Not in Kansas Anymore Baby!

And there’s no going back.

I’ve had my first taste of what a potential Dom/s relationship feels like.  And I am addicted.  And yes, I did approach it with a very logical mindset (and he’s told me I’m sometimes too logical!).

In reading this, the reader may think that I am referring to the sexual aspect of it. Sorry to disappoint, but I am not – although the sexual aspect of it is pretty darn amazing! This new relationship I have embarked upon and continue to explore slowly, is something that I sense will be much deeper than I have experienced in my life. There is a fear of course, of allowing myself to go too deep and then being crushed even harder than I have ever been before.  I’m willing to take that chance.  That’s not to say that I have totally allowed my heart and soul out of protective custody, but they’ve been allowed a long drink.

For those, like me, who have believed that a Dom/s relationship is somehow weird, or bizarre, or abnornmal or painful - it is not.  It is filled with communication, respect, trust, caring, equality, patience, laughter and deep emotion.  I have spent hours upon hours researching and reading about these types of relationships.  The more I read, the more I spend time with this person, the more I realize that this flavour of relationship has the potential of being something out of this world.  It has the potential of being a spiritual relationship – and the physical aspect of it an enhancement to that.

It has changed who I am.  Or rather, it has brought forward more of who I really am.  It is helping me to find my courage.  It is leading me to a place where I can face my fears.  It is a relationship where I am able to be who I am at the core and know that I will not be judged by the other person, but cared for gently and respected deeply.

It is a relationship not built on “hanging on for dear life; of putting my best foot forward all the time for fear of losing him” but a relationship where the ebb and flow of what surrounds me allows me to drift and feel confident that what I confront at the next turn will lead me further to where I need to be; will lead me to another adventure I will savour and then be able to let go of and move on to the next.

It is a relationship that has given me strength.  It is a relationship that allows me to give strength to him.  In giving up my control; in giving up my need to control I have gained more strength of character and essence than I had ever imagined. 

Will it be a forever relationship?  I don’t know.  More importantly, it does not matter.  For what I have learned about myself; for what I am continuing to learn and feel and experience at a spiritual and emotional level, I’ll take it for now and let forever take care of itself.

Ahh, I’m definitely not in Kansas anymore!

Sensory Deception

I don’t know what it is lately but I keep having situations happen that remind me of a pleasurable experience in the past.  Examples:

•I happened to see Tina Fey on 30 Rock last week.  I have never seen her or the show before but I had heard of her.  When I looked at her I was taken aback because she looks like someone that I dated in the past.  More accurately her eyes are an almost exact match…they could be sisters.  This is itself is not a big deal but this connection caused me to “feel” a pang for a brief moment.  A sudden and intense rush of pleasant memories ran through my head and my heart?  Strange.

•I had a female sales rep stop in the other day and she was wearing perfume.  One whiff of this scent and I made another surreal connection with someone that I had dated in the past.  Once more vivid and intense memories of a person, long ago and triggered by a scent.

•I was talking to a customer service representative yesterday and her voice sent me on a quick trip to a pleasant time in my life long, long ago.  Her voice sounded the same as a past flame, I almost thought of asking her if in fact she WAS that person.

•I went to get coffee today and the woman that was serving was wearing clothing and jewellery that was typical of a certain culture and immediately reminded me of yet another person from the past.

•I read some specific words in a post the other day that made me “feel” an intimate connection with the author.  I had seen those words before, different author and different time yet the result was the same.

I mentioned this sudden onslaught of “triggers” that reminded me of the past to my brother.  Leave it up to a man, especially a brother to make sense of it all by telling me, “You are just horny”.  Oh…that’s all?  Thanks for helping me out!

These triggers and the subsequent reminiscing are not sexually based, there is no sexual tension involved, just warm feelings.  The warm feelings are like a reincarnation of “infatuation” from that previous relationship.  It is not the “love” or sex but the innocent crush from those days that comes back to me.  The overall vision of the person revived from my memory is vague and blurry and there is no specific activity recollected…just an uncanny, yet comforting feeling.

In a way I like it…yet in another it makes me wonder…why are these “triggers” happening so frequently these days?

You CAN Love Someone You Have Never Met

My co-author’s post on “Can you ‘Love’ Someone You Have Never Met?”, got me thinking and I would like to share my story.

