Sign on the dotted line

I see far too often where women write of their past “love” experiences and I see the line “he was only looking for sex” so often and it makes me wonder how “true” that statement is.  I wonder if the men they are meeting are “only” interested in sex OR if that is the woman’s overall perception of what happened.  That is not to say that some men are not only looking for sex and that they play on women’s emotions to get what they want.  I am just saying that I think that men and women have somewhat different perceptions of the “dating game” especially in how they keep score.

I have never tried to develop a relationship with a woman specifically based on sex; therefore I have never been “only looking for sex”.  Every time I had met a woman and there was mutual attraction, it was always my intent to see if we could grow a relationship.  Having a long term relationship was always my overall goal…IF she turned out to have the “right stuff” to make that happen.

I always did my best to communicate this to the woman.  I wasn’t interested in a fling, wasn’t just having fun and wasn’t “just looking for sex”.  This information was conveyed to the woman via words, via actions so that she would be aware of my intent.  I made sure that she knew that “I was into her” and that “hopefully” in the long run, our relationship would grow and endure.  I felt that this approach was far more “romantic” than writing out a “Notice of Intent”.

There is a problem with communicating my attraction to a woman in my chosen way.  Typically a written
“contract” would have done a better job and caused less confusion.  The problem is that even if a man has ulterior motives, that are that he IS only looking for sex, he will use the same approach.  It is called seduction.  Basically, it is trickery designed to get the woman to “fall” for him and sleep with him.  For the sake of my story we will leave seduction out of the equation.

My story here is about the “mixed messages” that men give out.  I know that I have given out mixed messages myself, yet question if they could have been avoided short of writing a contract.  I know that I have said things that I felt were “true” at that particular time.  Over time my opinion changed while she tended to take my original statement as being “cast in stone”.

If I “really” like someone, I WILL tell them and they WILL know it through my actions.  I can be very endearing.  However IF I tell someone that I like them, that does not mean that my attraction will last over time.  Why?  Since I am looking at this relationship as having potential for the long run, I am looking for and need certain attributes to be in place for the long term survival of the relationship.

One thing that I have always done is continually worked at making sure that the woman is comfortable with me and I keep asking her to “be herself”.  I am not interested in the “opening act”. Everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning; I want to know what she is “REALLY” like.  The more comfortable she becomes with me and our relationship, the more I get to see how she would act in “reality”.  What I have found many times is that my original perception changes over time, sometimes it improves, yet far more often it wanes.

Typically what I have found is that once “she” feels that “he” has enough interest in her, she feels a sense of security and sex is a viable option at this point.  All of her necessary checkboxes have been ticked and there is no reason not to engage in the physical part of this “ongoing” and “upwardly mobile” relationship.

After sex is introduced into the relationship, “we” are a couple in her books.  There is an “unwritten” agreement that we should be “monogamous” as of this point in time and I agree that this “should” be the case.  I agree with the “couple” part but we are not “married” yet it is at this point that I really see her starting to “act” as if we are; it is at this point that she starts “being herself”.  This is NOT the case with every woman and every situation, yet IS what I have encountered in some of my personal experiences.

I will give you one example of a relationship that I had that didn’t make the grade:

I met a woman with whom we shared mutual attraction for one another, reasonable synergy in thought and great similarity in taste, and social activities.  For me, all of the necessary attribute for a good start.

I tell her that I really like her and the way that we fit together.  I date her, I romance her, and I make her feel special because she IS special to me, so why not tell her the “truth”.

We get physically intimate within a month of our first “date”.

She starts to tell her friends, family…people on the street…that we are a couple.  She starts talking about “our” future, her dreams and aspirations…and “our” wedding.  I am not turned off by any of this but I know in my heart it is too soon to be thinking of these things because…I haven’t DECIDED that I want to spend my entire life with this person.  I don’t know her well enough yet.

Six months has gone by.  She asks if I will move in with her.  I refuse.

By now she has a comfort level with me, in and out of bed.  She starts showing her “true” personality.  She has no reason not to…WE are a couple now!

