Gentlemen…Put your hands together for….YOUR wife????

I read a post the other day where the author suggested she would like to have a pole in the bedroom so that her boyfriend would have no interest in going to the strip club. Her post: http://goodgirls.wordpress.com/2008/12/18/what-i-want-for-christmas/

I don’t know if this would work for most married men.

My wife could never understand why I “needed” to spend $8.00 for a beer in a place to see naked women when I could see “her” at home. Assuming that my wife has the same physical appeal as an 18-20 year old stripper would come into question right off. Chances are very good that my wife would not go out of her way to provide any additional visual props such as outfits or pole dancing for my benefit anyways. Even if we had a pole in our bedroom there would be no guarantee that my wife would be “in the mood” to dance, or anything else for that matter. Some married men have to beg their wives to have “plain old” sex, they certainly aren’t going to get their wives to pole dance.
If I go to the strip club, the women will be dancing, they will be getting naked and they will be “naughty”.  There is no waiting for the “right” mood, it is a job.

I like going to such an establishment for one reason above all others. A guaranteed positive result for my investment. I know for sure that if I pay money…I win.  I will be guaranteed to see a woman (typically well-built) take her clothes off. Going to the strippers gives me the opportunity to stimulate my visual senses without having an emotional connection.

Even if my wife dressed and danced like a stripper, there is a very good chance she would not want to “act” like a stripper.  Strippers are visual representations of a man’s fantasy. They are “objects” to be looked at. Where I am not suggesting that the woman performing the act is not a real person, she is producing a male response based entirely on her act.  She should not have any expectation that the men are looking at her because of her 86% average in Psychology, or the fact that she can cook or the fact that she volunteers her time at the local animal shelter.  They are looking at her because she is a sex object. I like visually enticing virtual sex, and that is what a stripper is to me. Her job is to perform an erotic act and my part is to pay to be a bystander to said act.  Nothing more…nothing less.

I personally have not gone to a strip club (other than 5 minutes with my current wife so she could see “what went on”) in 15 years.  I got tired of seeing naked women and paying large sums of money for the privilege. I consider myself blessed this time around in that I find my wife to be very attractive and she is very open minded.  I think that she would actually make use of a pole in our bedroom.  In my perfect world there would be a pole (and a swing) in our bedroom and my wife would have a closet full of sexy outfits at her disposal.  She would be ready and willing to put on a show, get me interested and satisfy all of my visual “needs” at any given time.  Even if all that were possible, if I had the chance to see another woman doing the same thing AND had to pay to see her do it…I would. Variety is the spice of life.

To all of you that are asking, “I wonder if HE would be ok if SHE went to see the male strippers…yes I would be ok.  I think that with anything, a balance has to be maintained.

Unique plans that let you roll over unused minutes to the next month

Some might consider me the consumer’s watchdog when it comes to sex. I am always looking for ways to bring couples closer together, especially in the bedroom. Just the other day I read an announcement from Bell Mobility regarding their cellular plans:

Bell launches unique rate plans that let you roll over unused airtime minutes to the next month

I thought to myself, wouldn’t that be great if couples could take advantage of that same idea when it came to sex. I can see it now:

With Rollover Minutes with Your Significant Other, every minute just got better

MISSISSAUGA, Ontario, Nov. 3 /CNW Telbec/ – Bill Kanata today announced the introduction of Rollover Minutes plans, Canada’s only monthly plans that allow couples to carry over unused bedroom minutes into their next month of “wedded bliss”. Available today, the new Rollover Minutes plans recognize that some husbands or wives may have too many or too few minutes of physical intimacy to meet their needs (or level of tolerance) in a particular month.

With Rollover Minutes, you no longer have to use ‘em or lose ‘em. If you can’t “do it” one month, you can “over do it” the next,” said Bill. “In keeping with my commitment to this new and exciting program, this new plan means ‘Every minute just got better’.” Bill did admit however that this was in fact his own personal opinion. When his wife was asked if she felt each minute was better, she declined comment.

Rollover Minutes plans let you carry over unused “between the sheets” minutes for one additional month. For instance, if your Rollover Minutes plan includes up to 400 anytime minutes of sexual activity per month and you use only 330, you carry over 70 minutes to the next month – a total of 470 minutes in the next month.

This approach helps couples balance high and low usage months and avoid additional time-wasting arguments over someone feeling they deserve more sex…or more rest.

Until December 31, couples across North America can choose between six Rollover Minutes rate plans ranging from 1200 minutes a month for those dating and not ready for a long term commitment to 100 minutes a month for occasional users. Those willing to sign a three-year contract have the additional benefit of (sex) time being limited to 30 minutes a month. This particular plan is very popular with married women as they are continually looking for new ways to balance their sex life with time needed for really important things. Their husbands have no need to complain because they know they are bound by a contract and the high cost of additional minutes acts as a deterrent.

All of the plans are available with the typical selection of options (at additional cost):
• Extended rollover minutes can be purchased in blocks of 10 minutes to add to any of the plans. Please Note: 10 minute blocks are free to any women that request them and $89.99 for the men.
• Email options allow the husband to leave something in her box for retrieval later. Too often in her busy day she doesn’t have time to fully appreciate that he really needs to “connect” at that moment. This allows her to retrieve, accept, store or delete it at her option, when “she is good and ready”
Please note: Due to the fact that men are always ready to accept anything, anywhere and at any time this option is only available for the women.
• Bundles including Rollover minutes, email and internet are very popular for married couples. These bundles combine the flexibility of rolling over unused time in the bedroom to the next month, email so he can fill her box AND internet access. Internet access is especially welcomed by the husbands. If he has used up ALL of his minutes and her box is not accepting any further input, he can surf porn to his heart’s content online.

