded in this regard and I am very cognicent of other women when they act in a similar manner.  What I see is a lot of arguing over opinion and hypothesis rather than knowing specifically proven facts and standing ground when challenged.  I have also seen many times when a woman doesn’t have anything to debate, and will go out of her way to make scenarios up in her head, so that she can in turn take a side and argue accordingly.  “If I were Susan I wouldn’t even go out with that guy she is seeing, all he seems to do is watch Hockey”. “What do you think?”

I think,
1.“What Susan and her new guy do is none of your business”
2.“I don’t care”
3.“It doesn’t matter what I think, you have already stated your stance AND it contains a negative , “I wouldn’t” so I know where you are going with it and refuse to engage you on something that has no basis in my life”
4.“It is not a debate where there is an answer.  It is a fluid situation that you are trying to assign a specific answer to.  I won’t work”
5.“I am not going to say anything that you can in turn tell Susan that I said.  You will have no problem in another “debate” with Susan in using my name, my opinion to your advantage”
6.“I am hoping that by avoiding this whole conversation with the exception of the occasionally uh-uh that you will drop the subject and remain calm enough to be “in the mood” later.

You can imagine how difficult it is for a man to accept the fact that he is sleeping on the couch because:

•He wouldn’t engage you or stand beside you in an unnecessary argument about a hypothetical and non-existent scenario.
•You got yourself all worked up over what Susan should be doing or not doing when he can’t even see why you are involved in or even care about someone else’s personal life.

Out of expediency, I made a decision a long time ago to choose my battles “wisely” when it comes to differences in opinion and women. I feel that many men (the “smart” ones) have taken a similar stance.  The problem is, this strategy may not have been so wise. Over the past few generations, women (the ones that look at arguing as if it was a competitive sport) have developed a sort of “entitlement mentality” about being right. Since men have not bothered to put their foot (feet) down, women have developed an expectation of correctness.

From the beginning…

Some people are yearning to be in love with someone, to be rescued from their daily lives and swept into romantic bliss. Some believe that they are not complete unless they find someone to make their lives whole. Some are presently involved with another and things aren’t working out.

All of us have the ability to love and be loved and the chance to embark on this journey exists no matter where you are or where you are in life. Some are unable to see the subtlety of love because of their own preconceived ideas so they seem to be perpetually searching.

If love doesn’t show up wrapped in the packaging that we expect, we may fail to recognize it or dismiss it completely.

It is a hope that in some way someone that reads these paragraphs might stop and think before they move forward (or backward) on a particular chosen path or at least they be better educated. In some ways the words within may deter or inversely they might provide the needed catalyst to move them in a direction as opposed to standing still.

Most of all, we hope the the words within cause the reader to think and more importantly…feel.

I was hoping to show a more unbiased or at least balanced presentation of thoughts. What better way than to have a female contributor and co-author. Her author name is logicallyspeaking and you can read more about her here.

PLEASE feel free to leave your comments.

Balancing Act

When I was younger, my parents had painted a rosy picture for me of what a wife, a family and a home would be.  I feel due in large part to their ignorance that I went astray in that I gave more credit to females than they ever deserved.

I want to make it clear that while I don’t actually “hate” women.  Life would be boring, actually non-existent without them.  What I have issue with is the power imbalance that exists today. I feel that the role reversals seen since the 1960’s are having a traumatic effect on male-female relationships.

My ex-wife always considered herself to be a “good” woman, that being she was focused, accomplished and powerful.  We constantly battled over “control” issues.  It was not so much that there was a power struggle, rather she perceived one.  I was a man so therefore I historically had tendencies to want to dominate.  The truth is that I am a beta male, I am not dominating.

I have great respect for a woman that takes charge and can be assertive when necessary but many times they tend to go overboard. Powerful people, male or female, tend to abuse their power. Some women, when they’re in positions of power, overcompensate for their own and women’s historically lower position. I can see the feminists giving a standing ovation to the woman that finally puts a man in his place, but what if the man wasn’t the typical male chauvinist that we thought?