Sometimes it is with someone you have never met that you can truly taste what real, unconditional love is. It was this encounter I am about describe that may have been the catalyst in my beginning to search for that perfect relationship/affair.

When I was first introduced to the Internet, it was the most exciting time for me. I felt that a huge door of information had been opened and, being the information junkie that I was at that time (and still am to some extent) I ran through the door and didn’t look back.

And oh my the wonderful things I found – and the appalling things I found as well! It really never crossed my mind to find “love” or to have an affair. It was information I was after. It was other people’s views from around the world that I was so excited about experiencing.

Along my journey on the information highway, I made my way into a chat room and was instantly hooked! I spent hours in that chat room. Made some great on line friends. Found my humour and also found comfort. I dabbled in cybersex – although didn’t really get it. My idea of masturbating had nothing to do with sitting in front of a keyboard and monitor and being brought to orgasm by text on a screen. Rather, I would take some of the scenarios that these individuals presented, and use them later in my personal fantasies. Although, this part of my on-line life is probably best saved for a post in Erotic Thoughts, the other blog I will be contributing to in due time.

I had been chatting in this particular chat room for a couple of months when one day I received a message from a stranger I had not chatted with before. A conversation began.

We chatted every day for hours. For months. We emailed. We chatted. We got to know each other on a very intimate level. And then one day a private message (PM) flashed across my screen. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

And I felt pretty much the same way. This man on the other end of the monitor had captured my imagination in such a way that I missed him when not speaking with him. I thought of him all the time. I even began imagining myself as his partner for life. We had so much in common – but were so different as well.  And all this, before seeing a picture.  At that time it wasn’t too many folks who had scanners, let alone digital cameras.

It was close to two years later that we decided to meet in person. Given that we lived close to 2000 miles apart, it was going to be a huge challenge! But we did it. And spent an amazing weekend together. It was the only weekend we ever had with each other in the flesh. However, our on-line romance lasted for several years.

During the on-line relationship, there was a lot of jealousy on both our parts – which in my opinion is extremely common with these types of relationships – trust is a challenge when having a relationship on line. You wonder who else they are chatting with, who else they may have a relationship with and then of course the jealousy that their spouse gets to spend real flesh time with them.

There was a lot of love as well. There was a lot of laughter. Tears. Longing. And yes, arguing and the silent treatment. It was a real relationship, taken up a notch because both of us had created an ideal of who the other was based on what we ourselves were. So, although we loved each other, the love seemed to be intensified because we were living this life together mainly in our minds.

We didn’t have to deal with the day-to-day responsibilities of paying the bills; caring for the children; arguing about who left the cap off the toothpaste. It was an unrealistic relationship – and probably would not have played out the way it did or as long as it did – if we had made the decision to leave our marriages and be together. Being the logical individual that I am, I knew that a “real life” relationship was doomed – he fought it and believed it could work. I tried to reason with him and explain all the reasons why it would not.

It doesn’t mean I didn’t love him, because I did love him. I do love him. Just not in a romantic sort of love. It could be the perfect kind of love. I don’t expect anything in return for loving him. I just love him. I don’t hurt in my heart because I can’t be with him but rather my heart has grown in knowing him. I don’t long to be with him. I just love him. And when I think of him or speak to him, it always makes me smile. I think he feels the same way. I truly believe that years ago we ignited an emotion that not many people in a “romantic” relationship ever have the patience to experience. Pure love for another. Unconditional.

To this day, after over 10 years, we still keep in touch and we still know what’s going on in each other’s lives. We talk about the “old days” every now and then, but we both stay in the present. In the real. From some of our conversations I feel he still holds out hope that “one day” we may be together, however as I am not one to give mixed messages, I have told him that our love affair will always be in our memories and that’s all we can ask for. But that doesn’t mean that our love for each other is gone.




Can you “love” someone you have never met?

There is something that happens every so often in my online interpersonal relationships that goes beyond common sense.  I meet someone, there is an inexplicable attraction that goes above and beyond what we share at face value.  The truth is that in my entire time seeking social connections online, THAT type of connection is what I sought.  Difficult to describe in words and far more elusive to find…the “spiritual” connection.