What I see, is that she is flaky and has no drive, quits 2 jobs in 3 months and waits for a new job to find her while she sits at home watching TV.  Her apparent great parenting skills with her daughter were in fact a “paid for” attempt to coerce her daughter into acting a certain way for mom’s new boyfriend.  I guess she couldn’t afford to keep bribing her daughter and now I got to see what I would consider to be a postcard perfect picture of a dysfunctional family. She is racist, snobby, and jealous and has something negative to say about almost anyone she knows or meets.  The last straw was her seemingly endless use of expletives that infiltrated every sentence that came out of her mouth.

One year has gone by. We share a mutual (physical) attraction for one another, reasonable synergy in thought and great similarity in taste, and social activities.  What we don’t share is my poor perception of her personal conduct in her life.  I see her lack of drive when it comes to a career, her inability to parent effectively, her previously “hidden” racism, snobbiness and general meanness towards others and her constant swearing  as being serious deal-breakers.

She said to me once, right around our one year “anniversary” that she hoped I would never leave her because “I was the first person that she really got to be herself with and it was a very comforting feeling” and “She hoped I would never leave her because if I did it meant that our relationship was only about sex” Huh?

My point in all of this is, it takes me about a year to determine if the “real” person I met has the right stuff for a long term relationship.  In the big picture I would be happy if sex were not part of the equation until I was more “sure” of our personalities melding.  In the year I do tell her that I like her, I do try and make her feel special…not to get into her pants…but because “at the time” I truly feel that way about her.

There is a serious difference in the “pivot” points in relationships through the eyes of the different genders.  Certain landmarks in the relationship have different meanings to the sexes.  The fact that these points are perceived differently suggest there is a greater need for “straight talk” between the persons involved…prior to coming to those points in time.  The truth is, that rarely happens as it would take away from the romantic spontaneity of the relationship on the whole.  If we sat down and worked out a game plan ahead of time or asked our potential partner to read the small print and sign on the dotted line…we would NEVER get together.

With my current partner I had the opportunity to see her “true” personality over a number of years while working with her.  I got to see her overall work ethic, hear about her life, how she handled problems, how she dealt with people.  I just had to wait for the opportunity to tell her that I “liked her”.

She has a great personality!

I met my son’s new girlfriend the other day.  He had been seeing her for about a month and thought it was time that she got to meet her dad.  He called me when they were leaving her place and were about ten minutes away.
They pulled up in her dad’s car and the two of them jumped out.  He walked up and introduced her to me and she pulled her cell phone from her ear long enough just to mutter “hi” and the two of them went inside.

I have seen her with him on four occasions since and every time in periods ranging from 10 minutes to 4 hours she has been talking on the phone with a friend while my son sits there like a dog.  I even mentioned to him that she seems to spend a lot of time on the phone to which he replied, “She is ALWAYS on the phone!”  I asked him what appeal there was in a girl that was always talking on the phone to someone else and his response was, “It doesn’t matter, she is sexy.”

My impression? Cute, stupid and manipulative while my son only sees “cute”.  That is exactly what she wants him to see.

They have been dating for about three months and I don’t know whether there is a sexual aspect to their relationship or not but it got me to wondering in the absence of sex, what else was there to cause a guy to tolerate this “abuse.”  Was that all there was to it, this first love, the fact that he thought she looked good?  Most likely so.
When I think back to my first love, the ONLY attraction was a physical one.  I actually had more fun with my guy friends than with “her”.  The only thing that she and I had in common was sex and when something happened to stem the tide of said sex OR some better “sex” came along, it was time to say goodbye.

It seems very sad but I wonder if men and women really change much in this regard over the years.
She knows that she can manipulate even outright control the situation and outcome by sharing or withholding her body.  He will in turn do almost anything he is “required” to do in order to ensure that the outcome is positive.  In the absence of sex or potential for sex, his interest wanes and he will eventually look for or be open to the potential of sex somewhere else.

What I am saying is that in the absence of sex a man’s overall vision and opinion of a woman changes…dramatically.  Sex is the glue that keeps him close at hand.  When she decides to mess with the process, by showing no interest, withholding, reprioritizing sex, she is flirting with the potential of damaging the relationship on the whole.