My ex used to get very agitated when the subject of balance of power in relationships came up in discussion.  I would say that most of my friends were more chauvinistic than I and could easily incur her wrath.  I remember her making this statement one day:
“When a female is powerful the man would feel awkard as he doesn’t accept the concept of women and men being on the same platforms; because men can’t stand to see a woman in control and they are too proud to admit that women rule.”

I for one DO accept and embrace the concept of men and women being on the same level.  I can stand to see women in control but dislike “control-freaks” as much as most people typically do.  I disagree with the statement  “women rule”.  This point is a problem.  Men and women are equal and sometimes the man is the “boss” and sometimes the woman is the “boss”.

“Women rule” when stated by a woman is the same as a man stating “Men rule”.  It is sexual chauvinism either way.  What I have seen over my lifetime is not women that want to be equal to men but women that want to wield power and/or control over men.  They are not satisfied  in being equals, they want to dominate, they want to be the “new” men.

I read an article once that stated in a relationship that there had to be “one” boss, either the man or the woman or nothing would happen.  I disagree.  I feel that if you have enough in common with your spouse, your personalities and preferences were similar you could achieve a “flow” that works for both of you.

Intimate knowledge

One of the greatest benefits of age is experience, having a greater depth in knowing the person that I am as well as having greater tolerance of other’s views., while not feeling that I have to live my life according to their opinions. Other’s views and opinions were a greater part of forming my personality in the past than they are today.

Having a more intimate knowledge of myself and loving me regardless of other’s perceptions to the contrary allows me to open up and partake of life from a different perspective.

So much of how we see ourselves can be crafted by other’s perceptions. It is how we assess those perceptions that may or may not make a difference on the whole.

I found myself at one point in my life not living “my” life at all but living within the boundaries I had set for myself based on other’s ideals of what my reality should be.

So what was “my” reality? Who was I in the big picture of life? I felt that I was just an actor in the play of life, unaware of my own motivations or the significance of my actions, just living and not asking why.

Inside, rather than feeling purpose I felt emotionally drained and stagnant. Sacrificing a piece of my dreams for someone else’s behalf left me with a big aching emptiness in the centre of “my” life. I don’t blame anyone but myself but I did allow myself to be molded by trying to appease others while rejecting my own personal path. I decide to stop being an actor and write my own play and live it to the best of my ability.

Maturity allowed me the confidence to grow past that version of myself and see and appreciate that I am far more of a person than the one delineated by other’s expectations. I am capable of so much more than I would usually dare to imagine and find the experiences to be unexpectedly moving.

I stated in my profile that I was as interested in the journey as the destination. If you look at biological life, we are born, we live, we die. Pretty straight forward. The only part that we have any input into is the “living” part. Some people spend way too much time living in the past while others embrace their ideal of what the future will bring with so much passion that they miss out on the here and now. I love to meet people that have the desire to grow and move forward in their lives in the ways that suit them personally. I have certain goals and dreams for my future and if they are accomplished I “feel” that they will give me pleasure.

I do not adhere to a specific ideal of what my future should be as not being completely focused on a specific goal allows for freedom of change. What is more pleasurable and immediately gratifying is the pursuit of those goals and not the end result. If that pursuit forces me to confront a challenge that I have not encountered before, the level of pleasure is more pronounced. From this I see that my passion is learning, what I have learned until now has not made the final version of who I will be. What I find very romantic is finding pleasure in something or someone that I had no expectations from. The situation appears out of the fog of life’s experiences and draws me like a moth to a flame. We don’t always get what we want in life, but if presented with the occasional surprise and we embrace it, we may get just what we need.

This same attitude is reflected in my relationships and what I value in them. There is no desire to get something specifically from another person, I don’t wish to mold them or change them, I appreciate them for who they are. This frees up my mental and emotional psyche and allows me to fully experience the connection for the right reasons. I ultimately want to be acquainted with someone that shares the same mind-set.

I have made major changes to my life to make it comfortable for me. From outside appearances things seemed ok but inside living a purgatory, waiting for a time when my own needs and dreams could be met. I was sitting on the fence wondering if the situation would lead to something better down the road or if I should follow my own bliss regardless of the outcome. Even trying to contemplate what I could do to enact changes that would ultimately take me away from those close to me was a messy iterative process that involved years of experimentation and reinvention.