For more information on Rollover Minutes plans, please speak to your husband. Although he doesn’t follow too much that is going on around him, he will surely have seen or heard the new national radio, print and out of home advertising featuring Rollover Minutes for couples.

The Departure of Sanity

Hey married ladies, answer a question for me – is it really such a chore to have sex with your husband?

I’m one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who’s kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it’s way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: – the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Spinner currently resides.

Somebody help me out here – what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you’ve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you’ve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the “Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold” – patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I’m depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife – I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, she’ll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isn’t worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me – maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and I’ll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table – a perfect coffee table is HOT! – Queue porn music.

I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she want it more often – I just don’t get it. If it feels that good, why not experience it al the time? No need for a special occasion, but if necessary we can create one, “A new bottle of shampoo! Hey great, let’s fuck!!” I know she may be self conscious about her body, but she’s beautiful to me. Message to my wife – you are the sexiest woman on the planet when you choose to be.

And no, I don’t look like Quasimodo – I’m actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I’m not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning – I don’t have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife’s box. Nope, I get it – I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I’m not looking for sex – okay, I pretend I’m not looking for sex. I don’t have a drinking or drug problem, I’m not abusive, and I’m not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, I’m a good father, I’m reliable, responsible, and a really great guy – apparently humble too.. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, – I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn’t give her the right to neglect her husband.

Maybe I’ve just spent too long placing her needs ahead of my own that its become a paradigm that will be impossible to reverse. But you know what, I deserve better. I’m not asking for much just a little sex, and maybe taking the initiative to start something once in a while…or put 1% of the energy you spend on wanting other things (newer better house, new clothes, new body) to wanting your husband. And for the love of God, show some fucking creativity once in a while – I would be willing, make that eager, to try anything once. She won’t admit to it, but she’s got to have some kind of twisted fantasy buried deep inside – whatever it is, I’ll do it! “Honey, I hate to admit it but I’d love to paint your toenails and then beat you with a raw pork chop.” “Okay, do you want to use an extra lean cut or something with a lot of bone?”

I would throw this out there as a warning to my fellow man/woman – if sex is truly important to you, make sure you’re sexual soul mates. Don’t believe those discussions where your spouse says, “it’s not going to be different after we have kids,” because you know what – IT IS – and it’s really, really going to suck. After a couple of years you’ll feel like your soul is eroding – you’ll feel hurt, rejected, and very angry. After a while you’ll find yourself online, anonymously bitching to thousands of strangers. In the long run I know it will be worth it, being a father is an amazing experience, maybe the gain is worth the pain – but it’s a significant amount of pain. And, I’m just not a selfish enough prick to give up being able to see my kids on a daily basis just so I can get some action. Nope, I’m pretty much screwed.

Yes, communication is the key to any good relationship – unfortunately we’ve already communicated this to death. There’s just not much you can do when the answer to “what can I/We/anybody do to help you” is “I don’t know.” Talk to somebody, take a pill, push a button, just try something, anything. My sanity is slowly….slipping….away.

I’d rather be a loser than celibate

Yesterday my wife made a decision to start and argument with me.  I say made a decision as there was no reason for it.  For some reason she either wanted an argument or wanted to see what my response would be.  I have asked her 16 year old son, who lives with us, to please shovel off the walkway when necessary, when he comes home from school.  Rather than do this (a maximum 2 minute job) he walks through the snow and tracks it into the house.  When I get home I have to shovel, walk inside and step in the puddle that his boots left and be quiet as he is sleeping.

Last night I took exception to the fact that once more the same pattern had been followed.  Her son has only two things to do around the house, take out the recycling and shovel the walkway.  Quite honestly it pisses me off when he can’t seem to find two minutes out of his time to do something he has been asked to and then expects us to jump when he wants a ride somewhere.

At 7 o-clock he went out.  At 10:30 he called to say that he was downtown (about 3km away) and he wanted to be picked up.  I said no.  He walked there in the first place AND made no attempt to find out if he could get his way back at that time.  In my opinion he ASSUMED that her or I would run down and pick him up.  This happens ALL of the time.

He shows up 15 minutes later (he took a cab) and his mom asks why.  He tells her that he called and I wouldn’t pick him up.  Oh boy!  Here we go.  She does everything in her power to get me going.  I simply explained my rationale and shut my mouth.  I blocked out all of the “Why are you so mean, he could have caught a cold, why do you make him shovel the driveway, poor baby he’s tired” .  In other words I blocked out all of the bullshit.  This is the point where I tend to think that women are not logical in their thought process.  I am not sure if I am mad at her for not “seeing” what is really going on here…that being that her son is taking advantage of the situation (s) OR I am mad at him because I am well aware of his process of trickery and I can’t stand that he is so blatant about it.

To the point…I now have to make my own decision.  She “decided” to start a fight…I have to “decide” how to rebuke her position. Do I fight , keep my mouth shut and even go so far as to make concessions or back track if necessary?  In this particular case keeping my mouth shut did the trick.  Even though I wanted to lash out at her for even arguing this situation I knew it was better to keep quiet.

Why?

Sex.  That is what it comes down to.  I have no problem in having an argument and having sex right afterwards.  She might have been off base but all is forgiven, forgotten even once we are doing it.  Hell, I wouldn’t even mind doing WHILE fighting…seems kind of kinky to me.  All joking aside I know that if I retaliate in any given argument I am going to lose out on the opportunity for sex that night.  I might anyways depending on her “apre-fight” mood, but if I push for my side of the story…it goes from a slim possibility to none. If I push my luck and keep bringing something up on a daily basis until I get MY point across…I might as well subscribe to the porn channels for a while, because I will be the only one pleasuring me.

It bothers me that women wield this power over me, yet they do.  The only trick up my sleeve is to never let them know I care and then they “think” that we are on an equal footing.