Women would like to believe and men will tell women (if it is to their advantage) that there is more to their relationship than sex…and there is…as long as there is sex.  It might account for 5% of a relationship as far as time or thought but when it is taken out of the equation there is a 100% probability of relationship failure.
To a man, and I would have to concur that sex is love.  I feel that my partner shows that she loves me by having sex with me.  Women are typically emotionally satisfied in other ways in that sex does not have to be present for them to feel loved.  They typically put a hefty weight on the man’s honesty, commitment, empathy, success, and communication.  In other words women tend to look at the whole package and not the visual and physical aspect as being a deciding factor.  A woman will have sex if she feels secure and a man will feel secure if he has sex.
I am not saying that the male/female relationship cannot exist without sex; many couples are incapable of the physical aspect. Some have grown to the point where there are other attributes that offer the same “value” as sex as far as an emotional binding.

So back to my son and his new girlfriend, she continues to yak on the phone pausing only momentarily to whip her hair back out of her eyes while he sits there “waiting” like a dog.  I wonder if she stops to think, “What does he see in me…as a whole person?” “What do I have to offer him…as a whole person.” The truth is that I see only one thing that she could offer him and I can see only one thing that she might have that appeals to my son…and that is sex.

She knows that he will do what she wants him to because she has something he wants.  After he gets what he wants, she can perpetuate the situation by continuing to feed him what he wants.  This exchange does not in any way promote a bond or relationship between the two based on anything BUT sex.

Men typically marry women because they want to build a future.  Whereas they hopefully feel a love for their future spouse, they typically don’t have the same “fairy tale” expectations as their fiancée.  They also see a relationship as being a steady source of sex…quality and quantity. (Like it or not)
If down the road there is a significant change in the day to day scenario to cause a dramatic decrease in the quality and/or quantity of the sex, the relationship suffers.
One of the aspects that I have experienced is that in a relationship devoid of sex, there is really little reason to continue the relationship, at least as far as the relationship was originally perceived.  Take away the sex and there is no reason for me to tolerate, be in any way empathetic towards most of the annoying things that she says or does.  I am NOT going to be a dog that sits calmly by and waits for her to get over her “mood” swings.  I simply have better things to do.

There is a very good chance that your husband tolerates a lot of what you say and do because you have sex with him.  Start thinking that it doesn’t matter, you are too tired, too busy or have better things to do and you just might find that HE also has better things to do and better people to do those things with.
In the beginning when you first started dating you realized that as a female you had a tremendous amount of power between your legs.  As time went by you realized that you would be pursued for this reason.  You learned how to exploit this wonderful attribute that you possessed.  You learned how to manipulate and control your boyfriends with this technically small portion of the whole you.

As you grew older you realized that men are seemingly TOO interested in your “void”.  You tried to get them to see you as the whole person that you are.  I remember those days, when the women I met demanded that I look them in the eyes when we spoke (so they could see that I was serious) all the while I had a hard time keeping my eyes off of the fact that their skirt was  only 1/8” of an inch longer than the “object” of my desire.

My point in all of this is, after seeing my son’s girlfriend and her behaviour I realized that girls start young.  They realize that they are wanted and important but for the wrong reasons.  They exploit their bodies and use them to manipulate men.  One day they realize that this approach has its limitations and try and get the guys to see them as a “whole person.”  They might even go so far as putting up the “closed” sign on future exploration of their void until he comes to his senses.  Guess what?  We don’t ever come to our senses.  YOU enabled us.  You were the ones that trained us this way.  You were the ones that gave value to your crotch. Men are pigs…yes but that didn’t matter so much when the young piglet bought you presents, gave you a ride in his car, and treated you like gold all for the opportunity of sharing but a small part of your whole person.  Didn’t matter back then did it…YOU were in control.
Most guys don’t want to see or appreciate women as a whole person, they don’t want to hear and be a part of a woman’s life. When my wife decided to curtail our sex because quote,” It isn’t necessary, we are married now, that stuff is for teenagers.” what I heard was the death-knell for our marriage.

Many of you used your crotch to get the man you are with, not your straight A’s in high school, nor your ability to talk 4 hours straight at any given time on a cell phone while he sits there patiently.  You started this whole game by flaunting your body and now you want to change the rules and keep his interest solely by your “presence”. Ha!