Deep sadness and confusion, disillusionment with the world, feelings of insignificance and a self-depreciating attitude were the order of the day. I gained the courage to adjust, turning my life upside down to be what I want to be. Not just a bumpy road but a tumultuous and painful one. Joy and sorrow are inextricably intertwined.

I have yet to uncover all of the answers but find that I am more aware of my sense of purpose.

Seeking

Most might like to know what I am doing on here:

First and foremost, trying to shed some light on what otherwise might be a dreary day for some.

Secondly I am looking for a friend and so goes my story:
I had an interesting situation when I was younger. Through most of the teenager years and into my early 20’s I had a female friend. Although I had my own friends, girlfriend and “life” this “girl” was always there in the background. She had her own life as well, so it was not as if I was “keeping” her. The truth was I got along better with her than anyone else, we never fought, we accepted one another for who we were and our situation for what it was. There was no jealousy, no negative emotion or energy…as close to perfect that I could imagine. The one person I have met in my life with whom I could truly be myself with, do you have any idea how good a person can feel when they are free to be themselves. We even talked a few times about we weren’t together like bf/gf and both decided that would ruin the relationship. Although we never ended up “together” in public we shared an unbelievable bond. I didn’t have a name for this sort of relationship, it wasn’t cheating per se, cheating was just sex. This was so much more. It was an affair, not one born out of frustration or desperation, but it just “was”. Having a relationship with another “just because” is also a wonderful feeling.

As if to prove that this relationship could never become a “normal” one, she was killed in a car accident 3 weeks before her wedding.

My life went on, I got married, bought a house and had children. My life was never as fulfilled as it was before. My marriage didn’t work and things fell apart around 9 years ago. My wife had an affair, which I was happy about as it gave me an excuse to make changes. We had a so-called “open-marriage” for a few years and I went back to dating.

When my wife and I were going through hell and she and I were just roommates before the open-marriage and the inevitable end of our relationship…I met a friend. This relationship, once again hidden from public view, a secret, was very fulfilling. I still carried on my life but always had a friend that I could count on to talk with, the share with, to grow with. This particular woman was married and I was ultimately single. I decided eventually to “settle” so to speak and she decided to move back to her home country with her husband.

So now I am in a good relationship and have been living with this woman for 1 ½ years. Not long enough to become “just” roommates by any means.

It is my opinion that all long term relationships like marriages for instance are doomed. They will eventually progress to the “roommate” stage or worse. There is a certain amount of assuming, taking for granted, boredom, lack of passion and a general ho-hum attitude. Add to that the idiosyncrasies, the attitudes, mood swings, bills, children and everything else that can cause the so-called marital bliss to evolve into pure hell.

A friend that is always there, that you can be you with, one that never becomes boring because you are perpetually “dating”, one that never feels that it is ok to show their attitude, one that never feels the need to withhold connection, physical or intellectual, one that doesn’t share common sources of stress…can be a very much appreciated diversion.

So what I am “in” is the beginning of a typical relationship “marriage”, but I don’t look at things typically. I don’t want you to think that I have predetermined the failure of my relationship, that is not the case. I hope I made a good choice, a good decision but even in a “great” relationship there are times when it would be nice to have a friendly ear, someone there so you don’t feel alone, someone that is “your” friend, not one that is biased.

So I am looking for a long-term friendship with another that has a similar idea, has similar needs and can comprehend and handle a situation such as this.

Think long-term affair with a greater concentration on intellectual, emotional and spiritual connection more so than the typically envisioned “wild sex on the side.” The truth is, I have never, nor do I envision a sexual component to this “relationship” I seek. It will most likely have one but it will be a mutually decided, responsible celebration of the bond that the persons involved have formed and hold dear.

That is where I am, that is what I am seeking. I will find it in another, some day, when I don’t expect it. That is why I am here, I am not looking as much as I am making myself available to the possibility of meeting that special person by chance.

What else would you like to know…?