At face value:
•    I have never actually met this individual.  I cannot experience them with any of the 5 senses.  All that I have seen of them is their words on a digital palette.
•    I may never meet this individual.  While it is possible that she is the girl next door, it is equally possible and more likely that she lives on the other side of the world.
Beyond face value a connection is formed that makes no logical sense to me:
•    I can actually miss this person when we are not talking.
•    There is typically something about the scenario that I would normally walk away from, yet this issue or issues become a trigger at times and build a stronger bond.
•    Regardless of what transpired in conversation, how much time has passed since we last spoke…I still think of them, I still miss “what we had” and am still as open and receptive to further conversation as I ever was.

This has happened rarely.  In my entire time online (ten years) I have met only 3 persons where this “feeling” that for some reason I was “meant” to be speaking with this individual has come across me.  Typically this person will not match the person I envision in my search.  Their looks, age, social or marital status have no bearing on my wishing to converse with and learn from them. I have never ended up meeting any of these women.

One decided to move offline and get married, she lived thousands of miles away.  One lived a couple of hours from me, was the most creative writer I have ever met but over time wanted to change the status of our online friendship into something more “real”.  I refused and she moved on.

The last one I think I just blew it with.  I think that I sent her far too many mixed signals and she got tired of the confusion.  The truth was I really liked the person I was speaking with but didn’t want to taint our friendship by making it anything more than what we had.  I was happy with what we had, (that is a rarity) and didn’t want to find out we couldn’t make it work in “real” life and have to say good-bye.  In the long run we (she) did say goodbye regardless and to this day I still think of her.

Share your thoughts: Have you ever felt the pangs of love or infatuation for someone that you have met only online and never in the flesh?

Strings Attached

The following represent my own thoughts and opinions and do not necessarily reflect in any way my personal conduct.

The SSA (Some Strings Attached) or FWB relationship.
I have to admit that being a married man I like the idea of having a “friend with benefits”. There is something very appealing about having someone to talk to that doesn’t share the same typical biases as one’s partner. More appealing still is the possibility of being intimate with this individual that you already have some level of connection with.

If I had the choice of a “type” of relationship I could be involved in, this would be the one. A friendly, flirty, emotional connection without the drama, jealousy and “subtle” control that is part of the typical relationship.

The NSA rendezvous really doesn’t do anything for me. I don’t even know if would be capable of “performing” with an individual where I shared no greater connection with them. With my luck though, everything would work out fine and then I would want to see them again…and again. That defeats the purpose of the “no strings” ideal. This relationship is shallow and typically designed to lack any emotional connection.

The love affair is more complicated. I see this situation typically as one where one or both partners transfer a significant amount of their emotional capacity and commitment to one another. They may remain in their respective marriages but the bulk of their attention is with their lover. This situation ultimately leads to depression, more problems at home and and despair when one can’t be with the one that they “truly love”. This connection that is primarily emotional; poignant emotion drives the relationship.

I am in a situation where I can only fantasize about what I “think” would appeal to me. I don’t have the amount of personal free time required to fulfil any of my secret desires, but if given the chance I would enjoy a flirtatious, sexy friendship with my female equal.

I am actually tired of playing hide and seek. I want to play a new game…one without “hidden” agendas and one where we are not always “seeking” what doesn’t exist.

A game where we both win.

Q: Can men and women be “just friends”?

He says:
Yes, I believe that men and women can be “just” friends.  I have a number of female aquaintances that I would consider to be friends…however:

Typically there is no physical attraction to my female friends.  No physical attraction means there is no drive to make the friendship physical.  “Loving” feelings for the welfare of the friend can be developed but there is little or no chance of romantic feelings.

If there is physical attraction I am still ok providing she stays on her side of the fence.  I think that flirtatious behaviour on her part might make things more uncomfortable for me.

If there is physical attraction on my part I keep a “gap”.  I don’t flirt, I don’t talk suggestively.  I keep things “above board”
In my experience I have done quite well at keeping my female friends, “just” friends unless there was a specific mutual decision to change our relationship into something more. In most of my relationships we were friends first.

I did have a couple of female “friends” in my life where the friendship had a physical component but we still referred to our relationship as a friendship.  Friends with benefits?

I no longer have any female friends.  Being in a serious relationship with a woman seriously curtails most other frindships a man may have with women.  I still crave intellectual and social connection with women moreso than men.

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