Simply put, if you take your crotch out of the equation and I have to make a choice between you and my friend Peter who just happens to have 2 tickets to the game on Saturday.  I never thought I would say this but if I can’t get pussy, I’d rather have Peter.  (So to speak)

This scenario came back into play when I started dating again after my divorce.  I found that the women “threw” sex at me, easily.  Was it because they were “easy” or was it because I had somehow grown over the years into an irresistable “stud-muffin”?  No, it was because they were well aware of the power of their crotches.  The days of trying to persuade a girl that it would be in the best interest of the parties involved if she would put out had been replaced by a more adult view.  She already knew that I would like sex, that was a given, so it was introduced right away in order to capture and hold my attention.  This hopefully would suffice for long enough and cause me to remain blind to the fact that hse had more personal baggage than a family of 7 on vacation to the Bahamas for a month OR that her “sweet” daughter bore a striking resemblence to most of the starring leads in the latest horror movies.  In other words she was possessed.
While I will admit that sex, especially if it is memorable will in fact deter the man from seeing the truth, and if she is lucky he will move in with her before he realizes the err in his ways.  This is why I deliberately tried to AVOID having sex come into play and causing confusion in a new relationship whenever possible.  Ahem…whenever possible.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind as you read these posts and your blood starts to boil that many of them are written “tongue-in-cheek”.  I have far greater interest in women, especially those close to me, than only the sexual aspect.  I do however feel that some of what I write rings true…even if one has to read between the lines to get the point.

On your mark…get set…

How long should you wait before you have sex with a new partner?  This is one of those areas in relationships that has some serious weight attached to it.  Regardless of how long the couple waits to…couple, whether it is quickly (first date) or they wait until marriage, there will be a stigma attached to the event that is based specifically on the timing.

I have even seen many articles where the question is raised,
“How many dates should you have before having sex?”
“How long should the man be expected to wait before he should get sex?”

Personally I had a lover tell me that her mother had told her to always delay the sex with a new boyfriend for as long as possible so that he:

1)Wouldn’t think that she was easy
2)Would stick around for a while.  The idea was that once he “got what he wanted” he would have no further reason for a relationship.

My opinion on the subject, as to how long a new couple should wait before having sex would depend on which angle I look at it from.  My flat out answer would be they should wait until they want to have sex.

There is an assumption (an old fashioned one) that if the woman has sex with the man too soon, he will disappear because of it.  That is not the case.  Typically the man that disappears after they have sex, only wanted sex in the first place.  He had no real interest in YOU.  The interest that the woman perceived was not his wanting to date her,  it was his wanting to have sex with her.

No man has ever stopped calling BECAUSE you had sex with him. It might have happened right after the sex, but he stopped calling because he had gotten all that he was after in the first place.
If  a man really wants to date you, having sex isn’t going to make him like you less. And if he only wants sex, NOT having sex won’t make him like you more.

When I look at the subject from different angles, hypothetically I can gain some different conclusions.  In my experience the relationships in which sex was delayed typically lasted longer and had greater depth, not because of the timing of the sex but because the time itself allowed the participants to develop a relationship while leaving that emotionally intensifying and confusing sexual aspect on the back burner.
Assuming that I had a great interest in this woman that I am dating, the length of time before the “deed” has no significance.  Whether we “do it” on the first date or wait would not affect her “standing” with me because my attraction to her for a relationship should be more significant and varied than just a sexual one.

I have NEVER had sex with a woman just for a gratuitous nature.  That is to say that there has always been more than simply physical attraction or a desire to have sex with her and nothing more.  There was always an intent to develop a relationship if possible and I always thought of the situation from her perspective as well.

What I have seen in my experience is this:

•Some women “throw” sex at the man very quickly and I would assume this is done to (possibly subconsciously) Get him and hold his interest.  I have been in situations where I would like to wait and see what happens in the relationship before we “consummate” it, whereas she is naked on the couch after we come back from our first movie. A man will keep dating a woman, even if he sees no future if:

a) he has no other steady source of sex
b) the positives of the sex outweigh the negatives of the rest of the relationship
In the above scenario, he would move on if he “wasn’t that into her” whereas with a source of entertainment provided he might not.  The problem for her: at the same time his interest is waning her attraction to the relationship might be growing.  In the end, she will be hurt far more than he will.

•A woman that has sex with me on the first date DOES make me wonder under certain circumstances.  I dated a 40 year old woman that had been single (and looking) for 5 years but she never had a steady boyfriend.  She told me she went out every weekend “clubbing”.  Assuming that she met the likes of me (a different one) every weekend of those 5 years, that equates to 260 men in that period.  In that same period I slept with one woman.  Is this competition for me?..no..but if sex is supposed to be intimate and have meaning…be special then I really don’t feel special at number 261.  It isn’t the fact that she had sex with all those men, it is the fact that I feel more like a number than an intimate partner.

Some women have a belief that if they have sex with a man too soon the man will think they are a slut.  I think this is true.  Typically I would think they were a slut but in most cases it wouldn’t matter.  If I am trying to determine whether “we” have potential for a long-term relationship and she wants to have sex…I won’t say no, I will think that she takes the same approach with EVERY guy she meets and it will not determine the overall likelihood of a continued relationship.  I think that statistically that maybe 1 in 10 men is actually “looking” for a relationship, they are looking to have fun and that includes sex.  The sooner the better for most.

The reason in this case that it was an issue is that I wasn’t sure about the woman from a relationship standpoint, I didn’t know if she had the “right stuff” for a long-term commitment.  The fact that she didn’t seem overly discerning in her sex life led me (ultimately) to see that she wasn’t too focused in ANYTHING in life.

•I have been “really into” a woman AND have had sex with her early in the relationship AND everything worked out fine.  The most important point here is the fact that I was into her.  I liked her and there was great potential for a great relationship from what I had seen up to this date. When we had sex I knew that I wasn’t number 261, I knew that she had no reason to use sex as a bargaining chip or to hold me.  The “act” was unrehearsed, unprovoked and natural…just the way that it should be.

The amount of time that a couple wait is a personal choice and is as varied as the participants.  There is no factual answer but in my opinion the couple WILL know when the time is right but if there is a future for the relationship, there should be no harm in waiting.

Share your thoughts: Do you have a specific time period…or limit in mind when it comes to having sex with a new partner?

At least they aren’t on the floor…

If women hate it when men wear white socks with suits, or black socks with sandals on the beach, they hate it even more when men wear socks to bed. It gives women the impression that a man doesn’t care enough to remove the things attached to his feet.

Part of the thrill of sex is usually having both people in the nude, and that means not wearing socks. It is such a simple thing, yet it can make a world of difference, so why do men do it?
I can’t answer for all men, only this one.

First off I would say that although a rarity, there have been times when I have succumbed to this low.  Thinking back it was typically in a situation where the entire encounter was rushed or there was a good chance of someone walking in on us.  I can get my pants on in 0.5 seconds but socks might take 1 second so in order to avoid possible embarrassment they got left on.  Hypothetically if my son walked in on us I could tell him I was changing my pants because I spilled something on them or the like, but why were my socks off? Ummm??

I guess in (typical) male thinking, I want to get down to business ASAP and the socks are the last thing on the list of getting undressed.  They don’t interfere with the act of lovemaking so the two seconds saved by leaving them on could be spent better elsewhere…if you know what I mean.
All joking aside, I’m sure that it is sheer carelessness on the man’s behalf.  We really are just thinking about one thing and taking our socks off doesn’t necessarily come to mind.  If someone asked me pointedly, I would say, “What difference does it make?”  The socks in no way interfere with the actual sex…so what is the problem?

There could also be some inherent fear in the man that if he takes them off and throws them on the floor that he will forget them there.  5 minutes later after the torrid love-making session is done and over with, he will drift off and not a thought about the socks will enter his mind.  His partner on the other hand, who has a strange habit of not sleeping after this type of workout, will be up again, doing what she does best…looking for socks on the floor.  It may take a while but a man, similar to a dog, will learn if the lesson is repeated enough times.  Most men know by now…”Don’t leave your socks on the floor” so in this case they are simply avoiding future aggravation by keeping them on.  Are women ever happy? Geez!

See my previous post on this particular subject: here

I feel that the reason that it causes great irritation to women is that it makes her feel like the guy doesn’t care.  This is a “love-making” session and should be treated with the respect and intimacy that this moment of passion and connection deserves…everything should be perfect.  The guy on the other hand doesn’t think about “love-making” in the same way as she does.  It doesn’t matter how “romantic” the situation, he will still look at the act as being “sex”. He can “love” you all the time…right now he is getting laid.  When the situation is more rushed, more risky…”let’s do it now!” the male mind can only comprehend the articles that “must” be removed in order to accomplish the act and socks don’t even come to thought.

Have you ever seen a man on the rare occasion when he uses the supplied assembly instructions for any given product?  He sees the line where it says:

1.Insert part A into part B so it fits snugly.

It does not say:

1.Insert part A into part B so it fits snugly and by the way don’t forget to remove C

Pretty much the same thing happens when it comes to a sexual encounter…Part C might be overlooked.

I had a woman ask me once, “How would men like it if women kept their sweaters, socks, hairnets, etc. on during sex?”

The truth is, and for a completely different reason, I would LOVE it if the woman left her socks on during sex.  To some men this is a sexual fetish.  It was born out of necessity as in the “old days” women too left their socks on during sex due to lack of proper heating in the home.  This practice was originally equally displeasing to men but rather than treat it as an irritation or barrier to the “act” men’s brains adapted and made a woman wearing her socks “sexy”.  Her socks are a “prop” that increase his sexual arousal and tension…not detract from it.  From this I can hypothesize that men leaving their socks on is yet another instinctive, historical carry-over from a previous time.

Yeah…that’s it!

Share your thoughts: Does your man leave his socks on and does it bother you?

World Class Sex

Today I will share with you a pet peeve AND a secret, all in the same post.  My pet peve is the tabloids and surveys that proclaim someone to be the “World’s sexiest man/woman”.  When I read deepre I find that the “world” consisted of 4000 participants between the ages of 20 and 24 all living in the United Kingdom.  Funny, I thought the world was bigger?

One that I saw the other day had Daniel Craig listed as the world’s sexiest man!  What?  I am not gay but I do have an opinion.  When I saw the ads for the new 007 movies I remember saying to my wife, “Who the hell is that?” “Are they kidding?”  Bond…James Bond…not. Pierce Brosnan I can see, yet he has dropped to 10th on the list!

Even I have an opinion on whether I think a man is physically attractive or not and find some of the survey’s results to be “odd” to say the least.  I am not ranting about this with any intensity because I am well aware that the people chosen just happen to be the one’s that are popular, famous and because of that, always in the public eye.  The truth is I have seen women walking down the street that are sexier (in my opinion) than some of the people listed on any given list.

While I will also be the first to admit that there is a difference between sexy and physical “beauty” I just don’t get it.  Here are the top 10 according to this particular survey:

http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2006/12/12/daniel_craig_tops_world_s_sexiest_man_po

World’s Sexiest Man top ten:
1. Daniel Craig
2. Clive Owen
3. Jude Law
4. Steve Jones
5. George Clooney
6. Johnny Depp
7. David Beckham
8. Robbie Williams
9. Orlando Bloom
10. Pierce Brosnan

Where was I going with this?  Oh yes, my secret confession.  Who do I think is the World’s (my World’s) Sexiest Woman?  To be honest I don’t think I could name “one” woman.  I could pick one that represented the essence of what I consider sexy but even that would be “Subject to change without notice.”  When I have seen a survey where the world’s sexiest woman has been “elected” in most cases I would sternly disagree.

The most recent survey I saw listed Lingerie model Karolina Kurkova as the world’s sexiest woman.  I will agree that she is attractive but this guy doen’st particularily like blondes or women that weigh less that 110 lbs.  Whether someone is attractive or sexy to any particular other is highly subjective.

I have a “thing” for curvy East Indian women, yet I don’t know a single male friend that shares my views in the least.  To each their own.

Less than you think…

My wife has an obsession with sex.  More so she seems to be obsessed with my sexual history.  If I so much as mention a woman’s name and the ensuing story puts me and said woman in the same room my wife will ask; “Did you have sex with her?”  If I HAD slept with every woman that I have been in the same room with at any given point in time…I would certainly be considered one of the great Playboys of modern time.  The truth is, and I have tried to explain this to my wife on many distinct occasions, the truth is NO, I have not had sex with every woman that I COULD have had sex with.  I know that this flies in the face of male human nature AND saying no for a man is like speaking a foreign language…yet it is done.

1.I found myself in a situation many times (more than I would have expected) where the woman that I was with, usually a co-worker, was drinking.  Her demeanour went from “strictly business” to flirty and sexy.  As much as I could see this “green light” I resisted and yes on a few occasions actually fought off this opportunity.  (Did you know that women that get rejected for sex can get REALLY nasty?) As far as I can recall, in ALL cases my co-worker was happy and appreciative(the next day) that I didn’t “take the bait.”

2.Drinking in general.  I have had some opportunity to take advantage of drunk or otherwise intoxicated women, but did not.  I have left a bar with a woman, taken her to her place, got her undressed and into bed without so much as laying a hand on her.  Why, because in my opinion at that time she really was not aware of her actions and by being the “nice” guy at this point I might have a chance to score a “real” date with her another time.  Never turned out that way but it was a good idea.

3.In some cases I didn’t trust the woman.  I got the feeling that she had ulterior motives, that she would expect some payback or that she was trying to make a boyfriend/husband jealous.  There have been a few times where I honestly felt that the opportunity “was too good to be true” and backed away.

4.I simply did not find her attractive enough to engage in sexual activity with her.  Depending on my mood or level of intoxication my standards could be compromised accordingly but there have been cases where all the beer in the world wouldn’t make it right. The unfortunate truth is that I, like most men do have two separate and distinct “bars”.  The bar for sex only is far lower than the one set for a relationship.

5.I have found that, even in this day, women put a great weight on the sexual aspect of a relationship.  If you have sex the relationship has changed from friends to lovers.  A man may not see it that way.  It happened to me, the next day she started talking about getting married and how WE would be raising HER child.  Not in my plan!!
I think that a lot has to do with having the ability to make choices.  I am not desperate.  I do not HAVE to jump at every opportunity, if I were more “hungry” maybe I would.

!&*% me…you $@!%*& little *%#$

I have to admit that I was never too forthcoming about “talking dirty” in the bedroom.  There are a couple of reasons.  First off, the first time I tried it with a girl, she was shocked and not in a good way.  She stopped, got up, got dressed and left.  I decided as of that moment that talking dirty must be something that was only done on porno movies and best I keep my mouth shut.  I was kind of glad it happened that way though, the next trick I had up my sleeve was the “Pearl necklace” and I doubt she would have been any more open to that.  I felt that any unnecessary “extras” when it came to sex were not going to be initiated by me, especially if it meant I wouldn’t be getting any at all.

My wife, who I wasted (oops..I mean spent) most of my sexual prime with, also did not have an appreciation for “dirty talk”.  She had a sewer mouth most of the time, dropping f-bomb and adjectives en masse in day-to-day conversation, but in the bedroom I think she was role playing a virgin.  Not the sexy virgin who is taken by the strong “overpowering” man, rather the pure as the driven snow, “Don’t touch me, don’t taint me” type.  Yawwnn…

For me it was always a “grey” area in that unless you communicate with your lover and know her limits you could be treading in an area that is “less than appreciated”.  I once said suggestively that a woman was being “naughty” in the way that she was flirting…she got very upset with me…killed the mood instantly. A couple of times I have had my lover ask me to talk dirty specifically and the level of what she wanted to hear was even somewhat of a shock to me.

As my life progressed and my experiences with other lovers came to pass I saw a trend.  Most of my lovers were Caucasian and were as if not more experienced than me.  Most of them had no problem with including expletives into almost anything that was said in the open.  When it came to the bedroom, they didn’t say much at all.  On the other hand, two lovers that were non-Caucasian, never swore in public (at all) and actually were very inexperienced in numbers were more open than a porn star when it came to verbal profanities in the bedroom. Was it a racial difference or an experience difference…or just my luck?

To me, it doesn’t really matter, I have found that I personally get really turned on by what I am saying and this can possibly “shorten” the overall experience.  I just like the option of being “free” to say as I please in an intimate situation so prefer a lover that is at least not offended by the language.

Not tonight Dear I have better things to do

“My husband has lot interest in sex.”
“Is he bored? Is he tired? Or just really angry? ” A new book is aimed at perplexed wives.

The concept sounds completely foreign to me but the reality has hit close to home. First off, I tend to have a good rapport with women that I work with so I tend to be privy to some of the more intimate conversations.  I was quite surprised at the number of women that stated that their husbands didn’t seem interested in sex.  They went on to explain in explicit detail how they had tried romance, seduction, even some things they had picked up from a porn film to regain his attention.

You can imagine how I felt listening to these stories, being married to a woman that I would consider to be one of the most uptight, frigid woman on earth.  I was secretly thinking, “You know…I could possibly help you with that situation…you scratch my back….hmmm”  I was honestly shocked at just how many women had this complaint and the book covers off many of the main reasons. According to a United States health and social life survey, lack of desire, not erectile dysfunction, is the most common sexual problem in America, affecting 20 per cent of adult males.

Many husbands are choosing to have little or no sex with their wives. “It’s an under-reported fact,” write the authors of He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore:
“Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About It.” By Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz

Some of the main reasons for this lack of interest were as follows:

One reason, the authors discovered, is a wife’s significant weight gain. “A man might love his wife and be embarrassed that he doesn’t have sex with her because she is no longer physically attractive to him,” says psychologist Julian Slowinski. “It’s very difficult to deal with, or even bring up.”

Another desire-killer for men is a wife who calls all the shots in bed or who is too critical. “She controls the speed that I perform, the proper angles, how long it takes and what positions we are in. Only the missionary will do. I lost interest long ago,” said one husband.

Other husbands blame their wife’s lack of “adventure” in bed for their loss of interest. “She has one position, that’s it. Never changes,” said one husband. Another husband in his 40s said, “When we have sex, she lies on her back motionless. A few years ago, I asked her to do something different, and I seem to remember her response was simply ‘I don’t do that.’ “

“Same place, same station. Men like variety and when a couple gets stuck in a routine, the man is the first to get dissatisfied with it.” The book quotes Einstein: “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

In other instances of husband frigidity, the survey finds that if a man is hooked on Internet porn, he may stop wanting “partnered” sex. Addiction counsellor Ken Search believes that fantasy sex with an “airbrushed, collagen-lipped, breast-implanted playmate” may make it difficult for him to feel the same excitement with a “real live partner.”

My particular situation came about this way.

I started dating and eventually married a “nice” girl.  She wasn’t wild like my previous girlfriends and I thought this would equate to a level of maturity needed for a serious relationship.  It equated to a level of boredom that I could not have imagined existing.

I could understand and accept the typical downfalls in this regard.

After we got married, she put on weight.  I didn’t like it but it did not negate my desire.  She on the otherhand was constantly concerned with her weight, she “didn’t feel attractive”.  Regardless of what I said, this became a stumbling block.  She started using hre personal views of herself against me and witholding sex.

Lack of adventure was a understatement.  There was one position, no mood-setting, no lingerie, no toys, no porn, no role-playing…not even a feather.  Add to that this sneaking suspicion that she had a timer under the pillow.  For here it seemed to be like a chore and for my part I had better get it over with quickly. I never specifically had any concerns that she wasn’t willing to expand her horizons in bed but I did have issue with being pressured to complete things on a schedule.

Other mood killers for me were, in no particular order:

• Letting the dog jump up on and stay on the bed during lovemaking.  “Oh, don’t push her off, she likes the bed, it’s more comfortable”
• Answering the phone during sex, “I wouldn’t have answered it but it was my sister and she has a recipe for me”
• I bought her lingerie once (tasteful) and she threw it in the garbage, never wore it once.
• Telling me to, “hurry up”, “you can come now”, “I’m tired”, “finish, will you…” or loud outbursts of “ow” every couple of seconds.  I don’t know how many times I just gave up.
• Only being “interested” if she was drinking and then having a completely different (overly-agressive) persona that actually threw me off rather than enticed me.
• I’m too tired (At 8 PM almost every night)

The main “problem” outlined in the book really hit home with me. The book notes that men whose sexual advances are repeatedly rejected may eventually give up altogether. “I wasn’t able to get her involved,” said one husband. “She would sometimes ‘allow’ me to perform oral sex on her but I eventually gave up trying.”

The biggest problem of all was possibly because of the way that I get aroused.  I fantasize.  I set the mood in my mind.  I build sexual tension by imagining what “could” happen tonight. Eventually I just gave up.  After five years of living together I came to the conclusion that I would not only be missing out on the sex life I desired, I would be missing out on sex…period.

The only reason that we even ending up with a child was on the rare occasion that she was drinking but not falling down drunk she was “in the mood”.

So for the next ten years I switched most of my “desire” to pornography, strippers and a vivid imagination. I “turned off ” my imagination, my fantasizing and my desire for my wife.  I came to the conclusion that it was a waste of time. After a while she seemed to get the idea that I was no longer interested in wishing, asking or begging for anything from her.

She did eventually try and win back affection from me by being quite a bit more open minded but it was too late..it didn’t matter what she did, there was no desire to be found from me.

Eventually she had affair (I eventually withdrew all forms of affection) and subsequently I had a reason for a much-anticipated divorce from the “ice-queen”.